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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Opinions sought about how you would feel about one of the worst things you could imagine actually happened and noone told you.

116 replies

Lauriefairycake · 26/03/2008 13:50

So, in this scenario you're divorced and you remarry. Fastforward ten years and most people in the family know your husband abused your daughter (his step daughter) sexually when she was a child but noone ever told you.

How would you feel about this

Currently trying to persuade someone to tell her (she is lovely and greatly loved) but I am not in the family.

OP posts:
Blu · 26/03/2008 14:53

Oh, my goodness.

Poor, poor girl, and bless her for being worried for her Mum.

If I were the Mum i would melt myself over my child t protect her and i would wrack myself ragged in trying to make up for so many years of unprotectiveness. I would be terribly distressed - for the loneliness of my dd in bearing this all these years, in losing the man i thought i knew, all-consuming anger at him. I would recognise what it took for my dd to tell me, and know that it was right that she did.

I think this is how I would be.

BUT who knows. Maybe all that would be so distressing that i couldn't face it and I would seek a cowards refuge in denial. I can't imagine that I would do that, but many people DO seem to deny the possibility, so it can't be ruled out.

But it would still be right to tell.

No-one should be out in your SIL's position - the man is the one who is reposnsible for all this, not her.

But -

prussell · 26/03/2008 14:56

When it eventually comes out her mother is going to be absolutely devastated. No question. And there are going to be emotional upheavals in the family that I can only imagine, including a huge amount of guilt for the mother.

But I can't imagine that any mum who cares for her child (as the one you describe clearly does) would prefer that the child goes through this alone. Keeping this secret must be so damaging to the mother/daughter relationship. And how much worse for her to find out from anyone else.

Naturally it is the daughter's call and she shouldn't feel pressured to do anything that she doesn't want to do. But I know that if I was the mother in this situation, I would absolutely 100% no doubt want to know. Both from the perspective of knowing what kind of man I was married to but also, even more importantly, for my relationship my daughter. Only once it is all out in the open can the healing begin.

Good luck to you - such an awful situation.

Original poster
Lauriefairycake · 26/03/2008 15:08

I'm so sorry Tillyscoutsmum

And I'm so grateful to all so far who have posted.

OP posts:
KerryMum · 26/03/2008 15:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TillyScoutsmum · 26/03/2008 15:54

It's ok. I can really understand your SIl's reluctance tbh. There are no "winners". Her mum will either believe and support her (and it sounds as though that will be the case here) and if that happens, her mum will be mortified that she didn't know what was going on and that she has had a relationship with someone who was capable of doing that. Alternatively, she won't believe her (or will be in denial) and your SIL has to cope with that.

Either way your MIL and SIL will be both hurt. The only person who won't get hurt is the bast*rd that did it in the first place

Whooosh · 26/03/2008 16:06

Now I know this is a strange comment and one which can't really be answered but are you absolutely sure that your MIL had no knowledge or inkling that this might have been going on?

As a therapist you must be aware of the statistics regarding this.

I am not suggesting she was complicit in his actions but as a Mother,I could not imagine not being aware of this kind of thing happening.

Rgeardless it is a horrible situation for all and your SIL is very lucky to have such a supportive group of people around her.

Original poster
Lauriefairycake · 26/03/2008 16:12

Whoosh - 100% - definitely.

Only two incidences (only ffs!) - lasting a few minutes, when she wasn't home.

There's no way on earth.

OP posts:
taken4granted · 26/03/2008 16:56

I was abused by a man my mum lived with for yrs and when I told her yrs after he left she never believed me - thats not necessarily the case here but I do believe that this woman needs to know exactly what type of man she has married. If he's not abusing children in the family now he may well in the future and she needs to be aware of what sorry about this an absolute scumbag he is. Being abused affect the rest of your life and all relationships in all types of ways you never even contemplate. Her mum does need to know about this man if only to ensure that she ensures he is never trusted to be alone with any children in the future. Sorry but I agree with others once someone (male/female) has abused a child once it is easier for them to do it again - this man needs some serious help counselling and maybe even medical treatment. Sorry has to be said and I apologise to everyone now for being outspoken on this subject but child abusers are filth and I would hate to think that this man has been in the comany of other children where he could do the same when ever he wants - he has basically got away with his crime. I could go on but Im sure you can guess the strength of my feelings....... Tell your fiend to explain to her mum that shes doing it in case she has kids and inadvertantly the step dad has access to them at any time on his own and abuses her grandchildren how would she feel then? Theres nothing she can do about the past but she can ensure it doesnt happen in the future - personally Id be on the phone and report him but I could understand why the mum might not want to confront him but for every childs sake this man should not be left alone with any child just in case he felt the need to repeat his experiences.

Whooosh · 26/03/2008 17:09

Am relieved to be honest-it is scary the number of wives who do know.

I wish your SIL all the very best with her decision-it may well help her Mum-give her a reason to leave the pig-bedridden or not....

warthog · 26/03/2008 18:34

if i were her mum i would want to know.

but i think she needs to be prepared for the possibility that her mum will deny it and support her step-dad, and not her. not saying that this will definitely happen, it's a possibility.

anothernamefornow · 26/03/2008 18:56

I have been in this situation and ended up telling my mother 10 years later only to protect my younger sister - if she hadn't been there I can honestly say I never would have told. I guess if I'm honest I partly wanted to protect her and partly to protect myself - I was worried about how she would react.

In the end she was very hurt that she had never noticed what was going on right under her nose. In part I think it helped me too as until that point I (irrationally, I know) felt a certain degree of responsibility for the situation. It was after I told her I was able to look back and recognise that I really had been a child at the time and that I was nothing but the victim. But it was hard, and I still am not comfortable talking about it, if he ever gets mentioned I tend to walk out of the room.

I don't hate him, I feel and have always felt sorry for him, which I think was also part of the whole thing. In a sense I didn't want to hurt him either.

Not sure what I am trying to say, maybe just that she needs to do things in her own way in her own time. What her mother feels is not important, what is important is what she needs to do to be OK again.

KerryMum · 26/03/2008 19:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jekyllandhyde · 26/03/2008 20:14

it sounds as though it is the adults that are being protected here, not the victim. the abuser is not having to face up to his actions, and the mother is not having to deal with who she's married to. and even though the victim is an adult now, she is still the one who endured this and needs to be protected - even if it's from her own misplaced guilt. i personally feel this needs to be outed. in the long term, i think that would be the only way for the victim to really move on

winebeforepearls · 26/03/2008 20:17

KerryMum, I think the family all knows now, but didn't know the abuse was going on at the time.

ginnedup · 26/03/2008 20:18

No KM - People know now, 10 years on but nobody knew at the time.

Original poster
Lauriefairycake · 26/03/2008 20:39

God no Kerry, noone knew at the time. She told noone till 18 months ago.

OP posts:
harpsichordcarrier · 26/03/2008 20:42

hmmm ok well we have established that the mum would be upset.
but tbh I am not sure that gets us much further.
it is up to the person who was abused to decide who she tells.
her feelings are the feelings that matter.
I don't think it is fair to play on her feelings of guilt any further.
I expect she has her reasons, and that they are sound.
I would leave it alone, tbh.

horsish · 26/03/2008 20:45

I would leave well alone now that you have discussed the issue with the victim.

I t is completely up to the abused person to decide who to tell and when.

The question of " as the mother, would you like to be told" is irrelevant. It's not about the mother it's about the abused daughter.

fingerwoman · 26/03/2008 20:47

I would be so upset if I didn't know something like this. absolutely gutted.
not only because it happened and I didn't stop it, but because I wasn't allowed the chance to support my daughter and help her through what must still be an awful time.

I love my children, and I would put aside the awful, awful feelings of what had gone on, to concentrate on what they were going through NOW.

horsish · 26/03/2008 20:47

and in answer to your questionj I DONT KNOW! (whether as a mother I would want to be told years after the event)

Original poster
Lauriefairycake · 26/03/2008 20:49

yes, her feelings very much do matter.

I have posted this on here (I said this a lot earlier but there's now a lot of pages) because she doesn't want to 'upset' her mum and I was asking a bunch of mumsnetters how they would feel not knowing about this and whether it is worse not knowing than knowing.

I am hoping to show her this thread so that if she is only thinking of her mum she might consider the perspective that her mum may rather know.

Hence asking a bunch of mums if you know what I mean.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lauriefairycake · 26/03/2008 20:51

The only reason I'm focusing on the mother is because the only reason she doesn't want to tell is because she doesn't want to hurt her.

It's very hard to get her to focus on how she feels and how it has hurt her as she is so loving, caring and concerned for her mother.

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 26/03/2008 20:52

Hmm. Tough one.

Unless you think that this man is a present danger, eg because he is in regular contact with other young girls, then there is little you can do, and you absolutely must respect your SIL's wishes. You cannot put pressure on her, or have her carry any more guilt. It's not fair. It is fair for you to continue to counsel her, and help her realise she has nothing to feel guilty about.

harpsichordcarrier · 26/03/2008 20:55

oh lordy
once the pandora's box is opened, though, it can't be reversed.
the mother will feel absolutely terrible.
it will break up her marriage
it will blight all her memories

I absolutely do not blame her for not wanting to tell her mother.

jekyllandhyde · 26/03/2008 21:02

i'm sorry but i strongly think that the sil needs to bring this into the open. and should be encouraged to do so. she is carrying a burden with this, and although she has shared it with others, i'm not sure she will find resolution unless, it is, well, resolved.