Who would have an affair if they knew they wouldn't get caught?

[Lil]

Just read SanB's Heartfelt mail on having an affair, and read her getting 'told off'. Yes no-one would deny the kids should come first, but if you KNEW you wouldn't get caught.. who would go for it?

I'll be honest, I know I would.

When I was engaged, I got involved with someone else (who was also engaged). It started out as fun, then I got more emotionally attached, he was only interested in fun, so I put an end to the emotion but carried on with the rest (IYKWIM). Then I decided to end it, the 'relationship' had run its course in my mind, however, he then decided he was emotionally involved with me!! Luckily I managed to put a huge distance between us so it ended. I went on to marry dh and have remained faithful since. The other man ditched his fiancee, is now with a woman he met at the same time as I ended the relationship and they have twins! I think it's very hard to not become emotionally involved and I admit that I do think about him sometimes but deep down, I knew the relationship would not have lasted. If he could cheat with me, he would be more likely to cheat on me. I also agree that you get more complacent as time goes on and other people close to the whole situation all knew what was going on .. sooner or later a decision has to be made one way or the other .. I'm glad I took the decision I did, however I don't regret what I did. What I do regret is not basing my entire relationship with dh on trust.

Rhubarb I think that tip works really well actually.

The "buzz of a new relationship" has been mentioned a few times as a temptation towards having an affair - frankly since marriage and children I find that about as tempting as the buzz of injecting a shot of heroin. Can't see myself ever doing either, for lots of good reasons that have already been posted by Bells, Eulalia, sis, www, 3angels and others. Tigermoth, I rather agree with your comments about fantisizing, and admire your carefulness!

robinw, I agree with you! I'm sure my d.h. would have an affair (or if not an emotional entanglement, at least have extra-marital sex) if he KNEW he wouldn't get caught. I think you are right about the admiration/hero worship. He know I love him deeply, but he also knows I know him as well as he knows himself and have seen him at his worst as well as at his best.

I am, however, very suspicious by nature and would find out quite quickly. Ironically, he wouldn't have a clue if I was unfaithful, not that I have any inclinations or energy in that dept. I am ashamed to say I am an extremely good liar!

So how do we know you are telling the truth when you say you wouldn't cheat on him Oxocube?

Just a note as I have to collect Kids No 2 and 3 from school! Where does anyone get time to even think about having an affair!!Ok, I've got my own business and four kids but my idea of heaven nowadays is a glass (ok a bottle of wine) and a decent night's sleep. Maybe it's just my age but I've been married twice and whether it's just me, but the wild passionate stuff lasts a couple of years at most and then it's back to normality.Does anyone else feel guilty, pressured etc to have sex when to be honest a couple of gorgeous guys could walk in stark naked and I's just ask them to wash up or something. By the way, I've even been to the docs (thinking what's wrong with me) had all the tests for low libido, blood pressure etc and was told I'm fine. If we sit down and talk, we go round in circles and don't get me wrong, dh is great (reasonably understanding) but looking at it from his ppoint of view, he's ready to burst! I do understand and feel like a complete blob, 'cos sex is the last thing on my mind, ever and at the end of a long, long list of things I have to do!During my first marriage (dh1 left me with a 12 week old baby, classic tale of best friend etc..) I even went to a sex therapist, who virtually told me that I should do it because it was selfish not to, which I already felt guilty enough about, so that didn't help! All the stuff in magazines about quality time, long hot baths together, massages etc feels totally false and yes, I do now have a lock on my bedroom door but if I ever locked it my dh would think that I'm @up@ for it and that feels false too! Does anyone else (I'm 42) by the way, feel like this? I really love dh, but we've always been really good friends as well as married and this is spoiling even that now, as there's an atmosphere nearly all the time. If I come up with the goods, well, even the kids notice Daddy's happy, whistlking and cooking breakfast and that makes me feel worse, 'cos he's getting really grumpy with them and it's not something you can really discuss with them! Waiting for answers, please!

Sorry people, had four year old talking at me for an hour and realised how awful my spelling is.Just off to collect kids and then all hell will break loose!

Jollymum, I can relate to what your saying even tho I am 36 and have only one child (8 mos old). I figured the libido would eventually come back, but it hasn't yet. dh wakes me up in the middle of the night, and I just basically go along with it - haven't enjoyed it since birth of dd, but don't really mind it. Sounds pathetic, I know, but I keep hoping things will turn around when I'm feeling more energetic, etc.

Leaving aside the emotional and libido aspects I personally cannot see how people with youngish children find the time to have affairs. I just can't get my head round the logistics of it.

I guess you don't Rhubarb, but as nobody really knows me here, there would be no point in lying!! I know myself, which is the important thing. There are so many more priorities in my life now than having another bloke to worry about/ think about, not to mention being too knackered, to contemplate an affair! Also, sex for me now is very different to when I was young and single. For a start, I am very much aware of being in my late thirties, my bits having rearranged themselves, esp the boobs!! Sex with d.h. is different: at least he can remember me before gravity and age took hold! Also, he knows many wicked fantasies which I would be a bit wary of sharing with another man!!!

Jollymum - I am just like you & owned up to this on a previous thread on marriage - & I don't even have 4 (just one!) kids & a business to organise!! I am just totally uninterested in sex & this does cause problems in our marriage so, quite frankly, I just lie back & think of England every now & then for a peaceful life!! Interested to read your comments about seeing the doctor & sex therapy etc - I vaguely thought about this but would be too hideously embarrassed!

An affair ? No thanks!

Thanks for replying - my dh does understand but when I say to him that all ladies I know seem to have the same problems, he just says that it's sad and that doesn't it make me wonder if it's just women and shouldn't we be doing something about it, instead of just accepting it as the norm. It seems a little drastic to have a new man every so often to revitalise the old sex life and like I said before, I reallly couldn't be bothered with all the chase. If and I mean if I go out with freinds, which is another thread, I get sick of being harrassed by leches, guys offering to buy drinks etc. I would feel really guilty getting free drinks off some guy who is probably married to a woman just like me! Can't complain about dh though, 'cos he's lovely and it's a case of like it or lump it between us, as he's seen the damage a failed relationship can do to kids and neither of us would like to go through a divorce. Maybe it's stress of Xmas, all the Xmas stuff at kids' schools, parties, Nativity Plays etc but hopefully at least we can stay being friends, "cos when the laughter is gone, there's nothing left. We were really good friends before we got married and I think that's what has got us through. By the way, if we have been away for a weekend, on an office do, which is very rare, I then get grief about the fact that I've disappeared into the bathroom for an hour with a book and a bottle of bubbly! What luxury! By the time the party's over and I'm ready for a little action, usually dh is comatose on the bed and wonders why I'm off with him in the moring, which is when I'm OK and longing to get back home to the kids, even though I'd gladly swap them for a puppy at the moment. Have to go, taking N0 3 to Girls Brigade. Wishing all of you a quiet night!

Chiarasmum/Jollysmum now I'm going to be totally honest here as to why I started this thread - I have had a complete loss of libido like you have descibed, after my last child (9 mos)right up to a couple of weeks ago. Then Wham, out of nowhere it came back!! All men seem a bit brighter and more interesting (including of course, hubby). I can't believe what a boost to the system feeling like this is. I've told hubby this, he's obviously well happy , but its just amazing how much we are in the grip of our hormones.

So no I wouldn't have an affair really, but its great to feel like I would want to after so long seeing sex as 'something that other people want'!

Am not trying to make you feel bad - quite the opposite, there is hope girls

tigermoth - I am not sure I follow your logic. Surely thinking about something cannot be as bad as actually doing it. I mean plenty people probably think about commiting a crime but never do it. I think it is healthy to think about some things and use that as an outlet rather than bottling up thoughts which may prove self destructive.

I don't have time for day dreams but I do dream a lot at night sometimes extremely vividly and some of the dreams are fantastic. A lot of them are swimming in a lovely pool, walking in a beautiful garden and so on... all very hedonistic and yes some of them are sexy and not involving dh! Usually just some stranger. I really don't think there is anything wrong with this.

I think men are able to compartmentalise their lives more. They have work, home and maybe affair. They can probably keep them apart emotionally. Women aren't able to do this to the same extent and unfortunately society tends to think of a woman having an affair as being neglectful of her children. Does anyone know if we have more/less affairs than we used to now we tend to not marry, live together, and if marry divorce more often?

Lil - maybe you are feeling broody? Check out thread on lax contraception. Sorry, I just learned this word "broody" and am using it a lot these days.

Hey, 4 yr old in bed, dd still out and older ones still fighting with me over homework and telling me to get off the internet! Having to cover up screen when ds No 1 (age 12 ) comes in! otherwise he'd be selling this website at school as women talking about you know what! Dh phoned. very fed up to say he has to go back to work, but has come all the way home to collect dd as I have had 2 glasses of wine and can't drive! It's nice to know I'm not the only one who feels like this, ( a complete failure as a wife, even though I run a home, business and four kids) and feel sorry for Dh as he really is a nice guy, although I really can't raise an interest (sorry about the pun, if there's any guys out there) about sex! Anyway, have to go 'cos there's loads of washing up to do, costumes to preapre for tomorrow and a remote to find, otherwise I'll spend the whole night watching rubbish!

Have a quiet night!

How can I have an A-Level in English and still spell this badly! I used to be a secretary as well! Sorry, PA, general dogsbody and proud owner of an MG until I got pregnant with DS No 1 and couldn't fit behind the wheel! Sorry, maybe I shouldn't drink any more wine?!! Night, Night!

God, I hope my libido never goes permanently! It disappeared until ds was 8 months, but then my periods came back, along with my sex drive! Unfortunately, dh's libido does not match mine. It has never been that high, but has all but disappeared since I have some weight to lose (approx 1 to 1.5 stone, I'm 5'3" and 9st 13lbs ish)

So, I would be the ideal candidate for an affair, but could never do it. That is why I HAVE to resort to fantasising, and probably why my dreams are so hot hot hot! I too love flirting when out without dh, what is the harm as long as you stress that you are married/taken? I don't accept drinks, or do anything remotely suggestive, but it is always a big ego boost to know that a man would love to take you somewhere and do lovely things to you! I NEVER give any man the idea that he would ever stand a chance, but the odd glance and smile or brief comment gives me a spring in my step that reminds me that I AM attractive, not just a mummy and wife (much as they are lovely things to be).

when I say day dreaming, eulalia, I am not talking about what goes on in your head when you are sleeping. Trying to control my subconscious is going a step too far

I do think day dreaming about a nice man has an advantage anyway - it can raise your libido - and that in turn is a boost for your dh - and you.

But what I was getting at was when day dreaming becomes obsessing. If you spend hours each day fantasising about the object of your desire, think about them when you are making love to your dh, this is no longer a harmless outlet for feelings - it is detrimental to your relationship. And arguably IF you can manage an affair, keep it secret, not expect more than the odd date, the other person in agreement, then your mind is a lot more free to concentrate on your dh.

Turning the tables, if I knew my dh was utterly obsessed with another woman, totally absent when he was around me, struggling with himself to not take it further, bad tempered, resentful, all the time, would this be less hurtful to me than if he had the odd secret rendevous with another woman, no other commitment, and gave all his attention to me when he was with me?

Personally I think it would the obession and resulting damage that would do our relationship, more than a physical fling that I'd find most hurtful.

didn't press preview - last sentence means I think I would find a physical fling less hurtful than lots of obsessing and no attention from my dh.

I only speak from my own experience of unfaithfulness, and this was not with my dh but with a former boyfriend.