Is this abusive-being told to sleep elsewhere

[WeAreTheTreaclePeople]

Been with DP 6 years, one DD together. I moved into his home when pregnant with DD (now 3). After I moved in, I realised that DP has issues with alcohol. He works full time in a responsible job but will drink heavily between shifts. Although never aggressive, he can be nasty at times and will start arguments at any slight, real or perceived. He's drinking this evening (downstairs) and I'm upstairs in bed. He sent me a message to say he will sleep downstairs to let me have the bed and he'll sleep on the sofa to allow me to have a goods night sleep (as he often snores/flails when drinking). A few minutes later, I get this message "stop putting dirty airfryer trays into the dishwasher without scraping them. I took two out earlier and just realised they were still dirty so had to put them back in. I'm fucked off now. I'm thinking you can sleep on the sofa tonight, not joking". For context, neither of us normally need to scrape the trays as our dishwasher cleans well. All I had cooked today was burgers, so nothing particularly messy. This past few washes, things have still been coming out dirty though. In hindsight, I should have been more careful knowing that the dishwasher is a bit temperamental but equally I'm upset at being "punished" by being told to sleep on the sofa. He knows I have difficulty sleeping downstairs, whereas he doesn't and will quite happily sleep there. I don't know if I'm overreacting by feeling upset but telling me to sleep downstairs because I forgot to scrape a tray seems borderline unhinged. Some perspective would be appreciated.

You and your children are worth more than this.

What happens when he starts ordering your son or daughter to sleep outside/in the car/etc? You sound frightened of him and your children shouldn’t have to see the way he is treating you, because it is abusive, disgusting and wrong.

Read this, OP:

“After I moved in, I realised that DP has issues with alcohol

drink heavily between shifts.

he can be nasty at times and will start arguments at any slight, real or perceived.

He's drinking this evening (downstairs)

I'm upset at being "punished" by being told to sleep on the sofa. He knows I have difficulty sleeping downstairs,

I don't know if I'm overreacting by feeling upset but telling me to sleep downstairs because I forgot to scrape a tray seems borderline unhinged.

It's his house so it makes me feel like I've less of a say in matters.

he has sent me downstairs/into my sons room (when he's not there) before.

I've never said no if he's told me to leave. There would be no risk of him becoming physically abusive, but it would make him very angry. I do often placate him for a quiet life.

he told me if I didn't drop the attitude, "I'd be sleeping in the car".

“I'm going to go upstairs to bed, and you're going to sleep in your car".

I went upstairs shaking and basically waited for him to come upstairs to see what he'd do.

"you've no common sense, it was a joke.". It absolutely wasn't. This is why I'm especially upset about this evening as he knows how much this type of threat upsets me.”

These aren't our words.

They're yours.

You've put yourself, your little girl and your teenage son in an incredibly precarious position.

You're inflicting an abusive alcoholic on your children and yourself.

His language towards you suggests he thinks he is something between your bullying father, owner and boss.

You tell us he threatens you, knowing how much it upsets you.

You are walking on eggshells - you tell us you were shaking, waiting to find what he'd do when you disobeyed him.

You daughter is learning this is what happens to women.

Your son is learning this is how to treat women.

Alcohol destroys lives, families and minds.

And placing children in danger from an abusive alcoholic can lead to women having them taken away.

Do you have a job? Savings? Pension?
Any form of security that is not entirely under his control?

Does your son's father know the situation his son is in?

Do you have parents, siblings, friends you might turn to?

You have a hard decision to make to protect your children and yourself. This cannot go on. It's hard, but you have to be the adult, not the scared child. There is help and advice out there:

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/i-want-to-leave-my-relationship-safely/ 

You need to put yourself first and sleep in a different house. Permanently.

Bloody hell you don't even have the right to sleep in your own bed, who fucking uses a bed to punish someone?!
You need to get out of there, this is ridiculous.

He’s being ridiculous. The text about the tray is daft and sulky, I would just ignore.

The drinking is a concern and the fact he has a pattern of starting arguments. Plus the fact you clearly feel uneasy and doubtful about the relationship.

I can never understand how someone could invite their partner to live with them then treat them anything less than equal. If you live together you live together, not one person letting the other use their space when it's convenient.

He's terrorising you. You need to get out as soon as possible.

Please listen to others. Get out. If not for you for your dcs.

I can’t believe the way he orders you around! Who does he think he is? God? Or your jailer? Or your owner?

Please don’t let your DC grow up with him as a role model, OP. Be a real role model by leaving him.

His true colours are starting to show. He is testing how far he can go, as there seems to be little resistance from you so he will go further and further until the big one. Start planning your escape.
Please don't delude yourself thinking you can appeal to his better nature or you can behave in a certain way and that will keep him happy. No, the core of this man is nasty. Don't wait to find out how nasty he can get.

'He made me'

'He sent me'

Think about this language OP, it's very much abusive.

Oh my god, that's terrible. I'm genuinely shocked. The bit about telling you to sleep in the car is horrendous. He definitely wasn't joking! What on earth about that could possibly be funny?

Yes, he is absolutely abusive.

Did you give up accommodation to move in with him? It was a risk that hasn't paid off. Well risky to move into someone else's place, means they have too much power. Best bet is to find somewhere new and move out, people go downhill with drinking.

@WeAreTheTreaclePeople

OP You really need to focus on leaving this angry, manipulative, alcoholic man who is abusing you and, through you, your children. It's his house and you're not married so he can put you out whenever it suits him. What are your options - do you have family who could put you up for a while whilst you look for something long term? Do you have a job which would help to pay for somewhere else to live? Perhaps consider contacting Women's Aid for advice and help and also check to see what benefits you might be entitled to (www.entitledto.co.uk). 🌹

Is your son happy living with this man. Does your DP only drink when the DC are in bed.

LTB.
He is a manipulative abusive drunk.

He owns the house.

OP you need to leave and find a nicer home for you and your dc

I think you've become so acclimatised that you don't realise how shocking this is OP.

It's abusive. No ifs, no buts, it's abusive.

Well, he sounds like a dick but you choose to live with him and to continue doing so.

I can also see why you're sleeping separately, but given that it's his house and his bed, which presumably he paid for, i can see why it might grate on him a little that he's the one who ends up on the sofa.

I suspect that this is why sleeping arrangements feature so heavily in how he expresses his annoyances.

Is it abusive? Yes. But then, "alcoholic is abusive" is hardly front page news is it?

You need to leave.

🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆

us your an witnessing this behaviour??are you married?

This is chilling. It maybe his house but it is also your home. He should not order you about and get should not decide whether you deserve to sleep in your bed or not.

I wonder what he would do if you said no and refused to be bullied. Although given that he is a heavy drinker, a bully and a gaslighter ("I was only joking" ?!?) it is probably best you don't test him.

You must leave him. It sounds hell on earth, walking on eggshells and ordered out of your bed for not doing housework to his liking, seriously??? Do you work? Do you have anywhere else for you and the kids to go? How long would it take you to save up?

Of course it’s abusive to have that level of control over where you sleep. What other areas is he controlling in?