I feel like an unattractive monster to DH

[Plainmain]

DH is in recovery programme for alcholics. Meets his sponsor weekly. It’s been a very tough few years. Zero intimacy due to his drinking and I’ve been patient as much as I could be on that front. I’ve put up with a lot over the years with his behaviour.

This morning I gently broached the subject again about us restarting sex. Basically he said he just doesn’t want to. Me being a nagging partner, I tried to understand why he doesn’t want to and when will be the right time when he finally feels ready.

What followed was a barrage of telling me for years I’ve made him feel like a failure, when we’ve had past sex I’ve made him feel inadequate and I’ve been critical. I can only think of one occasion where I was frustrated, but I’ve always tried to be patient and understanding. So I said to him, so you’re punishing me for the past. Then I got shouted at again, that I was self absorbed, the world doesn’t revolve around me. It’s his issue and not mine. So I just turned away, quite tearful. What felt like an eternity of silence resulted in him apologising. That he recognised his words were hurtful. I asked him again (believe me I’m a tryer) if he can currently feel sexually stimulated by porn, tiktok videos of scantily clad girls in bikinis, why does he think he can’t start to connect with me like that. He then said he wasn’t sure, it’s far complex than this.

I have felt so sad and rejected since this mornings conversation, he’s tried to make up bringing me breakfast but I feel so unattractive and unworthy. Like my nagging and constant begging for attention has made him dig his heels in more. I feel very much to blame for our lack of sex. I must not ask again until he feels ready, he said he thinks counselling may help us but he’s not sure.

I know I’ve written a lot and I hope it makes sense but what would you do in this situation? Is counselling going to work? Should I leave? I feel quite anxious about ending things as my confidence is and has already been shattered lots of times. We have children too.

I’m not sure what to make of this. Can anyone help, I’m heading out shopping but I hope Mumsnet has some insights to help me as I’m feeling really down about this.

This sounds horribly familiar to me and you have all my sympathy. I supported my DH for many years through alcoholism and several rehabs and attempts to stay sober. Eventually he managed it but then told me he no longer loved me and found me physically repulsive. The last comment was incredibly damaging for me and affected my self confidence very badly. It took me years to understand that it was not about me but about his inability to cope with any kind of emotional intimacy, which good sex needs, and that it was easier for him to blame me for his inability than to deal with his own issues. We split up soon after this. Needless to say, he has not managed to maintain a relationship with anyone since. I wish so much now that I had left him years before and had not allowed his problems to damage me, but we had children so it was not that straightforward. My strong advice would be to get out sooner rather than later. Damaged people inflict a lot of damage on others and you deserve better.

Sounds like you and flogging a dead horse. He also sounds like he is punishing you, I would find this intolerable

'Should I leave'
I'm not sure what you're staying for. You've stuck with this guy though thick and thin for better for worse etc pushed all of your own needs aside and he treats you like his emotional punch bag.

Even if it's true (highly unlikely) that you're an unattractive beast, there really really will be men out there willing to have sex with you. I think you've been very understanding for long enough and your DH just doesn't seem willing or able to care about you and your feelings and I can't see that changing soon, can you, given his attitude?

I would get counseling for yourself to build up your confidence whether you decide to leave him now or later.

TLDR - LTB and get therapy for yourself xx

Ps if you're scared about leaving you can always have a conversation about opening the relationship up and you looking elsewhere... a bit of competition might work well or you might get yourself permission to have a nice fling without guilt or having to do the admin of a break up yet

@Plainmain it is perfectly reasonable to want to have sex with your DP especially after it’s been a long time and you thought you were reconnecting. Don’t listen to those calling you a sex pest! Sex is part of a healthy relationship and I am truly sorry you are feeling this sad after being though an already tough time. I have no other advice than for you to be kind to yourself xxxx

He’s not like any man I’ve known. They have all been able to articulate and demonstrate emotions. He sounds quite unpleasant to me and it’s not a relationship I’d be wanting to stay in.

He has cast you in the role of ‘nag’, which has probably stemmed from his addiction, presumably you were asking him to sort his drinking out and participate in family life.
He will need to acknowledge this and see if it is a mindset he can change, if you want to stay in the marriage that is

How long's he been sober for?

Nearly a year sober. Thank you for all your comments, he’s been quiet and sheepish over dinner. I think he wants to portray himself as the victim when he has made me feel shit and said cruel words.

I’m not sure what he discusses with his sponsor but they are not a counsellor. He doesn’t discuss those meetings with me, I totally get that. I just am fed up receiving breadcrumbs and the bare minimal attention. It’s not just about the sex, it’s feeling ignored and not feeling like I have a fully attentive partner. I get that this takes time post recovery, but I have been made out to be a monster and now an undesirable one.

I think you both might be better living apart for a good long while. Say 6 months at least. Then re-evaluate.

Take the daily blame out of the picture. Personally having lived with and divorced an alcoholic you are a braver woman than me. He nearly destroyed me. I was 6 years celibate after just 4 years of him.

His life is a pile of shit now but he's only got himself to blame. He has thrown everything away. He lost parental responsibility, he's attacked everyone in his family and cannot see the common element in all his misery is himself.

So you putting up with his shit over the years has got you what exactly. It sounds like you put all his problems down to alcohol and he’s showing you that alcohol was a convenient decoy for a selfish and entitled man.

This is what happens when you prioritise someone who treats you like an option. This isn’t a partnership. The balls in your court, this is who he is.

Sounds to me like you're only good enough to support him when he needs it but he doesn't actually want you or care about you anymore. He just needs you and what you do for him.

I'm gonna bet that you're gonna commit years and years of your life to helping him, he'll get clean and not need you anymore and move on to someone else.

Sorry OP, but the way he spoke to you is just vile. You don't deserve that.

I’m once again realising I’m not a considered option. It really hurts thinking about how our marriage has turned from joyful and fun to recovering from the effects of his alcoholism and sadness we both feel about each other. I think he is probably scared to end things and has been waiting for me to sort this out. I think you’re right @Saymyname28

They don't....but hes a selfish dickhead whos used to OP putting in the hard work and gets arsey when he has to contribute. Its minimising OP so he can get away with doing faff all.

Op when is th last time you had sex?

as I’m not sure I’m aligned with all these punitive answers ie its revenge he doesn’t love you etc. it is more complex, he’s right, when sex stops and for some considerable time, it can become a huge mental obstacle to over come. An awkward ness appears. And it’s not really as simple as if he can get turned on he should want to have sex with you.

there are ways to bring sex back but it takes time and patience, slow touching, carressing, take sex off the table kind of thing. Kissing, intimacy. And build up.

id ask you to really consider the scorched earth your marriage is over responded with a pinch of salt. And consider you’ve both been through a hard time, it takes time to reconnect and to do that, is something that often requires no pressure, just baby steps.

Sounds like he is mind numbing ( his) because of ( as you say,) old trauma.
Alcohol to numb and then porn, also to numb. The porn is possibly less about sex than it is about not having to think .
Or the gratification of getting a quick fix without having to make any effort with a relationship.
You have been extremely patient. You are not a nag , without sex you’re more house mates than a couple. Stop asking and tell him you no longer want to be in a loveless relationship. Also tell him if he wants to remain in the relationship you will no longer put up with his porn .
People will treat you how you show them to .
Show him you deserve and demand ( yes really) better . Then go out and buy yourself something fabulous to remind yourself that you are worth it .