2.5 years post affair(s). Does the anger ever stop??

[Twiglet13]

I am 2.5 years post affair discovery. I feel stupid even typing this out because I know it’s going to seem mad and I will look like a total idiot. DH cheated on me before we got married (ONS). Then continued to have multiple affairs throughout our 10 year marriage. Some lasting several years. I found out about all of them in one go - only the latest… but when I confronted him, he confessed to everything.

He did this whilst I was pregnant with our 2 young DC. Whilst my mother was dying of cancer. When I found out I was in so much shock I couldn’t function for about six months and tbh I was dealing with the death of my mum and couldn’t cope with my family falling apart too.

Part of me thinks he must love me if he’s staying. He swears he won’t leave. We’ve had counselling. But we’re 2.5 years in and I just wonder if this is it. I feel like I’m lying to myself sometimes, he’s still lying to me, and it’s all an act. I found pictures of the latest OW saved on his phone a few months ago, since deleted (or moved). It may have been an oversight but part of me doesn’t even want to know. I don’t think I can deal with it.

Does the anger ever stop? I had thought by this amount of time down the road it would be better. But sometimes I feel even more angry than when it first happened. Other times I feel ok. But it never seems to actually go.

For those who tried to reconcile did you eventually throw in the towel? If I’d known it would still feel like this after so long I’m not sure I would have tried to stay. I don’t know if it will get better. Am I kidding myself to think this is even fixable after what he’s done? I feel utterly stupid.

For me, the anger has disappeared now that we have separated. I simply don’t care anymore. I was angry and consumed by his infidelity for years until we split.

I once heard someone refer to anger as other unexpressed emotions finding their way out. I think this is what is happening with you OP. You're anger is telling you it is time to let your marriage die.

He’s an obsessive, compulsive liar and serial cheat.

I’m sorry OP, but some men are. They will always have more than one ( sometimes many) women on the go at once.

He will never, ever change.

You clearly are not ok with this.

He probably does value you in his life. Men like this do. They love the function women play in their lives. They love the support and love and stability of their primary partner. They don’t want to lose that. And they want the other women too. They want the connection and emotional bonding and support from those women too. Your H has long term partners, it’s not just sex for him. He likes bonding with multiple women.

So no, your anger will never go. He will never stop cheating and you will never trust him and you will never be ok with his relationships with other women.

You’ll live a miserable life of anger and insecurity with this man.

I was angry in the beginning after I left him. Now I can’t be bothered. I did vent out my anger at him and told him everything I wanted to tell for years. Anger is healthy and is part of the healing process, but honestly…leave the scum…

Well it occurred to me the other day that this is the longest he hasn’t slept with anyone else. 2.5 years. So stupidly my initial thought was maybe we’re actually fixing this and we can finally make it work now it’s out in the open an we’ve addressed everything.

and then I was just like, why the fuck am I pleased my husband hasn’t had sex with another woman for 2.5 years. I still feel like I’m being played even though there’s no real evidence of him doing anything wrong right now. It’s such a mind fuck.

and then I just feel like a failure for trying to stay for this long and not making it.

The problem is that you cannot make a successful relationship by yourself. He needed to do his part, but unfortunately he only pretended to care about the relationship.

You are so angry now because there is nothing you can do to fix how awful he was and you will never be able to trust him.

I think you need to stop throwing good money after bad and start afresh.

And even if you are the one to pull the plug he is the one who destroyed the marriage.

Thank you… I just can’t wrap my head around how someone can fake an entire relationship. Day in, day out. I literally can’t comprehend it.

As far as you know. Sorry I’m sure that doesn’t help, but you didn’t know when he was cheating on you. With that background I wouldn’t be able to trust he had changed. X

Thank you… I just can’t wrap my head around how someone can fake an entire relationship. Day in, day out. I literally can’t comprehend it.

To him it's not fake. Sounds like he compartmentalises. They are separate things to him. It's less about you and more about something in him that craves the newness and illicit nature of an affair.

If you can understand this perhaps it will help quell your rage. It's almost like an addiction. The need to indulge in affairs to make him feel special, excited, indulged. He to ably feels it's not connected to his relationship with you.

He's not willing to confront and work on his 'problem' but it is his problem. Not a reflection of you or even his feelings for you.

Out if interest do you know how his past affairs ended? Did he pull the plug or did they? How was he when they ended. I suspect like an addict he needed a new fix ie new AP

I know a man like your H. When his partner found out about multiple affairs, he acted like your H. Claimed to confess to everything, promises of never doing it again. The sincerity, the desperation to keep her, his torment about what he had done. They embarked on the long slow process of talking everything through, getting everything out in the open, working to rebuild the relationship.

Turned out, all that time he had been continuing to see the OW she had not found out about. He was in the day seeing one of them, and then coming home to his partner with his sincerity and honesty and openess, and working everything through. Utter bastard.

He really was the last guy you’d think would cheat. Devoted to his partner. Genuinely devastated when she found out about his continued lies and ended the relationship.

I don’t think once a cheat always a cheat, but I do think a man with the pattern of cheating your has, will not change. For men like him, it’s just a process of learning how to hide his cheating better. .

They seemed to end mutually except the last one which ended because I found out

Well it occurred to me the other day that this is the longest he hasn’t slept with anyone else. 2.5 years.

Well, as far as you know.

He is a liar. He’ll be lying to you probably every single day and every time you bring up anything about his affairs. He’ll be minimising the fuck out of it all and probably demonising the OW to you (and will have done the same about you to the OW to justify his actions - that’s if they even knew he was married).

He’ll most likely do it again bc it’s a defect in him, like an addiction, he needs the thrill.

No way would I waste the rest of my life on a piece of shit like this. He’s taking you for an absolute mug OP - take control of your life and divorce the damaged goods!

Best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour.
He is who he is. Lying and cheating are part of him.

And OP, you have NOTHING to feel bad about yourself. This is absolutely 100 percent on him.

His behaviour is beyond abhorrent. I don’t see how anyone could regain trust or let go of anger whilst still with that person.

Its beyond forgivable.

In a way therapy is perhaps problematic for the scale of betrayal you have been through. It gives the impression the issue is workable through, if you just try. And some things just aren’t.

You seen to be carrying forgiveness as a burden of responsibility on yourself, but I think the truth is just that what he has done is not forgiveable.

After 2.5 years, it might be time to move on.

Sometimes I think that and I just think, other people are able to reconcile. He’s done all the right things since, there really is no evidence of anything restarted again.

like I just don’t know if it’s a case of it taking more time or if it’s still early days. I don’t know anymore.

I’ve never heard of anyone reconciling after the degree and depth of cheating you described.

Don’t give yourself a burden that’s too heavy to be carried.

I’m guessing finding these recent pictures will have set you back even further.

Why did he keep them? Are they old or new? Has he really stopped cheating?

He'll drive you mad and it’s not even worth it ☹️

I don’t know if they were old or new, they could have just been on there because he forgot to delete them at the time. No evidence of anything now.

You are making excuses for him because you want to believe they're old photos. He would have made sure that he deleted them all if he was sincere.

So the only way you’ve actually stayed married is because he’s been constantly unfaithful? Why on earth would it work now? He suddenly loves and respects you?

OP, here is the best advice I ever had on anger, ' Listen to your anger and steward it wisely.'

You are regarding your anger as an unnecessary thing you need to get rid of. But its telling you something, listen to it.

Its actually quite painful to listen to your self recriminations. The names and labels you are giving yourself. How you are internalising against your self all the feelings his actions have caused.

You found about all this at a very vulnerable time. It was a huge blow at a time of immense grief and loss. Of course you did not want any more loss at that time.

The fact your anger is not abating is telling you something. Listen to that.

I don’t think I could ever trust someone who did this to my family. Multiple times, not an accidental slip of the cock.

There’s no way he’s not cheating again. You’ve pretty much told him that you are okay with him having affairs, and won’t leave him! You’re mugging yourself off. He has done the ultimate betrayal. I couldn’t forgive after that. I’m not surprised you are angry…I think that anger is trying to communicate something to you…ie you deserve better.