Boyfriend of 2 years has just admitted to sleeping with a prostitute a few months before we met

[MaryMitchell777]

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years, and truly believed he is the love of my life. He has just admitted to sleeping with a prostitute in the UK 3 or so months before we met. This was the only time he has and he says he wouldn’t do it ever again and obviously hasn’t cheated or anything whilst we’ve been together. He says he was extremely drunk, not that it’s an excuse, and disappeared off after the night out and slept with a prostitute, then returned to the hotel room he was staying with his friends . I have always felt so safe and secure with his loyalty in our relationship that I feel completely blind sided by not knowing this this whole time. I feel like I don’t know him when he’s been my best friend and I’ve planned and envisioned my whole life with him. Because of other people the topic had come up multiple times in our relationship and he had lied that he never had so there’s also this element of distrust. I understand him lying, as I see this as a huge deal breaker so to an extent can get why he would hide this embarrassing thing. It being not long before we met makes it extra hard cause I’ll never know if he’d repeat the mistake. But I don’t know if I should be getting over this and seeing it as a mistake in his past. If only he’d never done it…

It would be a dealbreaker for me. I couldn't be with someone who could use another person's body as a commodity. I understand why someone might lie about it, but the lying would be another element I also couldn't get over. Both combined and I'd be ending it. Sorry OP, you must feel floored by this.

Did you get tested for STD before you slept together?
How did this revelation come up during a conversation?

I think this is the most important bit: "the topic had come up multiple times in our relationship and he had lied that he never had so there’s also this element of distrust. I understand him lying, as I see this as a huge deal breaker".

Someone seeing a sex worker is a dealbreaker for you. He knew this and concealed the truth.

Personally I would struggle with trusting him because he could have come clean early one and faced the consequences. Yes, you may have decided to not date him, but that would have been your choice.

He was aware of your views/boundaries and he took away your ability to make an honest decision about dating him. Now he is hoping that due to the time and emotion yoou have invested, you will overlook his dishonesty.

I would feel like the person isn’t who I thought they were. It would make me sick to even look at them, let alone continue a relationship. To me, it’s a very deep moral failing as it says so much about how he thinks of women.

Sounds to me like he made a huge mistake. Have you any other reason to distrust him?

Total dealbreaker.
This shows how little he thinks of women.

I get being upset that he's lied but I don't really think he's obligated to disclose things that have happened in his past.

It's funny how some people will claim sex work is work and will support women choosing to have Onlyfans or whatever but if a man uses these services he's a scumbag and sees a person's body as a commodity. Does this also apply to people who pay for dancers and singers for events who are technically using their body for entertainment purposes?

No

Are you honestly comparing a singer to a prostitue?

Move on. He made a mistake before your relationship began.

I would be disgusted but I wouldn’t throw anyway my otherwise great relationship.

Remember to everyone on here you’re just a hypothetical, this is actually your life. He lied but mistakes he made while drunk before you met aren’t really any of your business if that’s honestly not who he is anymore.

Ugh. How old are you both?

@Illpickthatup

I get being upset that he's lied but I don't really think he's obligated to disclose things that have happened in his past

that's contradictory.

25 and 27

Eugh, @Mummame222 there is no justification for a man to coerce consent out of a prostituted woman. Absolutely reprehensible and says everything you need to know about he views women.

I don't believe consent can be purchased, so it would be a deal breaker for me. He believes women can be bought and sold. Nothing is going to give me a bigger ick than that red flag

who said there was? FFS.

You're encouraging OP to keep dating this disgusting man. 'FFS'

I don't think he's obligated to disclose info openly but if OP has asked him previously and he's said he hasn't used a prostitute then he's lied. I think he should have been honest when she asked in the first place but then I don't really think it was the OPs business to ask about his sexual history.

On the one hand, his past is his past. He wasn't with you, so it isn't relevant - what goes on between consenting adults is their business. There are lots of reasons why I would find this revolting, and the biggest is consent - how could he possibly know if she was clean from drugs, legal age, not trafficked, not exploited.

So, your man either sees women as commodities to buy for sex, with no care for the welfare of the individual or the misery, abuse and exploitation he is supporting; or your man gets so drunk he is liable to act completely against his own value system with no knowledge as to why he is doing so and no power to stop himself.
Either way, it's not ideal is it?

A couple of things spring to mind, if he lied before, why say now? Could he be trying to put you off him for other reasons? Does he think someone else he knows might spill the beans anyway?
I don't entirely buy the alledged circumstances around it either. A man who is out with the lads for a night drinking, who supposedly has never used a prostitute before, splits off from his mates to go it alone with a prostitute, then returns to the hotel? I could understand it more if he invited a prostitute to his hotel room, but separating off on your own sounds less plausible.
I'd suspect this was not a one off, and if he has a job where he works away sometimes, I'd be even more sceptical.

I'd come back to the point that OP said "seeing a sex worker is a dealbreaker for me".

Granted it happened before he met OP and he's not a magician so couldn't change the past, but he knew that it would disqualify him from dating OP so concealed the information. Now he has told her, he has admitted to not being honest with her for 2 years.

You are young OP and have plenty of time to meet new people and date. If you feel like this is a betrayal, you can end the relationship. You don't need a "good reason" other than "does this person meet my needs? Do I feel loved and respected? Is it mutual?".

Everyone makes mistakes.

He was a single, young man and did something he is obviously not proud of.
By reading this thread it seems that everyone here is a saint and has never done anything daft in their youth, real life does not work like that.

And of course it was something he wanted to keep a secret.

I would judge him on who he is now and whether you are happy in your relationship. I would be practical though as well and you should both be tested for STIs.

It is likely that there are many women married/dating men who have visited strip clubs or paid for sex in the past and their partner will never know.

It does not make it right but it is naive to think it does not happen and that does not mean that the men who did that are unable to build decent relationships.

Curious as to what prompted him to tell the truth.

Would you want to be judged for the rest of your life by the worst mistake you’d ever made? No? Neither would I.