Is this abusive-being told to sleep elsewhere

[WeAreTheTreaclePeople]

Been with DP 6 years, one DD together. I moved into his home when pregnant with DD (now 3). After I moved in, I realised that DP has issues with alcohol. He works full time in a responsible job but will drink heavily between shifts. Although never aggressive, he can be nasty at times and will start arguments at any slight, real or perceived. He's drinking this evening (downstairs) and I'm upstairs in bed. He sent me a message to say he will sleep downstairs to let me have the bed and he'll sleep on the sofa to allow me to have a goods night sleep (as he often snores/flails when drinking). A few minutes later, I get this message "stop putting dirty airfryer trays into the dishwasher without scraping them. I took two out earlier and just realised they were still dirty so had to put them back in. I'm fucked off now. I'm thinking you can sleep on the sofa tonight, not joking". For context, neither of us normally need to scrape the trays as our dishwasher cleans well. All I had cooked today was burgers, so nothing particularly messy. This past few washes, things have still been coming out dirty though. In hindsight, I should have been more careful knowing that the dishwasher is a bit temperamental but equally I'm upset at being "punished" by being told to sleep on the sofa. He knows I have difficulty sleeping downstairs, whereas he doesn't and will quite happily sleep there. I don't know if I'm overreacting by feeling upset but telling me to sleep downstairs because I forgot to scrape a tray seems borderline unhinged. Some perspective would be appreciated.

You don't 'deserve' to sleep in your bed. It will never be your bed. Get out now and don't waste another minute on this fragile needy man. Imagine this for the next 20+ years.

Why do you think none of these things are aggressive? They are aggressive and abusive.

He’s an abusive alcoholic.
Don’t subject your kids to this. You need to get out.

Get your children away from the alcoholic.

Yes, this is abuse and it could easily slip into physical abuse.

And I suspect the only reason it hasn’t is because the OP shrinks away and has never challenged him.

Who the fuck does this man think he is? How dare he dictate where you sleep.

Please, please gather all the strength you have and make plans to leave. Your life will never be your own with this man.

Thank you for all the replies and for confirming what I suspected. I think when you're in a situation like this is can be hard to view things objectively. I had wondered if this was my "fault" for not cleaning the trays properly. I'd likely be annoyed at something like that too tbh but it would never cross my mind to threaten to put someone out of bed. To answer some questions, yes I work (nurse) but only part time since having DD. I have very little savings and no family to go to. I gave up rented accommodation to move in with him. I looked into a link a poster gave me for benefits. Not trying to minimise the situation, but the DC were unaware of last night as it was over messages. When he does be nasty it wouldn't generally be in earshot of them as they are normally in bed. He often will calm down after making such threats but pp have hit the nail on the head about me not pushing him. I've never really dared challenge him if I'm being honest. The rare occasions I've done so, he would bang the table with his fists and tell me to "stop pushing him" etc. At that point I'm normally ordered upstairs. Writing this all out really has given me some clarity into how bad it all is. Obviously it's not bad all the time, about 95% of the time things are OK, but I do feel very scared during the other periods.

I hope you plan to leave this man OP, your child shouldn’t have to grow up in a house with an abuser and you deserve better.

I don't understand what happens if he "sends" you to sleep elsewhere. What would happen if you refused? Would he physically force you?

He’s an abusive alcoholic. Get out of there for your sake and your kids too.

Please don't fall into the trap of "I know it's bad but when it's good it's really good" because that's a lie. It's always bad. You're always looking over your shoulder waiting for the next incident, always walking on eggshells, always trying to placate him and always trying to live the easy life by doing as you're told and following his will because you're scared of the consequences and what he might do.

That's no way to live your life.

Leave. He's an abusive asshole.

I've never really dared challenge him if I'm being honest. The rare occasions I've done so, he would bang the table with his fists and tell me to "stop pushing him" etc.

So he is physically threatening you? You need to get out.

I don’t understand op, what’s happened in your life that you accept this, do as you’re told or go up shaking waiting for his decision?

He's only good when he's getting everything he wants isn't he. This is not a relationship you are an unpaid employee. Please look seriously at the benefits you are entitled to and at the child maintenance .

https://www.entitledto.co.uk/benefits-calculator/intro/home?cid=7f20571e-9308-40b6-9bd6-fdf0bea6ebb1

https://www.gov.uk/child-maintenance-service

It would also be worth talking to Women's aid and using their resources. It's amazing how many women do t recognise abuse and think like you have that they've done something wrong. You haven't it's just that this man isn't capable of having a healthy relationship.

Good luck OP

It's not ok most of the time because you're living in fear all of the time.

I agree with PP about speaking to Women's Aid. You need a plan to get away from him.

In the meantime, please, please don't let him convince you that you've done anything to deserve this.

Life is too short to put up with this. He will not change and things will get worse, you need to leave and be able to sleep where you want without fear.

This is no way to live your life. Walking on eggshells, not daring to express yourself, being bullied, him banging his fists on the table ... you really do need to find a way out of this. Can you really see yourself living like this for the next 25 years?

What you’re describing is all abuse. Please take a moment to look over this and think about how else he might be abusing you in more subtle ways.

he would bang the table with his fists and tell me to "stop pushing him" etc. At that point I'm normally ordered upstairs.

OP, please read your own words. This is way beyond bad behaviour. It’s beyond anything normal, let alone acceptable. It is seriously abusive. This is the kind of behaviour that escalates to violence. Your DC should not be living with this either.

This doesn’t give him the right to order her around like a slave.

You're a nurse, OP.

Have you ever encountered a patient, woman or child, with mysterious bruises, burns, breaks etc, accompanied by or meekly going home with a man who brushes it all aside with ‘oh she fell down stairs … she burnt herself on the stove … on a cigarette … She's been mucking about at school … she fell off her bike …’

And did that man ever smell of alcohol?

You or your colleagues have seen this all before, haven't you. Ask them, too.

Thing is, sooner or later this will be you.

Or your little girl.

You’re not pushing him, it wasn’t the trays, it’s nothing you’re controlling- he chooses not to manage his own emotions, he chooses his own behaviour, and he chooses to punish you because he wants to.

I’m sorry you’ve experienced this male person’s deliberate failings, but there is absolutely no legal or moral requirement for anyone to stay in any relationship.

I agree. However the OP moved into his house and the situation seems unlikely to change. She needs to leave.