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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this abusive-being told to sleep elsewhere

73 replies

WeAreTheTreaclePeople · 12/03/2024 21:51

Been with DP 6 years, one DD together. I moved into his home when pregnant with DD (now 3). After I moved in, I realised that DP has issues with alcohol. He works full time in a responsible job but will drink heavily between shifts. Although never aggressive, he can be nasty at times and will start arguments at any slight, real or perceived. He's drinking this evening (downstairs) and I'm upstairs in bed. He sent me a message to say he will sleep downstairs to let me have the bed and he'll sleep on the sofa to allow me to have a goods night sleep (as he often snores/flails when drinking). A few minutes later, I get this message "stop putting dirty airfryer trays into the dishwasher without scraping them. I took two out earlier and just realised they were still dirty so had to put them back in. I'm fucked off now. I'm thinking you can sleep on the sofa tonight, not joking". For context, neither of us normally need to scrape the trays as our dishwasher cleans well. All I had cooked today was burgers, so nothing particularly messy. This past few washes, things have still been coming out dirty though. In hindsight, I should have been more careful knowing that the dishwasher is a bit temperamental but equally I'm upset at being "punished" by being told to sleep on the sofa. He knows I have difficulty sleeping downstairs, whereas he doesn't and will quite happily sleep there. I don't know if I'm overreacting by feeling upset but telling me to sleep downstairs because I forgot to scrape a tray seems borderline unhinged. Some perspective would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Switcher · 12/03/2024 21:53

I think you already know the answer. He needs to stop drinking.

MumChp · 12/03/2024 21:53

Never rush late at night being mad but I would consider my future. Drinking is a big no go for me.

Redglitter · 12/03/2024 21:54

I take it you're staying in your bed

StopStartStop · 12/03/2024 21:57

You need to leave. Why hang on another few years putting up with his moods. Go now.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 12/03/2024 22:01

Why should he be the one who gets to decide whether you sleep in the bed or the sofa? He's not your dad, teacher or boss, so who made him judge and jury?

CrappyBarbara · 12/03/2024 22:01

Yes that is absolutely abusive. Sometimes when you’re in it you doubt yourself but this is very clear. Here’s my first LTB.

WeAreTheTreaclePeople · 12/03/2024 22:07

Thank you for the replies. It's his house so it makes me feel like I've less of a say in matters. I do realise how pathetic that sounds. At the minute he seems to have calmed down and there's been no more mention of it but he has sent me downstairs/into my sons room (when he's not there) before. To add, I've a teenage DS who lives with us Mon-Fri too. We don't have a spare room or anywhere else I can sleep.

OP posts:
Secondstart1001 · 12/03/2024 22:20

You shouldn’t have to feel you have no where to sleep! He is being abusive tbh and you shouldn’t be made to feel like this. It may be his home but you live together. Drinking is also a big issue here. I’m very sorry to hear this Op.

oranges29 · 12/03/2024 22:30

This is not a normal or reasonable reaction at all. Its not okay for him to order you about. Or discipline you, as if you were his child. If you don't sleep on the sofa are you in fear of what he might do?

unbelievablescenes · 12/03/2024 22:34

This happened to me a lot in the last year of my marriage, culminating in me having to sleep slumped over my dining table on Xmas eve as the sofas were covered in presents. I swore no man would ever put me out my own bed again, left him that Xmas day, and 2 years on now have my own home and my own bed and the only person that stops me sleeping in it is my dd who likes to sneak in and thrash around all night 😂 Best decision I ever made, I'll sleep easy from now on. Please leave.

newtlover · 12/03/2024 22:35

yes, always an important indicator how a man reacts if you say 'no' to him

azafata2 · 12/03/2024 22:40

Find your self esteem. I don't think so. Sorry but we are a long time dead. Do everything above the grave in your life.

ErrolTheDragon · 12/03/2024 22:43

You call him 'DP' but he doesn't sound like he treats you as an equal, which is necessary for a good partnership.

WeAreTheTreaclePeople · 12/03/2024 22:44

So sorry you went through that @unbelievablescenes. Well done on leaving, you sound very brave. Tbh, I've never said no if he's told me to leave. There would be no risk of him becoming physically abusive, but it would make him very angry. I do often placate him for a quiet life. Last week he said something thst annoyed me. I made a face and he told me if I didn't drop the attitude, "I'd be sleeping in the car". I asked him was he serious and he said he was. Later on he reiterated that he was completely serious that if I hadn't "dropped the attitude" he would have made me sleep in the car. Then he added "in fact, once I finish my dinner (he was eating around 2200), I'm going to go upstairs to bed, and you're going to sleep in your car". I went upstairs shaking and basically waited for him to come upstairs to see what he'd do. He calmed down and eventually apologised but not before telling me "you've no common sense, it was a joke.". It absolutely wasn't. This is why I'm especially upset about this evening as he knows how much this type of threat upsets me.

OP posts:
azafata2 · 12/03/2024 22:47

Did you leave? I hope you did!

azafata2 · 12/03/2024 22:48

Please read my first message. 😎Enough!

Hollyhocksandlarkspur · 12/03/2024 22:50

He sounds more like your jailer than the father of your child and your loving partner. Please leave for your own and child’s safety. He is definitely an abuser. No-one should ever be speaking to someone else in that horrendous demeaning controlling way. Please escape. Stay safe.

Tel12 · 12/03/2024 22:50

This doesn't sound good. You are not equal partners in this relationship. I'd be rethinking my options.

Shoemadlady · 12/03/2024 22:57

For the sake of your son if nothing else please leave! You're subjecting your child to his abuse and behaviour which isn't acceptable. I'm sorry you're going through this but you need to move out for both your sons and your own sake. This sounds miserable

willowtree66 · 12/03/2024 22:59

Fucking hell, what a bastard. Tell him to go fuck himself, switch off your phone, and stay in your bed. Then LTB.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 12/03/2024 23:07

Yes, this is abuse and it could easily slip into physical abuse.
You're walking on eggshells to appease him in case you say the wrong thing and be told to get out( I've been there)
You and your DC need to leave, they will be absorbing this environment and think it's normal
You have no security

Secondstart1001 · 12/03/2024 23:16

This is horrific Op and no way to live. He feels he has power over you and I can hear the fear in your narrative here and I think he’s just going to get worse! I am worried for you .. he is shredding your mental wellbeing by chipping away at you and terrorising you in your shared home, the place that should be the safest place in the world 💔 You know this is wrong I just think you don’t know what to do next… could you move out with your children or is it financially difficult and more leverage he has over you?

Elsewhere123 · 12/03/2024 23:20

Find an al Anon group for support.

LifeExperience · 12/03/2024 23:20

Yes, you are being abused. He is addicted to alcohol, which means that it is the most important thing in his life--not you, not your child, not his work, not a secure home, nothing is as important to him as drinking.

If he won't get help today then leave.

citrinetrilogy · 12/03/2024 23:36

Is it abusive? Very much so, yes.