Should I confront partner over messages to co worker?

[Harriet1237]

Bit of background last year there was a work event where my partner ended up sharing a bed with a female co worker, both un clothed drunk with another couple in the room who shared the second bed, (male and female both also had partners who were not at the event). He didn’t tell me, I found out from messages on his phone. It was explained away as he lost his key it was an after party type thing the girl was sick and he was drunk nothing happened etc. This is very out of character as my partner never really drinks nor has done anything in the past to break trust. They work in different divisions of a law firm so don’t see each other often. I let it go. He said he’ll not speak to her again I snooped and found they still message very rarely but it’s always regarding work related things. Unsure if this is something to address?

the event has around 300 people there and each are given a room to share they all had there own room but were sharing with people they didn’t know which is why they all went back to the same room. Unsure if I’m over reacting or under reacting.

They do, I told them lol all seem to think it’s innocent as they trust their partners if anything I seemed crazy for making a big deal

I would be assuming, at minimum, my DP had sex with at least one of the women in the room. I'm not sure anything would convince me otherwise.

I can say with almost complete certainty that I would not be sleeping naked in front of random work colleagues if I hadn't had sex with one of them. In fact, if I woke up naked, in bed with a man who I hadn't had sex with, after I was extremely drunk, I'd be questioning what the fuck he was playing at.

There isn't really a good spin on this one. You know that too which is why you still check his phone.

It's more than a bit suss OP. Unless you're in an open relationship this sounds very like he cheated and had sex with the woman, hence the guilty reaction. Did it not occur to you to ask him why he hadn't shared a bed with the guy instead of a topless female?
No one can say whether it was a drunken one off or not, but l'd be doing some serious digging.

Why do you want this boyfriend? Sounds like he thinks you're of low intellect to believe the lies he told you before eventually admitting hanging out with a naked woman.
Have you been STD tested?

There are over 4 billion other blokes in existence, respect yourself and raise your standards.

I wouldn't believe a word that man told you to be honest.

😃 Exactly

Yeah so apparently the way the room was set out it just so happened they were in those places on the bed talking and then just slept I dunno it didn’t really make sense to me either. I’m 50/50 as I know the guy in the other bed is a real nerd and not the shagging/cheating type and nor is my partner really and knowing them I don’t think either of them would be comfortable enough to shag in front of another couple of colleagues. Plus messages between friends and other colleagues which I’ve seen would suggest this is one messy mishap that looks way worse than it was. But when you think in bed naked with a female and nothing happened I don’t think sounds believable.

😂 Sorry I had to laugh at the last bit.

Well yeah, whether they did anything or not, I wouldn't be happy with my partner in a bed with a woman with hardly anything on.
Nor would I as a woman get in bed with a colleague without something on, or get in the bed full stop.

Of course. It is easier and cleaner to believe them nothing happened everything’s fine and move on. No upsetting the apple cart.

It happens all the time on work trips away. What goes on in work trips stays on work trips, but this is all a bit school-like as another poster said. Assume everyone is relatively young / junior in their roles. It’s learning curve.

@Harriet1237 l still think this was entirely inappropriate, even if the others dismissed it as harmless. What do you think your partners reaction would be if you'd slept naked with a male colleague?

If I slept in a bed naked with another man my dh would be furious and I would also be furious with him in the same situation. If it was me then I’d share the bed with the other female.
I don’t believe the excuses, sorry it seems more likely that something happened and they’ve all been careful by not texting about it .
I know you say your partner and this other male colleague aren’t like that but it seems like a lot of drink was involved and people can change when drunk!

If he lost his key, he could have gone to reception

^This.

Both the couples shagged each other that night.

He really has pulled the wool over your eyes.

Oh c'mon op.

He 100% shagged her.

And even if he didn't, sleeping naked with a colleague is wildly inappropriate and a dealbreaker for most.

Up your bar and stop being a mug.

Ah yes, the old “we were forced to share a bed naked” chestnut!

"so they were in those places on the bed talking and just fell asleep"

You KNOW that doesn't add up, right?

So he expects you to believe that two men and two women who barely knew each other, decided to share a room, and on arrival this woman stripped off, breasts out, in front of two male colleagues, and a female one, then your partner did the same, and they decided to all lay on the beds in mixed pairings, virtually naked, to "talk" and "just fell asleep."

Do you know ANY woman who would strip to knickers with her breasts out, in front of three colleagues, then get into bed virtually naked with a male "just colleague" to "talk" and sleep? Let alone if there was another woman to share with AND another bed for them.

Noone does that. The situation you've been described doesn't happen. What does happen is two colleagues had a drunk shag at a work do, and he felt guilty. He's spun a bullshit story which is unravelling as you poke at it.

He clearly thinks you're stupid enough to believe him.

Are you?

So she was uncomfortable sharing a room with a female she didn't know. But, was not uncomfortable sleeping naked in a bed with a male colleague she knows is not single, that she does not know that well (if he is being truthful that he doesn't see her at work often), and with two others in another bed in the same room?

Plus, if she felt uncomfortable sharing with someone she didn't know she surely wasn't planning to sleep naked and brought something to wear in bed. Why did she not go get that and put it on?

He lied about her being naked twice - first by saying she was clothed, then by saying she had a bra on. And he has lied by saying he would not speak to her again. He has.

At worse more has happened, at best, he is a liar and has extremely bad morals and judgement.

I'm sorry this has happened and that you are being made to feel it is not a big deal, as it is.

Please think carefully about staying with this man. You cannot rely on cheating being out of character. You only have to look at the amount of women blindsided by cheating on this site.

Sure he hasnt deleted more recent texts to support his claim?

@Harriet1237, I think you are underreacting and your P is treating you like a fool.

He has clearly had an agenda to block transparency about this woman and that night. He lied by omission regarding the room/bed sharing until you rumbled him, and has actively lied about the lack of clothing and about being with his friend. The lost key story is also suspect. Covering up his boundary trampling has been his priority.

…it just so happened that they were in those places on the bed talking and then just slept…

Really? That sounds like they just leaned back in their clothes and went to sleep…. but that’s not true. When and where did they strip off their clothes? Were they already disrobed while sitting around talking, with her topless??

He is bamboozling you, @Harriet1237. He willingly paired off and undressed with this OW, and they slept together. He said yes to all of that when he had other options, and then he began the subterfuge.

There is much more to this and I would be getting to the bottom of it. I believe there was some physical involvement that night, hence his jumpiness, lies, and drip feeds. Also, he agreed that he wouldn’t speak to OW going forward, but he has. Even if it was only about work, he broke NC and didn’t inform you — another secret. There’s certainly a good chance that he is editing the messages and interacting with her in person at work.

In my marriage, lying and faithless behavior are dealbreakers. Are they yours, @Harriet1237?

Call the woman and speak to her. Ask her why she was naked in bed with your husband and see what she says.

The messages were deleted I found them in the recently deleted section which is weird to me there’s nothing other than work related stuff so why delete? No other convos from anyone else are deleted

This allover..you have the right to ask

Dont underestimate a man who is possibly fibbing. They can be very cunning.

Does it matter if they had sex? I can't imagine any scenario where my dh would get into bed with a naked woman apart from me. Just wouldn't happen. If it did id regard that as cheating. He has his own bed in his own room to sleep in. There's no reason in the world why he had to climb into bed with another woman.

He also lied to you. It was not innocent, he knows it wasnt, and he's hoping you're going to fall for his bullshit.

Whether he shagged her or not, his boundaries are so far skewed that he got into bed with a naked woman.