2.5 years post affair(s). Does the anger ever stop??

[Twiglet13]

I am 2.5 years post affair discovery. I feel stupid even typing this out because I know it’s going to seem mad and I will look like a total idiot. DH cheated on me before we got married (ONS). Then continued to have multiple affairs throughout our 10 year marriage. Some lasting several years. I found out about all of them in one go - only the latest… but when I confronted him, he confessed to everything.

He did this whilst I was pregnant with our 2 young DC. Whilst my mother was dying of cancer. When I found out I was in so much shock I couldn’t function for about six months and tbh I was dealing with the death of my mum and couldn’t cope with my family falling apart too.

Part of me thinks he must love me if he’s staying. He swears he won’t leave. We’ve had counselling. But we’re 2.5 years in and I just wonder if this is it. I feel like I’m lying to myself sometimes, he’s still lying to me, and it’s all an act. I found pictures of the latest OW saved on his phone a few months ago, since deleted (or moved). It may have been an oversight but part of me doesn’t even want to know. I don’t think I can deal with it.

Does the anger ever stop? I had thought by this amount of time down the road it would be better. But sometimes I feel even more angry than when it first happened. Other times I feel ok. But it never seems to actually go.

For those who tried to reconcile did you eventually throw in the towel? If I’d known it would still feel like this after so long I’m not sure I would have tried to stay. I don’t know if it will get better. Am I kidding myself to think this is even fixable after what he’s done? I feel utterly stupid.

Such an awful hurtful experience for you. It's heartbreaking. The realisation that someone really doesn't give a shit about you is so difficult to endure. That's why you're staying put. He's getting something out of staying, clean pants, hot dinners? Whatever it is, it isn't about loving you. Who does that if they love you.

I think in this position, I'd go see a counsellor on your own. A female. I don't know if I'd even tell him based on how he has behaved. I'd consider a life away from this man and talk that through with your counsellor.

He can open a separate bank account that you don't know about. If he has an OW with her own place, there are no costs. If he has an OW happy to pay for the hotel rooms, there are no costs. If he wants a way around this, he can find it.

There are not enough checks and balances that you can put in place to know there is no cheating.

The key point is that 2.5 years in you are still massively unhappy.

From previous threadss on this topic ( did you survive after an affair) , there were distinct groups:

1. , the ' no, ended it immediately.'
2. ' tried to make it work but after a couple of years, realised the I could not and ended it'
3. ' stayed but wished I hadn't. It has never been the same since. Feel it is too late to leave now'.
4. And (and this was very much the minority) ' Stayed and worked through it and glad I did.' However, none of this women were recovering from serial cheats like yours. And of those who gave details it was fairly short term stuff, under a year.

You sound like you have a choice of being in group 2 or 3.

Your kids won't grow up without a Dad, you can divorce and find a way to make it work so that they have two loving parents.

I appreciate this topic has probably been posted about so many times. In a way it’s almost harder to leave once you’ve tried to reconcile because you have even more sunk costs. And if things are ‘better’ since, apart from the initial fall out, it can make things even more confusing.

in some ways we are closer than we were before. But then I just worry this is an act. That it won’t last. I also worry that I’m just trauma bonded and I’m staying because it’s better than nothing.

Don’t look at it as a sunk cost. You made an investment for your family. He needed to make the same investment. If he hasn’t or won’t, then you have a choice as to whether to leave.

'I’m staying because it’s better than nothing.'
The farce you're in now is nothing. Being rid of such a reprehensible, disgusting embarrassment of a male is everything.

20 years down the line here and yes, the anger has gone, for my part (I accept you prefer to be with someone else rather than me and I'd never lower myself to fight for you etc), but the anger about how it's changed the 'family life' dynamic for the children, never goes. I hate him for that. And I hate that it put me in a position of having to co-parent with him, and withhold my emotions for decades so that the children didn't suffer. I'm also grateful he's still with the OW, to spare my kids going through 'dad's new friend', scenarios, regularly. Yes, he's cheated on her and she knows owe this, but has been financially trapped from day 1, so can't leave. Shame 🤣

I agree. Some men are just like this, and I suspect he will always have other women on the go. Whether one of them will persuade him to leave you is a possibility, but he might carry on like this, with you as his primary partner for ever. It's a question of whether, knowing what he is like, you want to carry on.

It will happen again.

It's who he is.

They don't change.

They only get worse.

Bolder.

I’m sorry you’ve gone through this - you sound like a good person and you can do better.
Men like this give us a bad name, but there are better out there - bin him off and do better for you and your family.

I was told many years ago that ‘eyes look forwards for a reason’ - and it sounds like this loser belongs in your past.

Good luck

Only went once we separated ( divorced now) this was pre Internet.. but l found out about one.. then another.. then there were seven l know of.. once while l was pregnant.. once just after my Mum died.. one while l was recovering major surgery.
I was his second wife.. he's onto his 6th now.
Never ever change.
Least l got my wonderful daughter.. he's not seen her for 27 years.. doesn't even know he's got a Grandson. ( Apparently he's living abroad with 6th wife and still cheating).
No trust no relationship.

People like this don't change OP. He's proved over and over again that one woman isn't enough for him, why would that change now.

You mention that you're staying because of the kids. Don't. My Dad was like your husband, serial cheat, many affairs including my Mum's sister. She forgave him and stayed with him for years after she found out, but was never happy, and then guess what ,he did it again.

I hate that she stayed with him and was unhappy for years supposedly for mine and my brothers benefit. I'd much rather have never seen my knobhead of a Dad again and had a happy Mum instead. I'd rather not have to carry that guilt that she sacrificed her happiness for me.

He did a lot for a lot of years and you had no clue until 2.5 years ago, clearly he can do a lot without you knowing. You are deluded if you think it won't or hasn't happened since.
It's odd you still want sex with him, he doesn't even love or respect you if he can do all that, you must be quite desperate for his crumbs. Perhaps some therapy would help? It's not really normal to want co carry on after such extreme unfaithfulness, on multiple occasions, spanning many years. Maybe you should explore why you chose to put your health at risk like that. All sounds a bit yuk, he should be a turn-off.

Deep down, in your heart of hearts you know what you need to do. It’s just whether you have the strength to do it.

take the advice you’d give to your daughter.

for as long as you continue to cling to hope he isn’t what he is, get sexually tested REGULARLY

Urgh he is soiled, no it is not fixable.

Do not be faithful to him if you stay.

There are some men who cheat once and yes they do end up in a permanent relationship with that person. There are men though who constantly cheat and are adept at it - they are practised. eg taking photos of places when working or travelling and sending those at other times as "proof" of where they are. They can blatantly text a wife while with someone else or they operate on a different basis - "all the marriage "or "all the affair " as in they completely detach from the marriage when in cheating mode. When at home they do not text or look at phone to eliminate any suspicion. They choose a certain type of woman - one who they think is discreet or classy and who will not rock up at their door. They have rules and regulations.
Will you ever get over it? Only by making a new and happy life for yourself. The lies of your husband has created a liar of you with a pretence life for your children.

OP you deserve so much better.
Please ask yourself if you'd advise your children to remain in a relationship like yours.

Part of me thinks I’ll feel just as angry though, only my family will be torn apart and I’ll be alone on top of everything. He’ll find someone else, he makes a lot of money, so he’ll be fine. It’s just easier for men.

and I’ll be single, no guarantee I’ll even find anyone better. I’ll have the kids most of the time. Been a SAHM so no career to speak of.

I had really hoped this was fixable and I wouldn’t feel this way by this point. He’s done everything he can to fix it, but I don’t know if it’s just guilt and obligation at this point.

What would you tell your daughter if she ended up in a relationship like yours?!

He has zero respect or real love for you, and is openly showing you that. Is this an environment you want your children growing up in?!

Right, so stop thinking like he is a prize. He isn't. He might earn a lot of money. He might meet someone else. He's still a shitty person.

Stop even thinking about meeting someone else. Being alone is so much better than being slowly destroyed. You are frightened and maybe massively under confident. That is normal.

I too was a sahm. Such a power imbalance. It's terrible. I was worried and actually petrified. I had been controlled for so long.

I got a part time job to tide me and the dcs over whilst the divorce was negotiated.

And now I am going to retrain in a profession.

Start thinking about what to you want to do. Start to take back some of your power and strength.

I know you don't feel it at all just now. I didn't either. But you can retrain. You can have a job and then a career. You absolutely can be free and in charge of your own life. You can. You will. You just have to decide it's what you want. And then plan.

It's terrifying. Especially if you are with someone who takes care of all bills and basically controls everything financially. But you have take charge and slowly become more confident and proud.

Find a job now whilst you're still married. Start building.

And even if you stay together, your working addresses some of the power imbalance.

It also is an insurance policy for your future.

It’s been 8 yrs and I only recently let myself be angry - like you at the time I was completely blindsided and desperately wanted him to stay.
We did couples counselling recently and counsellor said we need to pause so I can work through it individually and work out if I can forgive. Been married 25yrs plus so sunk costs are greater.
He is now having therapy for sex addiction.
I just wanted to say I get how hard it is to walk away.

Serial cheats don’t change - ever. I second that it’s not risk your health to have sex with him any more. There are too many strains of super STDs around that don’t respond to the usual antibiotics and that’s an unpleasant thing to potentially have to deal with. If he cared at all he wouldn’t put you in this position. He now knows you’ll not leave and that he just needs to act repentant and you’ll act like it’s okay. I have that tshirt too.

@Twiglet13 I see what you mean, and you sound wise!

For me, the resentment would get too much & I'd want him out. But I suppose your options are;

1. Leave
2. Stay & keep trying to fix ()
3. Stay, check out of the relationship completely, have affairs, go away with your kids, friends & family without him. I.e. treat him as badly as he's treated you.

I'd be torn between 1&3, but would prob opt for 1. Especially if you could get a decent financial settlement.

You don't need to rely on a man financially and you are best off on your own 100%!

@Twiglet13

Ok, I understand the situation you are in. I completely understand when you say that you will still have the resentment and anger when you leave, due to the unfairness of it. He will be alright and you will have to rebuild a life. It will be like that and he will have caused it. And it’s normal to have rage about that.

Here is what a colleagues’ mum did when she realised her husband was a serial cheat. She went back to work ( after ten years out) and built a career. She said that it was easier as she did not need to invest at time or energy into her husband. She left when the kids grew up ( and actually ended up having an affair with a married man herself and marrying her affair partner!).

You would be wise to work and build some financial security for yourself whether you stay or go, because at the moment, you are very vulnerable if he ever does leave you. It’s hardly uncommon for men to wait till their wives have done the child rearing for them, and then leave for another woman.

You need to build as much financial security as you can. Does he pay into a pension for you? Does he put any assets in your name, ( men planning to leave will hide as many assets as they can)? do you know about and have evidence of all his financial matters?

You need to put a cold, clear head on and think about what is best for you, and the top things to consider are your long term financial security and your long term mental and emotional health.