Boyfriend of 2 years has just admitted to sleeping with a prostitute a few months before we met

[MaryMitchell777]

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years, and truly believed he is the love of my life. He has just admitted to sleeping with a prostitute in the UK 3 or so months before we met. This was the only time he has and he says he wouldn’t do it ever again and obviously hasn’t cheated or anything whilst we’ve been together. He says he was extremely drunk, not that it’s an excuse, and disappeared off after the night out and slept with a prostitute, then returned to the hotel room he was staying with his friends . I have always felt so safe and secure with his loyalty in our relationship that I feel completely blind sided by not knowing this this whole time. I feel like I don’t know him when he’s been my best friend and I’ve planned and envisioned my whole life with him. Because of other people the topic had come up multiple times in our relationship and he had lied that he never had so there’s also this element of distrust. I understand him lying, as I see this as a huge deal breaker so to an extent can get why he would hide this embarrassing thing. It being not long before we met makes it extra hard cause I’ll never know if he’d repeat the mistake. But I don’t know if I should be getting over this and seeing it as a mistake in his past. If only he’d never done it…

Red flag I think, end the relationship.

As a woman I wouldn't not care if my partner hired a prostitute before meeting me but I would care about him lying about. I would not be able to trust him again.

I had a friend who was an escort. Since hearing her experiences and feelings I do think some women choose this job and as I said I would not mind my partner to hire them before meeting me.

I have to say I would breakup with that partner if he hires an escort when being with me, to me that's cheating.

I don't have a partner but this is my opinion about this subject. Your feelings are valid, do what your gut tells you to do.

Run for the hills op. Mistake or not for a young man in his 20s to use a sex worker shows you clearly the sort of person he is. Any rough patches in your relationship and he'll be there online booking a sesh.

Ultimately you might get different views on here but that doesn't matter.

It matters how you feel about it. My gut feeling would be you won't look at him in the same way now. You will have that un easy feeling and like all the good has been taken away.

My suspicion would be if you tried to carry on then it won't be the same. It's all just broken. Sorry op x

And how did this come to light now?

He knew by telling you this information you might split up with him. So the obvious conclusion is that he wants to split up.

I think taking the nature of what he did out of it, it shows your boundaries are permeable if it's a deal-breaker that you asked not once but multiple times about and now you let it slide.

I also think it would poison the well for me. He would be someone who has done something I very strongly disagree with for fun.

I think you said you're in your 20s. Find someone else.

It was before you met.
It is none of your business what his sexual history was before you met, just in the same way that he has no business to enquire about your sexual past.

Don’t ruin a good relationship if things are good in all other aspects.

Visiting prostitutes is not just 'sexual history' it's far more than that.

Classic mumsnet responses - Hell bound with no forgiveness. Look, he admitted it, he’s not proud of it and it was before you knew him.
People make mistakes when drunk unfortunately. Up to you whether you judge him on his past rather than on the time you’ve known him.

Exactly!

It isn't 'sexual history' like exes etc rather it give a clear idea of the kind of man he is. A sleazeball without any boundaries or respect for women. Once he's used a prostitute he'll do it again. And again.

Exactly. Such a typical MN black and white response. Life is so much more
complex than this. Are people really saying that if it were their partner and that he was otherwise a loving , supportive partner and father that they would end the relationship over this? (Cue those who will now accuse others as having low standards..)

25 is my view a young stage of life and when with a group of other young men I can see how it can happen. People mature significantly from that age.

So those oh so virtuous women who see it in such a binary way, try introducing some nuance into your judgement.

Good point

For me a lot would depend on how he now views it- is he defending using prostitutes as just another form of services? Or does he recognise now that it was an inherently exploitative act and feel remorse?

I have a friend who is an escort. She makes an absolute killing, loves it and does it completely by choice. I understand that is not always the case but people like this do exist.

She is constantly busy, many of the men are married and she says it's usually family men that you would never usually suspect to be the type. She meets them mostly in hotels, often during the working day partners/wives are absolutely none the wiser. My point is many many more men use escort services than we think. They cover their tracks remarkably well. Most wives/partners live in blissful ignorance and will never find out as it is so discreet.

He has admitted it to you and has acknowledged that he made a drunken mistake. I'm not condoning it and only you can decide if you can live with this. But I would put money on PP's on this post having partners who have secretly been up to it. There is every chance that the next guy you meet being a secret user of escorts. Perhaps you could both discuss this with a relationship therapist and seeing whether it is something you can live with and move on from.

Not the first time. Won't be the last.

Where did he even find one? Hed have either have had to go to that specific dodgy part of town. Or looked for a number online.

Yeah I agree with this. I think it’s disgusting and he should’ve came out with sooner but he did eventually disclose it at least and had agreed it’s not something he’d do again. As long as he agrees that it’s gross and exploitative.

I got totally put off a guy who disclosed he regularly did drugs in his past. Not so much because he used to do it in the past, but because he still didn’t see what was wrong with them.

To me, that meant he could go back to using them again anytime or if we had kids he’d condone drug use. It showed our principles were fundamentally different.

That would be the end for me. He used another human being as a receptacle. That is how he sees women.

In vino veritas !

Get over it. It was before your time. If you have no concerns about his fidelity and trust in your relationship, this is your issue not his. Don’t let it ruin your relationship x

What about eating meat? You definitely don’t have to do that, and every time you do you’re condoning the appalling animal cruelty that takes place in the farming industry and especially in abattoirs (particularly if it’s cheap meat). I say this as a meat eater myself, but I know what goes on, and I know it isn’t right.

Nobody has to buy clothes from cheap exploitative companies when you can get cheap clothes second hand from charity stores.

Nobody has to take a flight to go on holiday, and every time you do you’re contributing to the exploitation of the planet.

It’s easy for humans to compartmentalise. It’s how we survive. It’s gross that this guy slept with a prostitute but it doesn’t necessarily make him a terrible person.

Obviously if OP is too disgusted by it then that’s fine and totally legit, and she of course can end the relationship for anything she deems a deal breaker. Just think everyone’s being a little overly judgemental on this guy’s character when we all do shit things all the time.

You again. Sooooo invested in women having low standards.

If a man thinks consent can be bought and traded and it's OK for him to stick his dick in someone he KNOWS wouldn't consent without money, he's a rapist. And I wouldn't trust him again. No nuance necessary.

As it happens I'm vegan and I do buy most of my clothes second hand, but wouldn't judge people who didn't as harshly as a man paying for sex, no. With regards to meat, I make a distinction between the exploitation of animals and that of human beings, with the latter being more immoral imo than the former. I make a difference between purchasing cheap clothes that may have involved exploitation but that many people are ignorant of exactly the extent and form, and exploiting a woman, standing in front of you that you know doesn't want to have sex with you but needs the money. It takes a particular kind of character to look another human being in the eye and degrade them for your gratification and yes, to me, it is a sign the person is appalling.

Just think that’s such a black and white way of looking at things, but what we judge others on and how harshly is a matter of opinion I guess.

I wouldn’t judge somebody overly harshly for sleeping with a prostitute any more than I would for unnecessarily killing and eating an animal.

I’d just someone harshly if they were violent towards a prostitute or if they enjoyed killing or hurting an animal.

I see this as a huge deal breaker

And

I don’t know if I should be getting over this and seeing it as a mistake in his past.

So, not a deal breaker then?

Its not black and white thinking to believe all bad deeds aren't equal and that some people doing some ethically questionable things doesnt mean we should excuse worse ones. Taken to its logical conclusion that would mean that if I don't bother to sort my recycling I shouldn't criticise pedophiles, because if I've exploited the planet I've no business judging other people for exploiting children.