Should I confront partner over messages to co worker?

[Harriet1237]

Bit of background last year there was a work event where my partner ended up sharing a bed with a female co worker, both un clothed drunk with another couple in the room who shared the second bed, (male and female both also had partners who were not at the event). He didn’t tell me, I found out from messages on his phone. It was explained away as he lost his key it was an after party type thing the girl was sick and he was drunk nothing happened etc. This is very out of character as my partner never really drinks nor has done anything in the past to break trust. They work in different divisions of a law firm so don’t see each other often. I let it go. He said he’ll not speak to her again I snooped and found they still message very rarely but it’s always regarding work related things. Unsure if this is something to address?

the event has around 300 people there and each are given a room to share they all had there own room but were sharing with people they didn’t know which is why they all went back to the same room. Unsure if I’m over reacting or under reacting.

Forget about it. They're clearly not having a torrid affair and he probably feels awkward as hell about it.

And stop snooping on his phone. It only ever ends badly.

I don't understand why he shared a bed with a naked female co worker. If there was another couple in the room why didn't the guys share one bed and the women share the other one?

What sort of shit law firm makes people share rooms?

None of my colleagues would accept that. They would not attend the event if that was the only option. It’s not a school trip!

I'd put money on it that he slept with her or did some form of sex act with her. No way would I share a bed with a man fully clothed.

Shared a bed with a naked female collegue. And there was another couple on the other bed…

Is he for real?

I can't think of any workplace, law firm or otherwise, that would expect its workers to share rooms with people they didn't know??!!
Very very odd behaviour to share a bed with someone regardless of how drunk you are.

However - if all you've found is work related texts and they are sporadic then perhaps this is one very rare case when indeed there is smoke with no fire??

I would be wary too - were your spidy senses picking up on anything else - and thats why you sneaked a look on his phone?? Are there any other hints something maybe going on?

At our conferences, we have to share rooms. I hate it and don’t go (other reasons) but it can be normal in some companies. We can choose who we share with and if not specified, get put with someone randomly. Surprised if they are put with someone if the opposite sex.
To answer your op, stop torturing yourself over it. It sounds like nothing happened and he was v foolish.

I can think of lots. Mine for one. Really, this is a thing.

OP doesn’t say he was allocated a room to share with this woman. She says that they were sharing rooms but it sounds like he was sharing with a bloke and 2 women were sharing.

But everyone got rat arsed and ended up 4 of them passed out in the same room.

OP would he be ok if you and another man ended up naked in a bed together because you were drunk? And would he believe nothing happened? It’s incredibly implausible.

I can’t begin to describe how inappropriate it is to require an employee to sleep in the same room as a colleague. Massive invasion of privacy.

Fine in the armed forces maybe, but not in a corporate environment.

If it was innocent I don't understand why they'd be unclothed. Are we talking completely naked or in underwear? How do you know from the messages that they were unclothed?

A law firm would never arrange shared rooms, for sure. So many red flags here I don't know where to start.

Exactly this. Partner was allocated a room with a male colleague he didn’t know. The two females in the room were allocated two separate rooms each with another female colleague they didn’t know well and the other male in the room is a little higher up so got his own room which is why they all stayed in that room. And someone mentioned it but yes my thought process was if I was with my work friend drinking in a room with two male colleagues I’d 100% share a bed with me female friend colleague. And the men would share. But I’d never be in that situation in the first place.

When I originally confronted he said they were fully clothed but when I challenged the fact he was in a suit and she was in like a formal dress I said surely you wouldn’t sleep in that? To which he said ok yeah it was underwear to which I said girls don’t typically wear bras under a formal dress to which he said yeah ok she didn’t have one on.

the other male in the room is a little higher up so got his own room

Oh dear Christ is truly shocking. This law firm discriminate according to pay grade/rank when deciding which employee is entitled to privacy and which is not?

OP, your husband probably just did something stupid and I am sure that he isn’t having an affair. However he needs to find a better employer as this lot at best have stupid partners and HR team or at worst are solid gold piss takers.

To be clear, in most firms the event would be costed on the basis of private rooms for all. If this was not within budget the event would not happen or would be a day event only.

Both couples shagged. Two women, drunk or not, did not decide to get into bed naked/almost naked with strange men. At most the women would have shared a bed and they would have had some clothes on. And you had to drag it out of him that she had her tits out

So he lied/drip-fed you information regarding being dressed or undressed. I would find it hard to believe he is telling you the truth. Whether or not there is ongoing contact between him and this woman, I would find it very hard to believe he shared a bed with a naked or near naked woman and nothing at all happened.

Sounds like not an ongoing thing but that night itself sounds extremely dodgy.

Bit of background last year there was a work event where my partner ended up sharing a bed with a female co worker, both un clothed drunk

If that isn't a deal breaker, I don't know what is. Why your standards of behaviour are so low for a partner is beyond me.

All of this! 100%

The fact he wasn't upfront about the clothing situation is a big red flag. Also surely they would have had overnight bags with spare clothes/pjs which they could have collected from their own rooms so wouldn't need to be topless. I think they at least kissed, it's just too weird to be completely innocent!

I wonder if the other partners of those involved in this know of this incident and how they feel about it
I'd be furious
But the contact since can't really be helped if it's purely work related and they still have to work together
I think if this had been the other way round he would have ended it with you

Of course they had a bit of a wild night. They got naked had sex. Sounds like nothing since then.

The question is what is your boundary?

For me, that would be a relationship killer and I’d get rid. For others it might not be, it’s up to you, as an individual what you put up with.

He came home the next day and seemed pretty nervous and jumpy which is what made me suspicious then when I asked about the night it just seemed very off the things he was saying didn’t really make sense one minute he was with his friend all night then the next he said but his friend was really drunk and barely saw him all night so was a bit suss.