If your partner has ever hit you, were there any warning signs in their previous behaviour when angry?

[Salepale]

If you have, or have had, a male partner who has hit you, what were they like when they got angry on previous occasions?

I ask because I guess it's likely that they lost their temper in arguments before, but held back at that point.

There must be men around who get very angry and lose their tempers, but never get physical.

I'm asking because I wonder if it's possible to see any warning signs before it happens.

Or for those who've experienced it, when it happens is it out of the blue and you're shocked and can't believe it?

All I would say is TRUST YOUR GUT. Seriously… TRUST YOUR GUT.

I got out after 24 years. The signs were there from the moment we came back from our honeymoon. I gave up arguing with him and came out of the marriage a shell of the person I used to be.

Inanimate objects were being thrown and punched at. The level of suppressed violence was huge. If my DS wasn’t in the home during lockdown, then I’m convinced ExH have started on me physically. I had to leave secretly.

It was also spilling out at work. His PA rang one day to tell me there’d been an incident in the office.

What concerns me is that I get anecdotal reports from third parties that his anger is till not under control and I bet his present GF (who he’s busy ingratiating himself with) has absolutely no idea. I wrestle with that conundrum regularly, but haven’t acted on it.

@ArabellaScott, this is a very thought provoking post, thank you...

My partner exhibits all of these behaviours and can get very angry, shouting and swearing at me, even when her anger is directed at another person, particularly when she has had a couple of alcoholic drinks, despite claiming to be a 'happy drunk'. It actually seems to exacerbate her behaviour, which is no surprise! I am male, incidentally, and do not drink alcohol, having been brought up in a household with an alcoholic mother.

I have to admit that sometimes I do not feel safe when she is like this, and am fearful that, one day, the coercive behaviour, belittling, undermining and general putting down and ridicule of everything I do and say will escalate to physical attacks. I am ashamed to say that I feel as though I am walking on eggshells much of the time and cannot just 'be myself' in an environment where I should feel absolutely safe and with a person who I should be able to trust above all others - sad!

These are your warning signs. If you can't communicate effectively and constructively without this happening, you are already being warned. Explosive anger and loss of control can get you killed or seriously injured. Listen to the warnings and take action.

When I say action, I mean leave.

Coercion and control can be harder to recognise. Physical violence is more clear cut. Most dv will have started as coercion and control abuse to begin with.

I'm afraid abuse tends to worsen, not improve, over time.

Would it help you if I say- that’s not a healthy relationship? You should work on separating, however you need to do that. It sounds as though you have time to plan and organise. Are there children involved?

Yes @ArabellaScott, thank you - I am autistic and sometimes don't recognise what is obvious to others, but even I am aware of an element of coercive control and what I believe is known as the 'dog whistle effect' in that I am cowed by her behaviours, which others would not see or be privy too. But, just recently, it has become blindingly patent that this is behaviour I am subject to, and it is diminishing my belief in myself and my self esteem. But, I have boundaries and standards which I will not transgress or lower, so crunch time is coming!

Male or female it's no OK for anyone to be screaming and swearing at you or raising their fist.

Everything else asside, relationships are supposed to be joyous and comforting. To add to your life...not to make it shit.

https://mensadviceline.org.uk/male-victims/

Support for men here.

Thank you so much @ArabellaScott