Who are narcissists underneath when they aren’t mirroring a victim?

[Rainbow03]

I was just wondering about narcissism and how they mirror their victims so that they are attractive to them.

How does this not affect them being somebody else. Who are they when they are not mirroring someone? Doesn’t this make them feel very uncomfortable being someone else. Like when the person leaves them to they continue being the person they were mirroring?

That's true. I guess I overthink some things as I used to be agorophobic/social phobic - so it always takes me a lot just to get to something like an interview.

Actually, no, I don't think I'm a narcissist at all 😂 all very confusing.

@MarmaladeOrangey yeah im much more professional at work because it calls fit it. I don’t change so people will like me or I get something or I enjoy hurting people.

possibly @GoodnightAdeline's comment was about my post?

I did hedge it around with lots of 'suspects' etc =)

And more experience than I'd like.

This is 100% not narcissistic traits 🫣 could fall under a number of things but diagnosing people you don't like who you feel are 'copying' you is equally mentally distorted

Maybe you've just got great style/relationships/run a good home but don't get on with any or everybody & like to be "indipendant" ?

@Jk8 yeah lol

But it’s all anyone talks about now. I must hear ‘narcissist’ at least twice a day. I’m pleased you escaped an obvious bad apple but it seems half the country have narcissism now.

@DancesWithDucks I think you are bang on accurate!

@GoodnightAdeline Thats your opinion but don’t discount another’s experience because you have an opinion. Some people have had relationships with people who are diagnosed narcissists, who’ve been abused and physically and mentally harmed by them and years later still recovering…you clearly haven’t and that’s fine for you.

Rainbow03 was asking specifically about narcissists/narcissism. There wasn't a diagnosis, it was a question about people who do have this disorder.

and what does this mean....Maybe you've just got great style/relationships/run a good home but don't get on with any or everybody & like to be "indipendant" ? specifically the 'indipendant' bit? Are you trying to be funny/rude? Weird.

How do you know I haven’t?

So this means that because 'it's all anyone talks about now' those that are dealing with genuine narcs and all that it encompasses can't talk about it because there is someone ready to come here and roll their eyes at us because they hear it too often. Well I am fed up with my diagnosed narcissist husband rolling his eyes at me all the time, I'm not about to deal with it from strangers. Just be glad you don't have to actually deal with one in real life and move on from the post. No need to be another person who minimalizes our thoughts.

I don’t get why people can’t scroll on if they have nothing to add. It’s not even an answer to the question. @GoodnightAdeline I doubt it because if you have you’d be much more sympathetic at the pain we have (if you’re read the posts). He threw shoes at me because I talked back and it hit a two year old and he couldn’t care less, that was in one post. Who does that, that’s just one of the nicer hearing examples.

So basically your ex was an abusive self harming drug addiction not a narcissist ?

Addict*

I think narcissism is pretty common actually. It tends to be seen in families. It’s not often diagnosed as ‘narcissist personality disorder’ because a lot of the time, while the issues cause chaos in their relationships, they are often able to function, work..and they don’t think anything is wrong with them so they don’t seek diagnosis! It’s a very strict criteria too.
I know one person diagnosed with NPD. He is grandiose. He only went in for assessment because police insisted. His social media says ‘I’m the greatest person you’ve never met.’ I kid you not!

I believe XH is narcissistic. He was lovely to start with. The abusive behaviour started fairly early on but I didn’t see it for what it was for years. He moved on within a couple of weeks of us splitting, after 15 years together! Basically I wouldn’t give him the stimulation he needed (I withdrew and grey rocked him) so he moved on. He was a mess when we first separated.
He is genuinely like a different person now. I married a Christian, sober, non-smoking, gym going guy. She is with an atheist, smoking, heavy drinker…he even goes by a different nickname. He always refused to get Chinese food because he hated it but apparently they have it at their house now 🤷🏻‍♀️ He has changed because they mood themselves into whoever they think you want them to be.

I'm waiting for trauma therapy now I’ve had some time to process the split. It stays with you.

@Jk8 he cut himself to take the attention away from the fact he beat his girlfriend at that time and wanted attention himself. He has zero empathy. He gets rid of fellow employees who he thinks think they are better than him. You cant have an opinion. He hit and was violent because you make him do it so you are the problem. He told me constantly that he deserved more love from me and that he would only give love if I earned it. He controlled all the money, coerced me into sex and then made fun of me. Anything I achieved was because of him and never my own achievement. Anything we had was because of him even if I bought it because I was nothing without him. He couldn’t care less about anything he had done, everyone was responsible for the way he felt. I’d say he was narcissistic.

I have wondered this about a relative.

They can laugh but it’s not a joyful laugh - there is a sneer or contempt woven in - somehow!

They have no real passions of interests. Eg. music, art etc. (however, perhaps other types of narcissists eg cerebral may have certain interests or areas of expertise. I met what I believe to be a mid-range artist once who I was convinced was a narcissist and used his art (I believe) believe to get fuel and supply and status.

Back to my elderly relative - watches TV A LOT, occasional holidays, arranged by others, and superficial friendships and acquaintances. Very pragmatic view of life. A somatic narcissist, so interested in clothes and appearance and is well groomed, but nothing else, apart from maybe an interest in money. Now they are elderly, I really notice this more, because they don’t relate much to anything outside outside their day-to-day pragmatic self-interested existence.

So, I would say not much of an actual real personality. It’s really hard to explain.

I had a narcissistic friend who did seem to have some interests in life. Though I think they were pretty shallow and undeveloped. But when I went on holiday with her, apart from her petty jealousies etc, I noticed for the first time that there was a definite emptiness at her core. It felt like a really empty, depressing state. This is many many years before I’d even heard of the word narcissist.

So, I think there is either no personality below the facade, or a very weak and fragmented one

Still sounds like more then a narcissist though & probably better off in jail then a mental health ward

@Jk8 I think that’s what you could say about a lot of narcissistic people, they just don’t care and there is no limit to how far they’d go for attention. They are very disturbed people. He used to stand in the way of his mum getting beaten by his father as a child, but he has turned out pretty similar.

@DaAnt Ive read that they stop at the age trauma happened to them. So they basically just childlike with no identity or growth just a desperate need for approval and validation. They will just use any means available to get this and their pot has a hole in the bottom so nothing is enough.

They are nothing. Literally nothing- it's like a huge grey void behind the mask. Like an aching chasm of nothingness and emptiness.

Thats why a lot of narc kill themselves if they end up in prison

In my experience they never truly let the imitations go. They remain made up of little bits and pieces of other people.

Jacqueline's obsession with photography, Elaine's mannerisms and diction, regurgitating the things Sarah said about Broadway theatre as if they are their own words at parties.

Sometimes they drop bits and pieces. Swap them out.

Of course tbf, we all change to some degree based on the people around us. Learn new things, develop new passions, pick up new phrases.

But with narcissists...its more like they try to assimilate YOU. And they get more and more contemptuous over time - because they can't. But when you're gone, the mirror they were peering into is shattered. Just like all the mirrors of all the other people who left them. But they're still hanging around, putting the pieces together from memory, unable to let go of what...of whom, they tried to steal.

You are right that it’s relatively rare, but it’s between 0.5- 5 per cent of population.

at the lowest level that is 340,000 in the UK.

5% is 3.4 million people.

compare that with another minority group- 3% of population of UK is gay…and I know loads. Also, I can’t think of anyone in the UK who doesn’t know someone who is gay.

What professionals have diagnosed all the narcissists on here? And in what context?

@Rainbow03 trauma? I don’t know. Not convinced on that one. But I definitely don't believe narcissists should be compared to “children”. An insult to them! I have had lots of contact with young children at all stages of development baby to toddler and beyond and I wouldn’t say their behaviour was anything like a narcissist per se. Even a 2 or 3 year olds tantrum is not filled with the bile and breathtaking spite and hatred of a narcissist’s rage.

Theories abound, but no one really knows. Regardless of course - best to keep away from them as much as one can.