2.5 years post affair(s). Does the anger ever stop??

[Twiglet13]

I am 2.5 years post affair discovery. I feel stupid even typing this out because I know it’s going to seem mad and I will look like a total idiot. DH cheated on me before we got married (ONS). Then continued to have multiple affairs throughout our 10 year marriage. Some lasting several years. I found out about all of them in one go - only the latest… but when I confronted him, he confessed to everything.

He did this whilst I was pregnant with our 2 young DC. Whilst my mother was dying of cancer. When I found out I was in so much shock I couldn’t function for about six months and tbh I was dealing with the death of my mum and couldn’t cope with my family falling apart too.

Part of me thinks he must love me if he’s staying. He swears he won’t leave. We’ve had counselling. But we’re 2.5 years in and I just wonder if this is it. I feel like I’m lying to myself sometimes, he’s still lying to me, and it’s all an act. I found pictures of the latest OW saved on his phone a few months ago, since deleted (or moved). It may have been an oversight but part of me doesn’t even want to know. I don’t think I can deal with it.

Does the anger ever stop? I had thought by this amount of time down the road it would be better. But sometimes I feel even more angry than when it first happened. Other times I feel ok. But it never seems to actually go.

For those who tried to reconcile did you eventually throw in the towel? If I’d known it would still feel like this after so long I’m not sure I would have tried to stay. I don’t know if it will get better. Am I kidding myself to think this is even fixable after what he’s done? I feel utterly stupid.

It was so horrific when it all came out I’d be really surprised he’d do it again. But maybe I’m wrong.

Come on OP, surely you know the answer to this one. He's cheated consistently for 10 years and has shown himself capable of huge betrayal, lies and manipulation. You've given yourself 2.5 years to see if it will work no you're still feeling shit. Does it really matter if he finally manages to find a streak of morality (which you will continue to doubt because of his past behaviour). How long are you going to keep doing this to yourself? You deserve much better, he doesn't.

I’m glad that you are angry and that it isn’t going away. It shows that there is a part of you that knows that you are worth so much more and that the situation is making you ill, and that part isn’t going to go away until you listen to it.

It doesn’t matter if your husband is doing “everything right” now. You are not happy with him, you don’t have to stay and you owe him nothing.

If you had a DD in this situation would you really want her to stay and to try & “make it work”?

If so, why?!

Whether he's doing it again or not is irrelevant, surely?

The extent of his past deceit and betrayal is astonishing. And surely unforgivable.

And as for compartmentalising areas of his life, he knew he was doing wrong, that it was unacceptable and hid it. Sounds like he's very very good at hiding.

Is he really all you want from life? A lying, betraying scuzzer? Nothing more?

You will always be wondering. If not now in another couple of years. Do you not crave peace of mind?

My stbxh also had multiple affairs. I only found out about them since we separated although I had my suspicions. Looking back I can't fathom how he could have just blithely done what he did and not felt awful. He didn't feel awful at all.

I think it must be some kind of disorder. And you'll be well rid.

That’s what he’s always said, that he just compartmentalised it all. I suppose really I was just wondering if it’s still early days and normal to be feeling this way. Or if it genuinely never gets better.

I know I am stupid for staying I just can’t imagine what life would be like on my own.

You're not stupid at all.

On your own, you will experience the freedom of knowing he can't pull the rug from under you again.

Priceless.

Are you having individual therapy? You might find the (right) therapist a safe place to explore your feelings and start to chart the way forward. I am working with someone right now whose parent committed suicide and who has other life stage issues they want to address. For them therapy is a safe hour to explore alternatives to their current life.

Whatever you decide does not have to happen in a moment. But it might happen very fast for all that. He is not the only one who is compartmentalizing. You are too in a way. I think when you let the walls down and reflect on his affair while you were losing your mother you will be seept away by your anger.

Why do you want to try and fix things so badly? In what way is he a good partner?
If you stay with him you’re condemning yourself to a life of insecurity and that sicky anxious feeling of never knowing if he’s being honest.

How would being on your own be worse than that?

Only stopped once I divorced him.

All cheating men pride themselves on their ability to ‘compartmentslise’.

Thats just a way of saying ‘ I don’t see women as deserving respect or agency, so I am entitled to lie and manipulate them to get them in the role I want them in, in my life’.

I was the other woman in a very long term relationship (didn’t know he was married). When it all came out, he stayed with his wife, we didn’t speak for 2 years and now he’s back on the scene, begging forgiveness, crying, always saying how much he hates his life and how he’s trapped. On paper it looks like we have nothing to do with each other, but every couple of weeks he’ll reappear wanting to talk, wanting to make amends… just because you may think nothing is going on doesn’t mean that’s the case, do what’s best for you

Check the metadata of the photos on his phone if you can. That will tell you when they were taken.
I am so sorry you have been so sad for so long x

Too late now but when they were taken wouldn’t necessarily tell me that much if they were screenshots of her social media pics for example.

This is a shit situation. I would think that you will be forever wondering if he is cheating after all the cheating he has done. The only way you will be free of that, is if he is not your partner.

TBH, i have definitely supported friends through infidelity, but that was after long marriages and real trials and tribulations that the marriage had suffered over time. This example is not that. It is a disgraceful way to treat your wife.

Also, none of us can imagine the future, but it comes anyway. The only thing you can do is know that what you do today, shapes what is coming.

It was so horrific when it all came out I’d be really surprised he’d do it again. But maybe I’m wrong.

I guess you are wrong. The lesson he learned was that he could cheat and you wouldn't leave him. What's his incentive for suddenly gaining a conscience?

It's sad how much you don't value yourself, you think scum is all you deserve. Have you ever worked on your self esteem?
Nothing could be lonelier than choosing to be married to a man who holds you in such open contempt.
Such a prolific shagger will easily be able to conceal his latest multiple mistresses by using another phone or hidden apps, his words are worthless, meaningless, so go by what you know-this man cannot and should not be trusted. There is no reason to believe anything he says, on fact, you'd be insane to.
Rather than wasting more of your one life analysing and pondering this shit quality man, focus on being the best example to your kids, and on what you want from life, and work towards it. You could be happy and free if you choose to be.

While your odious bloke is still lingering about, get very frequent STD tests.

Sorry, but I think this is likely. The guy I told you about, this was him. His partner was in a terrible state, he was full of remorse and desperate to put things right to her face. And he was still seeing at least one of his OW, whilst promising he lifelong faithfulness.

These men are fraudsters. They are really, really good at playing a persona to each woman they are with.

I would never, ever trust a serial cheat.

Problem is your anger is absolutely justified. And if you can't rationalise your way out of it (because it totally makes sense why you feel this way), then you either suck it up & bury it deep or live with the rage and hope it subsides.

Part of me thinks he must love me if he’s staying. He swears he won’t leave.
This bit stood out the me because the power balance feels all wrong.
I think it's YOU who should question whether you love a man you don't really know, and definitely can't trust; and it should be about whether YOU stay not worrying he's going to leave.

This should be all about you, how you feeling, what you really want for your future, whether you can live with a man you can't trust, and whether you think the wounds will heal.

Cheating for me personally is a thick red line, mainly because I know I just couldn't forgive, I'm not strong enough, the anger would poison me. I admire you for even trying.

Problem is your anger is absolutely justified. And if you can't rationalise your way out of it (because it totally makes sense why you feel this way)

This.

I can't give advise on the affairs. But just wanted to say I know how hard it is to lose your mum whilst raising young children and I'm really sorry for your loss xx

It's highly unlikely he will stop cheating. All he's given you is that he won't leave. Well, good for him, doesn't mean you can't kick him out.
First steps first though, and you can still eak out of this situation what you want. If that is to stay as a family as you fear being alone at present, fine. Just stop trying to get back what you never had from the start - a monogamous, loving relationship. Accept that he cheats and that will continue and take the bits of the relationship you want, seeing as he's not willing to leave. No sex ever, for a start, make it platonic from your side - if you have a spare room, use it. Don't be putting your health at risk for him.
Look at your family dynamics, who does what around the home? Do you work? Does he pull his weight? If he doesn't, don't pick up his slack, he can cook his own meals, wash his own clothes, tidy up after himself, ect. It's no longer down to you if you've been doing it.
It's baby steps to detach, it's less scary than an immediate split, it gives you all the time you need to get your head around it. Just assert your needs a bit at a time.

He hasn’t cheated again since I found out though, I’m pretty sure of that. I have access to all the bank accounts, everything, so I’d notice anything untoward. So if he can manage it, is it really such a lost cause? I guess I just hadn’t expected to still feel this way after so long and I don’t know if that’s normal or a sign it’s all pointless.

not having sex with him would be the same as ending it anyway because he’s made it clear a sexless marriage wouldn’t work and that’s something we’ve had to work on a lot since this all came out.

I just don’t want our DC to grow up without a Dad. My parents split when I was their age and I never wanted the same for them.

@Twiglet13 if your dc came to you as an adult and said their husband / wife had been cheating whilst pregnanct / dealing with bereavement. What would you advise them to do.

He hasn’t cheated again since I found out though, I’m pretty sure of that. I have access to all the bank accounts, everything, so I’d notice anything untoward.

Not saying this to be cruel op but honestly, this doesn’t mean a thing.

A married guy I was seeing (who claimed he’d separated from his wife - he hadn’t!) had multiple phones and paid cash for everything.

They just get more adept at the deceit IMO.

Why do you think your kids wouldn't have a Dad if you got rid of the scumbag?