Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Who would have an affair if they knew they wouldn't get caught?

70 replies

Lil · 03/12/2002 13:44

Just read SanB's Heartfelt mail on having an affair, and read her getting 'told off'. Yes no-one would deny the kids should come first, but if you KNEW you wouldn't get caught.. who would go for it?

I'll be honest, I know I would.

OP posts:
genia · 03/12/2002 19:53

I can't imagine being unfaithful and wouldn't want to be but I have to say that since having ds I understand a lot more why people do it. Imagine escaping the environment where you feel trapped sometimes (with a one year old), where people are concentrating mainly on your baby (partner included it sometimes feels like) and where noboby seems to be particularly bowled over by you... for something where the other person really sees you as the individual you are rather than mother, carer or person who doesn't tidy up after herself enough.....

sobernow · 03/12/2002 20:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tortington · 03/12/2002 23:49

before i travelled to london for the mumsnet meet my daughter aged 9 and i were having a similar conversation( weird i know) but she was saying i couldnt go kissing other men cos dad would find out - i told her not necessarily so that i am going away over night and dad would never know but it all came down to trust and the fact that i love her dad so much that i wouldnt do it. still that doesnt stop me from wanting to have sex with someone who has a washboard stomach, tangly hair and who is 19 yrs old before i die - but i wont, i will keep it in my head

Eulalia · 04/12/2002 00:05

Have done in the past ... and knew I wouldn't get caught... was totally safe... and yes it was fun. However since getting married I've been totally faithfull and intend to remain that way. I think marrying late helped as I got all that out of my system beforehand.

Ghosty · 04/12/2002 06:10

I don't think that I could ... and want to stay married. If I wanted to have an affair I think it could only mean that I don't love my DH anymore ... to me it would indicate that my marriage was over.

Azure · 04/12/2002 09:10

No I wouldn't and I hope DH wouldn't either. I also must be one of the only people who used to really hate the beginning of a relationship - the feelings of uncertainty and self-consciousness used to completely outway any buzz.

bloss · 04/12/2002 09:47

Message withdrawn

florenceuk · 04/12/2002 11:42

I reckon most men, if they were absolutely sure they wouldn't get caught, would have an affair. I'd bet a large proportion of men spend (too much) time fantasizing about sex with different women (at least, the men I've known have!) - it's like breathing to them. But do most women do the same? I would have said not, but then again not something I've surveyed!

Original poster
Lil · 04/12/2002 12:04

Florence, I was thinking the same thing. This thread really highlites the difference between men and women doesn't it. The women would not have an affair, even if they would never be caught, but the men, we're sure would. Being serious for a minute, does that mean which of the following:

  1. women suffer from the G word more (guilt!)than men?
  2. once women get married and have kids their sex drive is out of the window
  3. women take their vows more seriously
  4. women are brought up to be more 'obedient'.

The gap between men and women is as big as it has always been!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lil · 04/12/2002 12:05

or 5) women would rather log on to flylady!!!

OP posts:
florenceuk · 04/12/2002 12:22

Isn't it because for men, sex is usually just sex, but for us it isn't? And therefore, men know that if they had meaningless sex and were caught, they'd feel bad, because you felt bad - but on its own, the sex by itself isn't much to do with any emotional connection and a lot to do with physical pleasure. Now, everyone will probably write and say how great their DP is - but if I'm honest, I would think DH would quite happily have meaningless sex if he were absolutely, never ever caught (and I'd kill him when I found out!)

tigermoth · 04/12/2002 13:32

I agree men have the monopoly (but not the exclusive rights) on meaningless sex. Sooo.... if for women an affair is more a mind thing - the flatterey, attention, novelty, etc - are you just as guilty of being unfaithful if you spend husband time on day dreaming about mr other, whether it's robbie williams or your husband's younger brother?

I cannot think of an argument that logically lets the day dreamer one off the hook. OK, you are not being physically unfaithful, but you are being mentally unfaithful. You are still neglecting your relationship, ignoring your marriage vows, and, presumably, you would not want your children to find out.

So, playing devil's advocate, assuming you have been mentally unfaithful on the sly many times in your marriage, why is it such a big step being physically unfaithful too, as long as you are not found out?

It could even be argued that having a ongoing, secret affair with someone (that stops at this by mutual agreement) frees you from spending vast amounts of time yearning for them. Three hours once a month being physically unfaithful as opposed to three hours a day being mentally unfaithful.

On the other hand, if you agree that any unfaithfulness is wrong, then should you make a real effort to stop yourself thinking about other men?

Bobbins · 04/12/2002 13:36

"husband's younger brother" eh tigermoth...careful

tigermoth · 04/12/2002 13:49

careful is my middle name - he hasn't got one!

Bobbins · 04/12/2002 13:52

OK, just checking. You can go.

star · 04/12/2002 14:49

I'm always being unfaithful to dh and he doesn't care...then I wake up and have to take the kids to school.I get really vivid dreams where I get off with other men.It's usually famous men,once it was Mark Knopfler and I don't even fancy him.I know I'm being quite honest here.I can't choose what I dream about can I?But I think it's part of human nature to look at others and am sure dh does it too.I'm not the least bit jealous by nature and it wouldn't bother me,even if he flirted a bit with someone.I think it keeps a relationship healthy in a way.You just can't repress these things there's no point in feeling guilty about it.But the difference is if it's taken a step further.It's a respect thing.You can't really have much respect for a partner if you go off with someone else.All the things we had gone through together would be wiped out in a second if one of us had an affair.Although saying that I might forgive him if he did,it would depend on things at the time.

Original poster
Lil · 04/12/2002 15:26

Interesting Tigermoth, following this logic thru, maybe we should ask who on this thread 'daydreams' about having an affair. Do you think daydreaming means you are less likely to have an affair because you have an outlet? or more likely because you have already moved away from thinking of dp as the one and only?

Come on all yea faithful,joyful and ...daydreams anyone?

OP posts:
Bobbins · 04/12/2002 15:33

I'm sorry to say that I am perfectly capable of extremely meaningless sex and daydreaming about it. But I've never been unfaithful.

As for the content of my daydreams...perhaps we better not go there

Bobbins · 04/12/2002 15:34

Unfaithful in my mind...VERY

Chinchilla · 04/12/2002 21:33

Oh God, what is wrong with a minor fantasy about another man? It doesn't mean that you'd do anything. I for one often fantasize about other men, known or faceless, but would only have sex with dh. When I married, I meant my vows, and do not wish to change that. HOWEVER, as long as the fantasy does not make you dissatisfied with your current life, what is the problem???

In my dreams (which are obviously not consciously controlled) I have had amazing sex with one man that I used to work with, although I would never actually commit the act. I have also had great dream sex with dh, which left me feeling more sexy towards him. I have absolutely no doubt that he fantasises about Britney and Kylie, which, apart from raising taste issues and comparisons to my wobbly tum, causes me no worries. I would much rather that he fantasised in the home than went outside to practice IYKWIM!

ks · 04/12/2002 21:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

robinw · 04/12/2002 22:56

message withdrawn

Rhubarb · 04/12/2002 23:17

Ooooooooh! As one of those who 'had a go' at Sanb I just have to contribute don't I??? Sorry Sanb by the way, but your original question was how to stop seeing him and I hope I gave you plenty of reasons for that! Sorry to hear you got hurt though, that is never nice.

I have been tempted in the past (I have to hurry this one has he's just come in). His and mine sex drives are a bit different and I do get chatted up when I'm out without him. But after I snogged a bloke, the guilt was horrendous and I did tell him straight away. He was very hurt indeed, his past girlfriends have cheated on him and his mum had an affair, so it goes deep with him. But like Threeangels, I take my marriage vows very seriously indeed and if I thought I were the type of person to sneak behind his back then I wouldn't have got married. After all, isn't that what affairs are all about? Sneaking behind a person's back and lying? You wouldn't do that to your best mate so why do it to your (supposed) loved one? Plus I know how I would feel if he did it to me, even if he only snogged someone like I did, I would be gutted.

So the answer is no! But however I do think it's ok to flirt, to give yourself a boost. And if you want to liven up your marriage, do what my BEST MATE once said, flirt like mad with your dh/dp whilst on your period, get them really in the mood, by the time you come off your period they'll be gagging for it and just in the mood for a quiet romantic evening!

chiarasmom · 05/12/2002 01:52

No way, Jose. I couldn't live with myself. I'd get a divorce before I cheated - even if I could get away with it. Actually, right now (8 months post-baby), I would rather be alone with dd rather than be out having an affair.

Ghosty · 05/12/2002 07:28

I agree with Chinchilla ... nothing wrong with daydreaming and 'fancying the pants off' other blokes ... I do both, but I wouldn't have an affair (ie sneaky meetings, secret shags, illicit phone calls etc) while I still love my DH ...