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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Opinions sought about how you would feel about one of the worst things you could imagine actually happened and noone told you.

116 replies

Lauriefairycake · 26/03/2008 13:50

So, in this scenario you're divorced and you remarry. Fastforward ten years and most people in the family know your husband abused your daughter (his step daughter) sexually when she was a child but noone ever told you.

How would you feel about this

Currently trying to persuade someone to tell her (she is lovely and greatly loved) but I am not in the family.

OP posts:

ShinyDysonHereICome · 26/03/2008 14:09

Her Mum needs to live with trust and honesty everyone deserves that.

I also think that your SIL will feel like the most enormous weight has been lifted from her shoulders once everything is out in the open.

The longer she leaves it, the harder it will be to do.

How great that she has you for support

Original poster

Lauriefairycake · 26/03/2008 14:09

No, not a client (if it was a client it would be dead easy as I have supervision and social services on standby)

I promise that noone is at risk, you will all have to trust me with that as I can't give any more away without being revealing. He is for one, permanently bedridden.

OP posts:

frumpygrumpy · 26/03/2008 14:09

This man is sick. I would never want to be in the same room as him again. My daughter would be my top priority and I would feel sad that she had felt she had to protect me. Mothers protect children. Not the other way round. Its nature.

frumpygrumpy · 26/03/2008 14:10

All the very best with it.

scorpio1 · 26/03/2008 14:11

what about his internet use? Just a thought.

Hope you get a positive outcome.

cheeseontoast · 26/03/2008 14:15

No-one can change what has happened in the past. But this must be affecting her relationship with her mother now and in the future. (Does she visit her mothers home comfortably for example).

For this reason alone, she MUST tell her. She deserves it, and so does her mother.

JeremyVile · 26/03/2008 14:17

I can completely see where you're coming from, but I don't think you should try to persuade her to tell her mother.
She has clearly felt able to speak to other people about it but not her mum.
I feel strongly that victims of abuse should not have expectations on them as to how they choose to deal with it.
As an outsider, it definitely seems that telling her mum would be the right thing to do but the fact is, she has chosen not to. And it really can only be her choice.
She is the victim here, and even though if it was my daughter I'd be devestated not to have been told, and she shouldn't be coerced into something she clearly doesn't feel comfortable with.

hecate · 26/03/2008 14:18

I would want to know. Dear God I would want to know. That man would be OUT of my life in 10 seconds flat.

namechange12345 · 26/03/2008 14:19

I have namechanged for this for obvious reasons.
I was also abused as a child and didn't tell my Mum. It is something that doesn't go away, it is always in your head and it affects all aspects of your life, including your adult relationships. I have had therapy which has done wonders for me and I have finally come to terms with what happened to me and stopped it interfering with my life now.
My abuser is now dead and I have still not told my Mum purely to protect her feelings. I'm sure she would blame herself/feel responsible for leaving me in this persons care and my take on it is why hurt her now when it is all in the past and I have dealt with it.
Your friend's situation is different in that her Mum is still with the stepfather and has a right to know what sort of person she is married to.
But your sister in law should only tell her Mum when she is completely ready to face it and not before. I wish her all the luck in the world and hope she can get through this and have a happy life.

Original poster

Lauriefairycake · 26/03/2008 14:24

I feel strongly about that too JV (as a therapist) and that is why I have been supporting her unconditionally with doing nothing the last 18 months.

There are other things happening which mean it is going to come out in the future - that is why I'm bringing it up now. Someone in the family is having a baby and will not (quite rightly) go and visit. This is going to become at some point very obvious - my sis in law know this and has always said that she expects it to come out when he is going to be around children. She knows this has only ever been about delay.

I really don't want you to think I'm pushing her, just trying to get her to bring it to the forefront of her mind. She has been burying this for more than ten years and the way she copes with it is by pretending it didn't happen. I know (from a counselling point of view) that she told me because she needed support to process it - i remind her of it for her own good if you know what i mean.

OP posts:

JeremyVile · 26/03/2008 14:25

I have got slightly confused - I thought the abuser and this girls mother were divorced and he had remarried.
So the mother is still married to this man?
Hmm, even more reason why she would want to know - but I still feel the onus is not in the daughter to do anything she is not comfortable with.

skidoodle · 26/03/2008 14:26

Oh right. Your clarification changes things a lot.

If I were the mother I would really, really want to know. But if I were the daughter I can imagine not wanting to tell my mother for many reasons, e.g. not wanting to upset her, not wanting to have to re-open the episode by dealing with her hurt and betrayal over it.

I don't think the mother has a right to know, much as she might prefer it, but I do think the daughter has a right not to tell her.

Original poster

Lauriefairycake · 26/03/2008 14:27

I would not have brought this on here now (and I didn't 18 months ago when i found out)if she wasn't tipping over to preparing to tell her.

That's why I'm very grateful to those who are saying that they would want to know as you are all mostly mothers.

OP posts:

JeremyVile · 26/03/2008 14:27

Oh I dont think you're pushing her at all, it's clear you are offering her invaluable support in really difficult circumstances.

Original poster

Lauriefairycake · 26/03/2008 14:28

Not only are they still together but they are all living in the same house (my sis in law is back from university)

OP posts:

JeremyVile · 26/03/2008 14:29

God, how awful for her.

WinkyWinkola · 26/03/2008 14:32

Oh god.

Does your DH know, Laurie? Is it your DH's sister?

How come most people in the family know about this and did nothing?

I would be filled with so much self loathing that my child went through this under my nose and I did nothing. I would be racking my brains for clues that I had missed.

I would want to know. I would be angry that I'd not known for so long.

Original poster

Lauriefairycake · 26/03/2008 14:37

I do also think she has a right not to tell her. I also think those people that know have a right to protect their own children by not taking them round there (it's not born yet but you know what I mean)

These things are going to come into conflict at some point.

The reason I'm focusing on this now is because she is saying that the only reason she is not telling her now is because she will be devastated. I'm trying to at least get her to consider the possibility that she may be more hurt by not knowing, more hurt when it eventually comes out and finds out that others knew.

Another reason this is presenting itself is that mil is starting to really dislike her husband but fears that everyone will condemn her if she leaves this (really nasty and I can't post anything identifiable here) guy because he is disabled and she is the main carer for him. My sister in law keeps focusing on that in the hope that she will leave him anyway.

I however know differently and that she will never leave him unless she knew about this.

OP posts:

winebeforepearls · 26/03/2008 14:40

What an awful, horrible situation. It will break her mother's heart to find this out, but if it were me I would still want to know.

If I found out after my husband's death, I would be so much more angry (if possible) that I couldn't confront him -- that he got away with it.

But it doesn't make it any easier for your SIL, poor love. Please try to explain that she mustn't feel guilty for the fall-out if she tells her mother.

Original poster

Lauriefairycake · 26/03/2008 14:41

Noone knew until 18 months ago. Yes, my dh knows now and one of the other brothers. The reason they have not done anything is because we have all agreed to love and support her and move at her own pace.

That pace is now quickening and presenting more problems as we go on.

I absolutely adore my mother in law, she is the most loving Christian woman - which is why she would not leave him without knowing this. She would rather make herself ill running round after this bastard than leave him.

OP posts:

winebeforepearls · 26/03/2008 14:43

x-posted.

Yes, I think more hurt if/when it comes out and other people knew.

OK, he's disabled, but he'll be taken care of one way or the other.

cheeseontoast · 26/03/2008 14:44

Of course she will be devastated, that she didn't somehow know, that she didn't protect her little girl, that her little girl couldn't tell her.

Sounds to me though like an opportunity to attempt to put things right, build a closer relationship, and get this idiot out of her poor mothers life.

noddyholder · 26/03/2008 14:45

I think you are doing the right thing inntaking it at her pace.It is very brave of her to even confide in you..Secrets are suffocating and destroy people so it would be great for her to be unburdened and also for her mum to be able to leave this awful man. I know for a fact that someone in my family abused a minor and I have never been able to say because of all kinds of reasons and he too is dead now and I just don't see the point in causing the upset.

namechange12345 · 26/03/2008 14:48

I've been thinking about this with my mother hat on, if my dd was in this situation, of course I would be devastated and hurt, but I would also want to comfort her and protect her and my future grandchildren from this monster and also would want to confront him and possibly get justice for her. I hope this thread helps her, she has a fantastic sensitive family round her. My dh would have gone ballistic by now if it had been his sister.

TillyScoutsmum · 26/03/2008 14:50

I'm in a very similar position to your friend and kept quiet for years. When I had my own dd last year I couldn't keep it to myself any longer (there was no way I was going to let him anywhere near my dd) so I told my mum. Unfortunately she has chosen to stay with him . To be honest, I wish I'd have done it years ago because at least then I wouldn't have had to deal with it all after having just had a baby.

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