If your partner has ever hit you, were there any warning signs in their previous behaviour when angry?

[Salepale]

If you have, or have had, a male partner who has hit you, what were they like when they got angry on previous occasions?

I ask because I guess it's likely that they lost their temper in arguments before, but held back at that point.

There must be men around who get very angry and lose their tempers, but never get physical.

I'm asking because I wonder if it's possible to see any warning signs before it happens.

Or for those who've experienced it, when it happens is it out of the blue and you're shocked and can't believe it?

I would say worrying about whether your partner is going to hit you and starting a thread about it is a reasonably clear warning sign.

It doesn't matter whether he hits you or not, if you're feeling intimidated by him then you need to get out of the relationship.

The first time for me was out of the blue, he was like a man possessed. Afterwards sometimes arguments before but he would mostly just go. Why do you ask? Do you feel threatened by your partner?

I finished with a boyfriend because he would always get paralytic-drunk when we went to the pub. In this state he was belligerent and mean. He would grab my arm to keep me there whilst talking bollocks to me. We only went out for three months, but no matter how lovely he was sober, he was a mean drunk. He never hit me, but I felt very uneasy. I later discovered that his wife had divorced him two years prior due to physical abuse. If you feel at risk, you probably are.

Thank you. I ask because my husband sometimes gets very angry.

For example, they other day, I brought up something he'd done that had upset me and I criticised his behaviour (without getting personal). He got really angry. He went red, and he raised his fist in the air a bit. His lips and his fist were shaking.

He has never hit me, and I can't believe he actually would. But having read some stories on here, I started to wonder. Or I could just be being paranoid, because lots of people get angry, but they don't actually get physical.

I'm sorry @hopeforlucky3 that you experienced violence.

@Brightonhome it sounds like a lucky escape.

Hi. My ex was abusive but went kind of 0-100. Was mostly totally normal, maybe a bit grumpy when he was drunk but then one night was very drunk and pulled a kn!fe out on me. Luckily managed to get out and nothing happened but never ever spoke to him or saw him again as luckily I was young and lived with my parents still so had somewhere else to go. If your partner is showing signs of anger now I’d probably not feel comfortable - my dad wasn’t what I’d call abusive to us or my mum but he did a lot of punching walls and shaking with anger/going red, punching his hands together, etc etc and I would never want this in my own partner

He’s using the threat of violence to intimidate you although he would certainly deny that’s what he’s doing. It’s not a very big step from there to actually hitting you.

@FlibbertyGibbertyFlibberty but I don't know - when he's angry, it seems out of control. You can't make your whole body go red....

He also shouts really loudly when angry.

My ex husband went from shouting at me to chasing me to nearly hitting me with the iron to finally strangling me, picking me up and throwing me against the wall, and breaking three ribs above my left breast so badly that I had to wear a brace for six weeks.

It escalated. By the time he broke my ribs I knew I was on borrowed time. Staying after the iron incident was lunacy. It happened over 13 years but the inability to control his anger was always there. I just got less easy to intimate as I got older so he had to step up the intensity.

Leave, if you feel you can. I left my husband and have invented a whole new life for myself totally unlike the one I lived when married. You can start again. You can be whoever you like. Ignore the feelings of guilt.

If he gets that angry when you express your feelings, how can you communicate effectively together, as a couple? It must feel difficult for you to tell him when you're upset, if he reacts like that.

Of course, if you're overly critical he might naturally feel defensive, but your description suggests he's gone beyond any acceptable level of defensiveness, into aggressiveness.

You're worrying about it escalating into physical violence, so you're already affected by it. It must be awful for you. Would he be persuaded to get therapy, or is he too defensive to see he has a problem?

I bet he manages to control his anger when he's at work or with friends.

For me it happened gradually, a playful push here and there, a bit rough when messing about, squeezing my hand or arm when angry, a bit of a whack to the arm during an argument. Then it escalated to throwing me against doors, pinning me down by my neck and punching me etc. it all happened so gradually it would be hard to point out when it crossed the line.

This is all years ago btw, no longer with him and now happily married. I have never felt in any way threatened by my husband in the near 20 years we have been together.

Started with lots of verbal criticism and petty arguments / finding fault with me following what I now know is love bombing so I was reeling. Couldn't understand why he'd changed towards me so drastically.

Initially I stood my ground but that made the arguments escalate until one day, whilst heavily pregnant, he pushed me. He wasn't even that sorry! I'd driven him to it! I knew that wasn't acceptable but because I was pregnant and had nowhere to go (useless parents, no siblings or extended family, friends either living at home or at uni) and little money, I was stuck.

Things only got worse. Then after a few years the violence stopped but only because I played the game of toeing the line. Inside I would be seething. But he would abuse me verbally and be utterly terrifying. Throw things. Break things.

Took me 22 years to leave!

There weren't any warning signs with my ex. We'd argued plenty of times, but I'd never even felt scared. One night we'd been to a party. He got very drunk, and when we got home, we had a disagreement over something minor. It was like a switch just flipped, and I didn't recognise him at all. He battered and strangled me. I thought I was going to die, and I think he would've killed me if I hadn't managed to run out of the house. It's so frightening that we'd been in a relationship for four 4 years when it happened, and I'd known him for about 20 years in total. Not one single sign.

Previous partner.

Couldn't control his anger and would go from 0-100 over insignificant things. Extremely Emotionally immature and spoilt.

He slapped me the day we returned from honeymoon after criticising me throughout. I’d stupidly accepted the criticism but my instinct when he slapped me was to punch him. I broke his tooth, fractured his jaw, and he never hit me again.

Did you stay with him?

You do know raising his fist, shouting loudly at you, being out of control... that's all abusive too.

I would not stay around to see if the behaviour escalates to actual physical violence. The description of his anger is enough to know I would never feel safe or comfortable in that environment.

My ex slapped me hard in the face when I was 9 months pregnant. The signs were there. Mentally jealous of my previous partner. He now works in law (not police).

Any man who is unable to control his temper in minor arguments and disagreements has the potential to becoming violent. Shouting, swearing, and intimidating language are all types of abuse and a line has been crossed, it will escalate.
The other red flag is has he ever had a violent argument with another man - if so he is likely to be dangerous.
My DH is far from perfect he can be grumpy, and (rarely) a bit moody sometimes. But if an argument between us gets heated he will walk away and spend sometime in a different room away from me if he feels himself getting too cross/losing his temper. As I would do too. An inability to have developed safe methods to avoid escalating behaviour in an argument is unhealthy and unsafe.

This isn’t actually true. You always have a moment where you choose to give in to anger or not. In some instances if the provocation is extreme you might feel overwhelmed by anger, but even then that is generally because you are used to giving way to anger.

Like in all actions things, humans are creatures of habit- the more we allow ourselves to get angry, the easier we find it, and the angrier we can get. If you don’t want to get angry, practice controlling your anger. The more you do it, the easier it gets, and it works both ways.

I had been with ex 2 years. He never drank to excess. Then on honeymoon he did and I was punched hard in the face repeatedly. It was a complete surprise. My parents had paid so much for the wedding I didn’t dare come home and say there had been problems. So I stayed with him. The abuse just got worse and worse.

I wouldn't be with an angry man full stop.

My dad was physically abusive. I refuse to be with any man who raises his voice.

The first time he raised his fist in anger, I'd absolutely be gone. I refuse to allow anyone to treat me like that.

That's horrific.

It's so sad that so many women feel the pressure to stay with someone for whatever reason than be confident they'd have the support of family if they left 💔

Yes, all the red flags were fluttering in the breeze! Unfortunately it was before I'd ever heard of a red flag in the 90's! So I just thought I could fix him. It was terrifying by the end.