I feel like an unattractive monster to DH

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DH is in recovery programme for alcholics. Meets his sponsor weekly. It’s been a very tough few years. Zero intimacy due to his drinking and I’ve been patient as much as I could be on that front. I’ve put up with a lot over the years with his behaviour.

This morning I gently broached the subject again about us restarting sex. Basically he said he just doesn’t want to. Me being a nagging partner, I tried to understand why he doesn’t want to and when will be the right time when he finally feels ready.

What followed was a barrage of telling me for years I’ve made him feel like a failure, when we’ve had past sex I’ve made him feel inadequate and I’ve been critical. I can only think of one occasion where I was frustrated, but I’ve always tried to be patient and understanding. So I said to him, so you’re punishing me for the past. Then I got shouted at again, that I was self absorbed, the world doesn’t revolve around me. It’s his issue and not mine. So I just turned away, quite tearful. What felt like an eternity of silence resulted in him apologising. That he recognised his words were hurtful. I asked him again (believe me I’m a tryer) if he can currently feel sexually stimulated by porn, tiktok videos of scantily clad girls in bikinis, why does he think he can’t start to connect with me like that. He then said he wasn’t sure, it’s far complex than this.

I have felt so sad and rejected since this mornings conversation, he’s tried to make up bringing me breakfast but I feel so unattractive and unworthy. Like my nagging and constant begging for attention has made him dig his heels in more. I feel very much to blame for our lack of sex. I must not ask again until he feels ready, he said he thinks counselling may help us but he’s not sure.

I know I’ve written a lot and I hope it makes sense but what would you do in this situation? Is counselling going to work? Should I leave? I feel quite anxious about ending things as my confidence is and has already been shattered lots of times. We have children too.

I’m not sure what to make of this. Can anyone help, I’m heading out shopping but I hope Mumsnet has some insights to help me as I’m feeling really down about this.

Yeah, he sounds like a typical self-centred, self-pitying alcoholic. Unwilling to take responsibility for himself and it's always someone else's fault. What do you see in him?

It's not unusual for alcoholics to get sober and then for their marriages to end.

If the alcoholic is trying (or sort of trying) but keeps relapsing, then the constant disappointment can be far too much for the spouse.

If they really work the steps, then they will have a personality change as a result of that, which can mean the partner is now with someone quite different to who they originally fell in love with.

Add to that, sometimes it's just too little too late and the damage done is simply to great to be got over and forgiven.

Whichever the case in your marriage, it appears you've ended up with someone who doesn't want to have sex with you, and that is generally the death knell for most relationships.

What does catch my attention is that you feel his lack of sexual feelings are somehow a reflection on you. You might find it useful to look into Al-Anon, for families of alcoholics
https://al-anonuk.org.uk/

I am really not sure. When he’s lovely, he is my best friend, laughter, daftness. He’s very practical and can fix but doesn’t show affection how I need it, typical man maybe. I try to give him support and care as a partner but I’ve probably lost myself. Now I feel blamed for nagging and pressing him on this. But I feel I can no longer have sex kept away from me. It really does feel like he is punishing me. His words have really hurt me today.

As someone in recovery I can tell you he’s definitely not working his programme here. He’s being a self centred twat. Full of self pity.

if you have patience and he tries hard enough this could all change dramatically over the next few months. If he doesn’t try it won’t.

You’ve been through enough, you don’t have to put up with this if you don’t want to.

I’ve been to Al Anon. I didn’t connect with the groups. I did talk to someone on the helpline which was good. So I guess you’re saying he no longer feels attracted to me and so he is going through the motions??

I think he is self pitying but when I’ve dared suggest this I get his anger and accusations that I’m a monster. Today I feel like a fat, unattractive monster.

Thank you for your replies, am I at fault though with my nagging and at times moodiness. I get so frustrated when I try to work through our issues. I don’t think he hears what it is like for me despite his remorse now.

You speak about porn use. I'm not going to ask whether it's a problem because it obviously is- It's not ok for anyone to choose porn over their real life partner. But I wonder whether porn has become a new crutch after alcohol?

He sounds extremely unkind and like he's not really taking responsibility for himself, and so not really engaging as he should with a holistic recovery.

If he feels (and I'm not saying for one moment that you are) that you are critical and make him feel like a failure he may well struggle to get past that.

Sex in long term relationships can be about much more than just physical attraction and if he feels like you are critical and this is a long term perception he has he will find it hard to open up.

I don't have any advice to offer, sorry.

His former addiction issues and current recovery are a red herring here in my opinion (as someone who has abused alcohol previously myself and is now several years sober, and who has known plenty of people with addictions in my long life, had relationships with them etc.)

Even at my drunkest I knew who I wanted to have sex with and who I didn't.

It is possible for people to lose their libidos of course, through depression etc. But there is also a responsibility to make sure you make your loved one feel loved. And even if your husband was pissed to brainlessness he would know this, and he able to make some efforts in that direction.

It sounds like you have suffered a lot in this relationship and put up with a huge amount, and there has to be a limit. In your situation I would not stay to be insulted.

So it ok for him to say to you 'the world doesn't revolve round you' in his opinion but it was ok for the world to revolve round him and a bottle.you've gave so much,what have you gotten back in return?.

Given so much.

This is less to do with alcohol but more that hes replaced alcohol with other addictions.
My ex lost interest in sex...to add...im pretty...decent, kind, looked after him...but he had a dependency on porn. Lost his erection regularly... couldn't be bothered..i also was patient.
I wish i wasnt.
I lost my self esteem and he never comforted me or talked..just stonewalled and got defensive.
I bet my bottom dollar hes spending heaps if time watching porn etc.
In time it affects relationships if over used...it replaces human connection. Thats when they get cold towards you.
I finished the relationship.
Btw you are not a 'nag' ...i hate that word. A word invented by men to shut women up. You are trying to address issues, not nag! .
But please dont waste time with him if hes replacing you with these things...its very hard work and erodes your self esteem

Do you think that his porn use is another addiction? Something he has replaced alcohol with?

Haven't you given this man enough? How much more are you willing to put yourself and your kids through for his benefit. Don't you think you deserve more? If I were you, I would be getting the fuck away from this horrible, selfish addict.

The addiction issues here are such a red herring. He feels heranged into having sex with you. Is that how you want it to be? You apply pressure and your partner unwillingly delivers? If this was gender reversed the answers would be totally different but there's a profound lack of respect for men on here so that stands to reason.

Men love sex, lots of women do too, they don't willingly go without it for no reason. He isn't doing it just to spite you. Something between you two needs repairing first. He's bad at communicating that and you are bad at listening, you're taking it personally, getting upset and making it all about you. Step back and take sex completely off the table for a few months and try to reconnect romantically. Nothing kills a libido like a whiney partner trying to push you into sex, I know I'd never stand for that I'd leave in fact. Have you tried actually building some chemistry and and a spark instead of demanding?

Do you remember what you said to him that he took as critical?

If you said "darling, maybe a bit more pressure" or something, fine... but if you said "is it in yet", or "yeah I can't feel anything"... that's staying with him for life.

Everyone has their own triggers...

Oh he's definitely at fault too, I'm not denying that, but I'm trying to work out the justification for his accusation.

Like so many posts of this type it’s mainly about the alcoholic.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. Something is keeping you with him now(codependency perhaps) so what is it?. You have a choice re this man, your children do not. You do not have to put up with this from him if you do not want to. He’s not above projecting his own self into you either, it is HE who is self absorbed, not necessarily you.

If this situation has felt bad enough for you these past few years what about your children in all this?. Is his alcoholism and your reactions to it both spoken and unspoken going to be the cornerstone of their childhoods?. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?. This is certainly no legacy to be leaving them.

2 things are happening here. He doesn't want to have sex. You want to have sex. Deal with those. It doesn't matter if it's 'because he's a man' or 'because he drinks' or 'because you're frustrated' etc. Stop excusing things because they are due to something else.

You have a difference in requirements. Do you like the way he's dealing with it? Do you like the way you're dealing with it?

How long has DH been sober for ? I know someone in recovery who described himself as being "Stark Raving Sober" for at least the first year of not drinking.

My comment won't be coming from the perspective of alcoholism so may not be relevant.

But this So I said to him, so you’re punishing me for the past isn't fair.

When someone has made a person feel unattractive or inadequate sexually or made them doubt themselves, it can be impossible to resume sex with that person.

It doesn't mean there is no sexual desire at all for anyone amd it isn't related to attraction tp that person but that, on a subconscious level, the body will shut down. There may never be sexual desire or an ability to be intimate with that person again.

This is particularly relevant when a person has experienced trauma.

It's not a choice.

Nothing as rude or hurtful as that, I remember him just stopping and saying I look frustrated. I wasn’t at all, but he took my expression in that way, maybe it was as an excuse? He then got angry and I became tearful and tried to apologise to no avail, I remember that was the last time, hence me feeling like I’m being punished. I have read every book, sought counselling for myself, I’m constantly searching for ways to understand his needs and our relationship. I have kind of had to watch my words carefully as previously, just like today, he will remember and use against me.

I’m far from perfect as I worry and fuss a lot according to him and DC but always from a place of hope and concern.

I do believe he may have trauma but I have experienced a lot of trauma from his behaviour. I am not sure if it’s me or him who is a narc as I feel that is what he was trying to say today.

As I’ve just said, I do not nag or whine, well not as much as I used to! I have actually become quite withdrawn over the years, as if I say anything I get accused of being a monster. We’d had a lovely day, out for a meal yesterday and I thought there may be a reconnection so I wanted to explore and see if sex talk could be discussed this morning. I was wrong and I’ve been left feeling quite hurt by his words and his rejection of me!

Thank you, your history sounds like what I’m dealing with currently.

I hate being called a nag or whiner!

Why does either of you have to be a 'narc'?

Can't you just be two people with differing needs who've reached the end of the road? Why does either of you have to be the 'bad guy'?