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Relationships

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Original poster

Who would have an affair if they knew they wouldn't get caught?

70 replies

Lil · 03/12/2002 13:44

Just read SanB's Heartfelt mail on having an affair, and read her getting 'told off'. Yes no-one would deny the kids should come first, but if you KNEW you wouldn't get caught.. who would go for it?

I'll be honest, I know I would.

OP posts:

sanb · 03/12/2002 13:52

Well I suppose its fitting that I am the first to respond having just gone through this. I have to say that even though I am hurting I don't think I would change a thing but I would definitely think twice about doing it again.

I have come to realise that affairs are really a symptom of behind the scenes problems in a marriage and normally those problems lie with the cheating half of the relationship.

Another thing is that there is a definite line between having a fling and having a full on affair. I thought we were having an affair and he thought we were having a fling. I now know I did have real feelings for this guy but they weren't reciprocated. My advice to anybody considering it would be to get out before you get hurt or found out!

What a wicked web...... and all of that...

SanB

Bobbins · 03/12/2002 13:55

Be careful Lil. I think you might be in for a bashing.

I wouldn't have done, but then I'd forgotten how invigorating a new partner could be, and what a boost he can be to a sagging ego. Since my partner left it has been wonderful to rediscover. Even though I fancied the A* of my ex for at the least the first two to three years, the sparks had definitely died down for both of us.

Bobbins · 03/12/2002 13:57

I think if either party is thinking of having an affair its a pretty damning reflection on the original relationship.

Life is not a fantasy of fact or lies, its just the patterns that you weave with them while you're alive.

sis · 03/12/2002 14:11

I think I am too simple and could only cope with one at a time so I would have to end our marriage before I could move onto someone else, so the answer is no.

Original poster

Lil · 03/12/2002 14:14

but isn't it sad to think that you will never get that buzz of a new relationship ever again -although I certainly don't want to be single again. Exactly that boost you talk about Bobbins.. most people agree the spark goes in a long relationship, and you might have a happy sex life, but the first flush is gone forever. I can see the attraction of an affair, as oyur hormones go racing again. But that's thousands of miles away from actually doing anything.

Don't the French all have wives and mistresses? Do the wives all have lovers though?

OP posts:

Bobbins · 03/12/2002 14:43

It would obviously come down to your conscience. I think its a big risk to take, for all the reasons given on the 'shoes on the other foot' thread.

It is sad to think thats IT as far as buzziness goes in a long term relationship. But you have to balance the comfort and safety and friendship that you should have and risk losing, against that intitial buzz short term. If the buzz almost inevitably goes perhaps the only other possibility is serial monogamy.

Bozza · 03/12/2002 14:45

They must all have lovers Lil because otherwise where would the men get the mistresses from?

WideWebWitch · 03/12/2002 14:47

No, I wouldn't. I love and am in love with dp and completely fancy him - I know no-one else would come close.

aloha · 03/12/2002 14:49

I don't have the energy. Or the time. Or the wardrobe.

Bobbins · 03/12/2002 14:53

well I'm youngish, free and semi single, so I intend to try a bit of the serial monogamy. Don't want anything too serious, because last partner had the shoe on the original foot and I was well and truly cuckolded (or female equivalent...is there one?) I could tell straight away he'd been unfaithful and that was it as far as I was concerned.

Bobbins · 03/12/2002 14:56

But then knowing me I'll probably fall more and more for the new man that's meant to be transitional, and end up getting stuck and hurt yet AGAIN.

threeangels · 03/12/2002 15:08

My wedding vows mean a great deal for me. I as a person cherish my marriage and couldnt even think about an affair. If my marriage was going to end because of something uncontrollable Id be sure to dissolve it first before I became known as an unfaithful wife to anyone or even myself alone. Id hate that title.

threeangels · 03/12/2002 15:09

Hope my post doesnt sound rude. Just read it and it kind of comes off as that. Not meaning it to be.

susanmt · 03/12/2002 15:25

I couldn't. I just wouldn't be able to keep it secret, I am such a bad liar.
I know the first 'buzz' has gone (hey, we've been together for nearly 13 years, and married for almost 8) but when I think of all the things I would have to give up, just to get the 'buzz' again, I wouldn't do it. Even after all this time I am still totally in love and loved by dh, and I can't imagine it won't always be like this.

star · 03/12/2002 16:35

Whatever happened to good old fashioned guilt? You'd have to be pretty hard to not want to confess all to your partner.

Bugsy · 03/12/2002 16:48

I don't think I would. Its an awful thing to admit, but I could certainly cover my tracks if I wanted and I wouldn't get found out - but I would struggle to look in the mirror each morning and find anything attractive in my face. In my heart I would know that I had done something I had promised publicly not to do and I'd feel very ill at ease with myself.
That is not a condemnation of others as sometimes situations get very difficult and life is never black and white but that is how I'd feel as of 3/12/02!

Original poster

Lil · 03/12/2002 16:59

Statistics show that a high % of married men have affairs. But according to these threads very few women would cheat on their husbands.

This doesn't add up (biologically speaking!. Does that mean married men tend to have affairs with single women, not married ones?

OP posts:

aloha · 03/12/2002 17:02

I think they do. And some single women seem to make a habit of having affairs with married men. I know of at least two women who have recently come out of affairs with married men. Both are single. Actually, everyone I've known who had an affair with a married man was single.

Original poster

Lil · 03/12/2002 17:03

Bugsy, your dh might wonder if something was up because your housework would suffer!

OP posts:

bells2 · 03/12/2002 17:44

I know there would be absolutely no chance of me getting caught as my dh notices very little (eg was the only person not to notice that I lost a stone and a half for our wedding) and believes absolutely every thing I say (something I often use for mischievous effect).

I would never do so though because apart from loving him very much, my marriage vows are important to me. Over and above that though, without wishing to sound sanctimonious or judgemental of anyone else, I just don't want to do anything that I would be ashamed if my children knew about it. Aside from that, I really couldn't be bothered.

SoupDragon · 03/12/2002 17:48

Where would I find the time??

ks · 03/12/2002 17:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ks · 03/12/2002 17:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

spacemonkey · 03/12/2002 18:38

i've done it twice in the past for same reasons as ks, and i would never do it again. it is hard to live with yourself for one thing, and now i very much believe in doing as you would be done by!

Tinker · 03/12/2002 19:13

I think a lot depends upon your age and whether you are married or not. I was unfaithful a lot to one boyfriend whom I did love but just felt that I had met him too early. However, didn't have the courage to be honest and break up with and didn't want to either because no else came close to him in terms of compatibilty etc.

But now I am older, with a child, I agree with Bells, I wouldn't want to do anything that she may want to despise me for if she found out. Plus, for me (no judgement upon anyone else at all because I have misbehaved very badly in the past) I think (I hope anyway) that I have just grown out of it. I don't feel I have missed out on anything, I have had enough experience(!) to know what is worth hanging on to and what is superficial and just massaging my ego.

This could all be because I met someone fab 5 months ago and couldn't begin to imagine being unfaithful to him. Don't want to and couldn't be a*** really. Just don't want to jeopardise it.

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