Opinions sought about how you would feel about one of the worst things you could imagine actually happened and noone told you.

[Lauriefairycake]

So, in this scenario you're divorced and you remarry. Fastforward ten years and most people in the family know your husband abused your daughter (his step daughter) sexually when she was a child but noone ever told you.

How would you feel about this

Currently trying to persuade someone to tell her (she is lovely and greatly loved) but I am not in the family.

If it were I would want to know. I have had to confront a family member myself over this issue, he took responsibility for it - I now have peace.

I can so understand the fear of telling the wife because the fall out could be huge but until it's done that in itself eats away at you. For me the reality was nowhere near as bad as what I had built it up into being.

er harpsi i am doing anything but criticising this girl! i think i may have not expressed things well, or we really disagree on this. i am def not putting any fault on the victim here. what i find really hard is that she is living with something that she doesn't have to, because she is so scared of how it is going to affect things, for her mother, her family, etc etc. i feel angry for her, that as a very young adult she is having to face these concerns, after already being traumatised enough. the buck has to stop there. if she is not careful, this will carry on, for a long time, if it is not dealt with, this could affect her subtley for her whole adult life, and her children. protecting your mother, does not make you close to yor mother. you arfe reversing roles there. sorry to the op, but i do feel quite strongly about this

Agree. It is not the child's job to protect the mother from someone the mother chose as her husband. Other way round!

Noone needs to apologise to me for their opinions, I am very grateful for all input

I wasn't suggesting you were criticising her for it. I am just questioning your certainties.
I feel very strongly about it too. I think we cannot second guess the SILs decision making and her feelings. it is up to her, and it is wrong in so many ways to pretend we know the best thing to do.
none of us do. it could all work out really really badly for her and she needs to make her own decisions in her own time.

just to pick up on a point made by hmc above, in terms of normalisation - nothing supports that more than people (esp family) knowing and not disclosing.

I know, that just kills me jekyll

It has been very very hard to walk that line between supporting her in her decision-making and also condemning what he did without taking the decision from her and doing it for her.

laurie, i really dont have anythig else constructive to say. just lots of positive vibes for you and yoru family.

yes of course it is her decision, and no-one knows what the 'best' thing to do is. and she will do what is right for her. however, i hate to say it, but when you have gone through certain things, you may not always be the most objective and certain yourself about what is best for you to do. this is exactly the issue with this sort of experience. things get very confusing. and you focus too much on other people.

apologies for taking a fairly hard-line approach, but i think i would strongly encourage and support her in telling her mother, or i would do it for her.

in answer to the op,as a mother i would want to know as my children are more important to me than anybody else in the world.

Apart from feeling devastated that that had happened to my child, I'd be incredibly angry that people knew I was living and sharing a bed with a child abuser and continued to let it happen. That's the sort of thing you need to know about your partner. It changes everything.

SYmpathies to you and your family, LFC. You are doing a hell of a job and it must be very hard for you too. But I think the decision to tell has to be your SIL's. I think that people who have been abused need to be the ones in charge of making decisions, because having decisions made for them can sometimes make them feel that they are still powerless, still the one to whom things are done, for their own good or not.

Something similar happened to friends of our family. Elderly couple, he was best friend of my dad. They had one adoptive daughter. Very troubled, young, gay, and very unhappy. She starts going to therapy. Then she remembers repressed memories of her adoptive father sexually abusing her. She tells her mum. Mum is devastated, marriage on the rocks. Father kills himself. Then there is doubts as to the therapist, he is under scrutiny for having somehow planted memories of young girls being sexually abused.

Sorry, not saying this is a similar story, but oh, so tragic. So sorry you have this on your head, what a responsibility. Good your SIL has you.

Just thought I would give a quick update. She told her over the weekend and thankfully she believed her immediately. He is in hospital having an operation so she has had a few days to untangle some of her financial affairs so that when he comes out he will not be in a position to be 'difficult'. Everyone is very upset but she is resolved to leave him. They are both getting lots of support and are closer than ever.

So pleased to hear that outcome. I hope they are both ok. And hope you are too.