If your partner has ever hit you, were there any warning signs in their previous behaviour when angry?

[Salepale]

If you have, or have had, a male partner who has hit you, what were they like when they got angry on previous occasions?

I ask because I guess it's likely that they lost their temper in arguments before, but held back at that point.

There must be men around who get very angry and lose their tempers, but never get physical.

I'm asking because I wonder if it's possible to see any warning signs before it happens.

Or for those who've experienced it, when it happens is it out of the blue and you're shocked and can't believe it?

Yes. But only because he was a totally changed man after that and so was I. I decided I wasn’t ever going to tolerate bullshit from him again and it forced him to change.

Yes, but it was subtle. If I said something he didn’t like you’d see a slight flash in his eyes, a dark moment and I’d feel unsettled. Honestly nothing so extreme that I couldn’t put down to me being wrong (as I’d been told all my life I should defer to men and that I should feel grateful that a man loved me at all)

And then he’d pinch me. Or give me a shove. Which became a full push to the floor. I never got hit I suppose, more thrown around. But I wish I’d looked harder at those first few moments and realised instinct was correct.

No warning at all, he wasn't even a particularly angry or aggressive man either. Just one day he turned on me, very unexpected and I didn't have any warning signs he would ever be violent towards me.

Whether it's intentional or not, don't stay with someone who abuses you (and his behaviour sounds abusive) or who frightens you.

He was excessively jealous and always accusing me of things. None of this was warranted. He was very, very controlling and tried to cut me off from my family and friends. To be fair my family made no effort with me at the time but he used that against me and tried to persuade me not to see them any more. He put "key logger" on my computer and phoned and text me excessively. Is caused to much stress to me that when he physically assaulted me it was a relief. I had been saying his behaviour was abusive but no one would listen to me. The physical abuse was the least upsetting thing. I was described as having injuries similar to being in a car crash. Literally nothing compared to the stress of having someone question what I was doing 24/7.

It is really frightening that he did this, especially given there was no sign at all before that he was capable of it. I hope you're ok now @gano

Do you have children?

Is he like that with them?

Ask him to go to anger management.
He needs to be aware of his fellings, how to calm himself and express himself in away that doesn't make you fearful.

In my case, if you'd asked me at the point where he tried to strangle me (first incident), after 5 years together, I'd have said no.

However, I look back now and there were lots of indications. I just didn't see them or chose to explain them away at the time.

Once you've woken up to this, it's depressing how commonly you see it. To the point where other people accuse you of overreacting to silly things - and yet I'm very rarely wrong in the long run. 🙁

Fuck that. My ex was in weekly anger management therapy when he broke my ribs. It had been a stipulation of us staying together.

If your partner needs therapy to learn how to not abuse you, then he can work on himself while he's single, can't he. Fuck him.

It's not out of control. He can control it. You need to get out.

If you even think there's a chance of a man hitting you, get out, and find a partner whom you wouldn't worry might hit you! Seriously.

My ex-husband had many signs. He would shake his head and shoulders, scratch his head, and purse his lips. I knew to shut my mouth or risk getting hit or something broken. I was with him for 16 years, since the age of 17. I still haven’t healed. My oldest son is 17 and I asked him a question about his shirt this morning, he got upset and shook his shoulders like my ex used to do. It triggered me and I’m scared he has the same anger as his father.

Loads of small stuff that was leading up to bigger things. I left when he pushed me up against a wall and pinned me to it. But before that it had been continuous unrest, there was always some complaint about something I did, or he would pick on me in front of family which only he found funny. He would scream and shout, wake the kids up, gaslight me etc.... Oh and every other week he was threatening to finish with me which of course he never did, he always came back blamed me like I was lucky to have him back. I left him and spent a long time bringing up my kids by myself trying to recover from what we had all been through.
I'm in a newish relationship now of a few months and it's so different to the first few months of my relationship with my ex. Things are so calm, he's not a shouter, he's someone who talks through things and I feel listened too. He doesn't walk out on me or make threats, no nasty text messages etc.... its been a bit of a revelation.

Yes before we married , one week to go , he grabbed me by the neck. But everything had been paid for and I went through with it

All of what you describe is physically intimidating behaviour.
It falls very squarely into the category of "physical".

He didn't lay a hand on you, but you have to ask yourself what was the effect on you of the demonstration of rage?

Did you feel you could continue the discussion?

Do you feel you can bring up a matter you feel needs to be brought up again, if it's likely to annoy him?

Or will you end up keeping silent?

What he's doing is called coercive control. It is a crime.

Often an abusive relationship includes so much gaslighting, coercion, destabilising, undermining and disorientation that by the time they get violent the abused partner is not even in a clear enough state to understand what's going on.

There are usually patterns, which are often quite obvious in hindsight.

Some of them may not be what you expect.

Lovebombing is one - intensely 'romantic' gestures, sudden reckless proposals, moving very fast, 'love you more than anyone else ever has or could or will', wanting to know where you are all the time, offering lifts and to meet up all the time, frequent break ups, are ones that we probably don't recognise as much as the more obvious - being jealous, having a sob story, being moody, getting angry, relentless criticism, digs, ridicule, etc.

It can take years before those 'red flags' become actual violence. It generally starts small and escalates further and further.

All I'd say is that we shouldn't ever be afraid of a partner.

Throwing things in arguments, but not in a scary way. In a stroppy teenager way.

Insults and threats over text. Again, they didn't feel scary, it just felt stupid (we weren't living together). For example, I went home after a date, and he was flirting with a colleague on our date. I called him out on it, and he became abusive over text (I want to crush your head etc) but was immediately apologetic. I just turned off my phone and went to sleep, thinking he was drunk.

Small pushes when angry. Again, was not scary. He walked off when I was sat down at a restaurant outside (after an argument) and he pushed my head from behind as he walked off.

It just escalated from there. Those were the early signs. The later stuff was shouting in my face and making me cry in public. Hard pushes. Spitting in my face. Pinning me down. Throwing glasses. Strangling. The physical hits, kicks etc were much less frequent and much later on. Most of it was pushing and strangling. I was "hurt" when the pushing went wrong.

Wish I never text him back after that first time where he was abusive over text.

For a long time I felt trapped (after I moved in). Just because it isn't a "hit" or punch, it doesn't mean it's not abuse. and you don't have to let it get to that point before leaving. It can be a gradual erosion of boundaries. For me it was at least. I always wanted to believe the best in him and give him the benefit of the doubt. I was young, inexperienced, with low self worth and value, and desperate for love and friendship.

that sounds awful, @ChipsDipsAndBlips. Are you away from him now?

Sorry for the delayed reply. I've been offline.

I did eventually. It was the best decision I ever made. Although very hard and heartbreaking at the time. My life now is completely different to that dark place.

I wouldn't be with anyone who I'd describe as angry.

I'm not saying no one is ever allowed to be mad, but as a man he should know his rage is threatening to women and do all he can never to lose his rag infront of her. Certainly never at her.

And raising his hand. That's a clear threat.

Game over. Get the fuck out of there. Like, yesterday.

My ex there was a build up. He always had a temper/slammed around/drove erratically. But it started with grabbing my arm and squeezing it while berating me. Then 'accidentally' shoving me. The more I accepted the worse it got.

I wouldn't be with an angry person now. Especially if I was considering having children

An exP.
Started with an " accidental" push.
Then " accidental" poking me in the arm/ face - used to shout You Moved ! - Its your fault.
Then a hard push into a wall.
Ended it the night he pinned me to the bed and punched me repeatedly- 2 back eyes, a broken nose and a fractured rib.
This was 35 years ago and the police were fucking useless.

My ex husband used to get very angry, never hit me but I would at times become very scared of his reaction. He punched holes in walls, put his fists through windows and he did a couple of times threaten me.

He is with someone else now and I wonder if he is like that with her or was it me that made him so angry.

Yes, I was hit after seeing his temper and not being hit.
What I first got hit for was actually very minor - a teaspoon of spilt coffee granules.

Definitely had fist shaking, in the face shouting, all the rest too.