I feel like an unattractive monster to DH

[Plainmain]

DH is in recovery programme for alcholics. Meets his sponsor weekly. It’s been a very tough few years. Zero intimacy due to his drinking and I’ve been patient as much as I could be on that front. I’ve put up with a lot over the years with his behaviour.

This morning I gently broached the subject again about us restarting sex. Basically he said he just doesn’t want to. Me being a nagging partner, I tried to understand why he doesn’t want to and when will be the right time when he finally feels ready.

What followed was a barrage of telling me for years I’ve made him feel like a failure, when we’ve had past sex I’ve made him feel inadequate and I’ve been critical. I can only think of one occasion where I was frustrated, but I’ve always tried to be patient and understanding. So I said to him, so you’re punishing me for the past. Then I got shouted at again, that I was self absorbed, the world doesn’t revolve around me. It’s his issue and not mine. So I just turned away, quite tearful. What felt like an eternity of silence resulted in him apologising. That he recognised his words were hurtful. I asked him again (believe me I’m a tryer) if he can currently feel sexually stimulated by porn, tiktok videos of scantily clad girls in bikinis, why does he think he can’t start to connect with me like that. He then said he wasn’t sure, it’s far complex than this.

I have felt so sad and rejected since this mornings conversation, he’s tried to make up bringing me breakfast but I feel so unattractive and unworthy. Like my nagging and constant begging for attention has made him dig his heels in more. I feel very much to blame for our lack of sex. I must not ask again until he feels ready, he said he thinks counselling may help us but he’s not sure.

I know I’ve written a lot and I hope it makes sense but what would you do in this situation? Is counselling going to work? Should I leave? I feel quite anxious about ending things as my confidence is and has already been shattered lots of times. We have children too.

I’m not sure what to make of this. Can anyone help, I’m heading out shopping but I hope Mumsnet has some insights to help me as I’m feeling really down about this.

I got told I was narcissistic by him when he was upset with me. Again I’m not keen on the label

What about your children here in all this?. It’s not doing them any favours to see their alcoholic father emotionally bash their mother all the time.

It does sound like communication is an issue.

He has stated that you have made him feel inadequate sexually. That kind of thing is very hard to get past.

It's not as simple as just apologising. If he thinks that you are every second judging his performance then sex just isn't going to work.

That's not him punishing you, that's just a natural consequence of how he feels.

The fact that you accused him of punishing you by withholding sex suggests that the relationship dynamics are not good. He doesn't owe you sex, and he's given a good reason why he doesn't want it.

You now need to decide what you are going to do.

I don’t second judge him with sex, we’ve not had it in a long time for me to judge😒

You are right about communication being an issue, how do you communicate with someone who is defensive if you raise any issues or concerns?

I think he resents you for taking issue with his drinking and he's finally found a stick big enough to beat you with. I think this is all about revenge.

I can honestly say there is nothing worse than being badgered for sex when you don’t want it. Drink or no drink. You cannot make someone want to have sex with you. You cannot nag them, beg them, guilt them or insist on “sex talks”. I was at the receiving end of this and It’s soul destroying. If I wanted to have sex I would. There is no switch on the back of my neck that I can flick on and suddenly be up for it.
If someone made me feel inadequate during sex I would be put off even more.

He is not punishing you! He doesn’t want to have sex and only you can decide if that is a dealbreaker or not. At the end of the day if sexual feelings are not there, they are not there.

I ended up leaving because I couldn’t take the constant hounding and talks and begging. I couldn’t change how my body works and reacts. I understand it wasn’t fair on him either as he did want sex.

We are both now in different relationships and happy. I want to have sex with the person I am with and my body reacts positively and he is happy with the lady he met.

I couldn’t never understand how he still wanted to have sex with me when he knew I didn’t want to. If someone didn’t want to have sex with me I would never keep bringing it up and asking and then go through with it knowing the other person wasn’t into it.

I have worked with recovering alcoholics, in both a supportive role and counselling capacity, so I am coming from that direction. But I also totally understand where you're coming from, with regards to the lack of sex.
99% of the alcoholics I have worked with, have very deep feelings of guilt and failure. And this seeps into absolutely everything.
Your own admission of fussing and nagging, will feel overwhelming to him. And the frustration comment was sadly unfortunate. He caught a brief moment in time on your face, albeit mistakenly and it has been misinterpreted by him that he wasn't good enough. Again, back to feeling like a failure.
(You haven't said how far into recovery he is, if you have, I've missed that and I apologise). But regardless of that really, he is still internally dealing with his own emotions. And those can be very hard to face and admit to.
The porn will be a way of release without pressure from anyone. I don't hold with the fact that he's replaced real life sex with porn, he's using it because there is no pressure, no miscommunication etc. It's a case of job done as far as he's concerned.
It's clear that he does love you. He apologised and tried to make up for his hurtful response. He obviously knows it's an issue and that will be piling more pressure on him in his mind.
If I were you, from here on in, I'd still be caring, loving and supportive, but from a little bit more of a distance, so that it eases the pressure on both of you and gives him a little space to start thinking about things.
Alcoholism is treated by many as having stemmed from a life choice. "It's their own fault". In the majority of cases, it isn't at all. Something has triggered that addiction and once that is is properly explored and dealt with, then other issues that have come from it, can be dealt with.
The main question is do you love him enough to try work towards repairing this? Would you at least try counselling before throwing the towel in, so to speak. It sounds very much like he's unsure, but up for trying, that is something at least. And it shows to me that he's prepared to try.
I'm sorry for the length of this post, but it's all to easy for people to throw opinions in that he's unkind and doesn't care about you. And again, that comes from people labelling alcoholics as totally selfish. I don't deny that they are, but alcohol issues run much deeper than that.
I'm wishing you lots of luck and hope you can see a way forward to resolve this 💐

Very well said.

Kindly OP, why are you still twisting yourself like a pretzel for this man? I would bet good money you've been trying to understand him/his addiction, walking on eggshells and 'managing' his behaviour for years, bloody cheek of him accusing you of thinking the world revolves around you when you and I both know the complete opposite is true!

He's made everything about him and you've become so focused on trying to understand and anticipate his needs that he's forgotten that you have needs too, when was the last time you felt he made any effort to listen to you or suggest anything to improve your relationship? I'm betting never, so why are you still slogging away trying to make it work?

Not fussing or nagging for sex. This is the first time in a long time I’ve asked as it has not existed whilst he’s in the twelve steps programme.

I’m most certainly not a sex pest @Icantbedoingwithit . If my posts seem that way I’ve been misinterpretted, I am just asking for affection that has been lacking for quite a few years. I thought today might have been a chance to explore something that has been an elephant in the room for a long time.

I have been supportive all through his drinking and now recovery.

I’m really not sure he does love me you know, his anger was very present this morning.

I have not nagged and hassled him over sex, the nagging is around daily tasks and family stuff. I am quite hurt you think I’m being predatory as that is something so way off guard that you’re saying about me.

OP that sounds awful.
If he can't see what you've given up after you've supported him and stood by him for years and he still can't be intimate, I'd say there's not really anymore you can do.
Why sacrifice more years with unhappiness?

I understand that. But people will give affection if they want to. Sounds like he doesn’t want to. You cannot force affection. It is either there and willingly given or it is not.

I do understand the elephant in the room though. It’s awkward for both parties. I used to hate it being brought up because I knew I couldn’t do anything to change it.

Exactly, I don’t think he is ready to admit he just doesn’t love me. I think I got close to him saying this today but his guilt set in.

Thank you for your feedback, I’m definitely not hassling or demanding in that way from him. I am painfully accepting that my marriage has run its course if he has this perception of me.

Thank you, I feel very down about it all. I’m also seeing once again I have to take the steps to leave. I am not sure counselling can work if the sexual connection is not there for him and he has the wrong impression of me and my needs. I’m also worried I could derail his recovery.

That’s what I’m asking myself continually. I’m so unhappy and upset still by his words.

You deserve so much more than an angry alcoholic who blames you for his lack of sex drive. If any of your friends was in this situation I'm sure you'd advise and support them to leave. I hope you can find that support yourself.

I am sorry OP. It could he does really love you but not in a sexual way or he is just not into sex. I probably would have stated if my partner had not kept hassling me about it but that would have Been the wrong thing to do. I could have lived without it but he couldn’t. It would have been wrong for both of us. Life is too short to be unhappy.

Another thing I WILL say though. I took any form of affection as implied sex even though maybe sometimes it wasn’t. I found it hard to accept it in case he wanted more and I could not deliver. I became very unapproachable and stand offish because I tried to avoid the “talk” or the hurt feelings and anger on his part. It’s very hard on both parties.

Very true, thank you for your advice

Withdrawal from sex an intimacy is the ultimate form of control, to then be faced with
his anger, isn’t ok
it sounds as if he’s slowly picked away at you self confidence .
often with alcoholics there’s a rage and regret cycle.
sounds as if he my also have narcissistic personality
write a list of what you need and deserve !!!
and behaviours that that leaves you feeling small unheard and ultimately unattractive
its his journey, and sounds like you need to put your boundaries in place and save yourself from years more of distress

Withdrawal from sex an intimacy is the ultimate form of control

No it is not. I never felt less in control when my partner wanted sex and I just couldn’t. There is no control in that. I wished I could but I couldn’t and I couldn’t fix it.

Cut & run, op.

I think this relationship has run its course and you deserve so much better than this.

Time to put yourself first, recover your self-esteem and live your life.