Left out for being single

[TheDaisyChain1990]

Hello everyone (this is my first time on Mumsnet!)

I am in my 30s (will turn 34 in August) and feel quite left out because I am single and I wanted to see what your experience of this is. I live at home with my elderly dad (my family dynamic is very complicated).

I have kept a friendship with someone from school who I see every few weeks and me and her other three best friends will sometimes meet up together. They are all either married or have a partner and two of them have children.

With my friend from school I have noticed over the last few years that she never invites me to do social activities with her husband and children, only her, but with her other best friends she will. The only time I will see her husband is for her birthday meal and her children when she has birthday parties for them.

When I do see my friend, we do things like go for walks or meet up for lunch etc. so not just activities only single people can do.

Sometimes when she messages me, she will say that her and her husband have been out with one of her other best friends and their partner and both their sets of children or she has invited them over to her house for dinner. It was the birthday of one of her other best friends last week and last night she said they all went out for dinner together. When it is my birthday, it will only be her that comes out with me for a meal - last year her husband didn't even bother to say Happy Birthday to me. I usually message him to say Happy Birthday but this year I won't bother. On the rare occasion that I do see him, I am always nice and polite and ask him how he has been.

Interestingly, last year my friend had a go at one of her other best friends for suggesting that all four of them go out with their partners for a meal but that I shouldn't be invited as I am single - this girl has always seemed to have an issue with me, and I don't know why as I have only ever been nice to her. Even more interestingly, her husband said to her it wasn't nice the other girl did this. I don't know what to make of this - I think it is nice she stood up for me but I still feel left out in general.

When I saw my friend the other week, I dropped into the conversation that I hadn't seen her children so far this year. There was a long pause, followed by "I don't think you want to, they are really misbehaving right now!". Having said that her other best friends see them regularly.

I understand that our lifestyles are different and if they go out with other couples her husband has another man to talk to and her children have someone else to play with. However my opinion is a friend is a friend regardless of their marital status or whether or not they have children. I don't like confrontation and I wouldn't know how to approach this. My friend is quite a reactive person and I feel however gently I approach this she would take it the wrong way.

It is getting to the point where I feel angry and upset every time she drops in her messages about meeting up with her other best friends with her husband and children. Sometimes I don't feel like I even want to respond when I see a message like that. 😢

What are your experiences of this and how have you dealt with it? Thank you in advance and apologies for the lengthy post. 💜

Yes this is very common ime. I have friends who's partners are happy to socialise if I pop round and some who make theirselves scarce.
There's definitely been some friendships fall away as they would only ever socialise in couples. Doesn't really bother me as I'd find that boring. My parents generation do this and they always complain as they're left only talking to the the partner and they don't always necessarily have anything in common. Find yourself some fun single friends. Lots of meet up groups etc nowadays.

Thanks @Quethemusic . It is interesting how some partners of some friends react differently than others. An interesting point you make about people from some generations only being left with their partner as their friendships have ended due to this.

Hi OP, have you actually explicitly said you’d like to attend these things, or would be up for going?

Is it possibly just that they often don’t even think you would want to attend? Like if they are going out as families, so husbands & kids all in tow, to a park/softplay or wherever, might it be that they just genuinely think well OP wouldn’t fancy this? Or (rightly or wrongly) they just think of it as a families trip out and so you aren’t thought of? Some people who don’t have kids really don’t have any desire to spend their time with other peoples kids, most of our friend group are like this, if they don’t have children then they don’t want to be around kids other than sort of birthdays/christmas type of thing, they definitely wouldn’t want to attend a day out with everyone else’s kids so maybe your friends think you feel that way?

This is quite common- don’t take it personally.

I’m surprised at how old fashioned people can be. Lots of couples will only socialise with other couples, but not single people- even if a big mixed group is going out.

single women have the double whammy of being perceived as a threat. None of my close friends are like this, but I’ve seen some acquaintances visibly bristle if I chat about the weather to their husband at a party!

I’d try to find more single friends. You can still be friends with your current group, but it will bother you less.

Its sad but possible these women see you as a threat and don't want you around their husbands, not saying that you have any intentions towards them at all, but some women can't help but think this way

It sounds like your a relatively new friend to some of the group of 3 best friends, it’s lovely that your friend has introduced you to the others in the group but I think it’s natural that sometimes they will want to spend time without you.

I think it’s quite over the top to be ‘angry and upset’ about this, they are much closer friends than you are so will spend more time together. They’ve obviously been in each others life for a long time, so their husbands and children and lives will be intertwined, as a new friend I think it’s normal that you don’t often see their children and husbands as you don’t have that connection to them. They’ve probably spent time together as couples or families for years and adding a new single friend could change the dynamic of these meet ups.

If you bring this up I could see it backfiring on you and your friend might back off from you. Relationships take time to build and if you come on too strong it may put them off.

I reckon they possibly don't invite you because they think you wouldn't want to attend?

I am 27, and have friends with kids - I love my friends and their kids are sweet, but I wouldn't really have any interest in attending play dates or meeting up with a big group of couples. So it would follow that I might not think to invite a single friend, if roles were reversed.

If I were you I'd just tell her this tbh, rather than allowing the resentment to build. I doubt there's anything in it

Unfortunately, you can expect that in life, it's the way it always is for single people. You are not being treated any differently than other single people are, so it's a thing you have to get used to. No way around that when dealing with couples, best way is to find other singletons to hang out with while maintaining your friendship on the side.
The women in couples who are particularly off with you, are possibly seeing you as a threat as they are insecure within their relationship, that's their problem.

Thanks @Mrsttcno1 . I like spending time with my friend's children and on the rare occasion I get to see them, I always tell my friend how nice it was. I have said before it would be nice for me, her, her husband and their kids to all do something together. She said a while back I should go over for dinner and that she would look at her diary to see when is best but I haven't heard anything. I get the sense their is a reluctance from her, her husband or the both of them.

Thanks @Rumblingthunder . I know what you mean about some couples only wanting to socialise with other couples. I know not all couples are like that but it feels like more are becoming like that.

Thanks @Tillybud81 . I can understand that point of view in cases like this.

Yep, it happens a lot.

And it’s so sad.

I think a lot of women think they are better for having a partner. And it doubles when they have kids.

I remember reading a thread about this topic on MN’s some time ago and one of the women said that she doesn’t like being friends with women who don’t have a partner, because she ”doesn’t know what to talk to them about”!!
🫨😲
Crazy!

I’m sorry that this is happening to you too.
It sucks.

Best way to deal with this for me has been to find new friends, new things to do and do not wait around for them for bare minimum. Or when it’s convenient for them / they need something from you.

@TheDaisyChain1990 , it's how it is. There's a thread about how a widow was dumped by her and her husband's couple friends.
You'll get invited to something if they need a single woman to make up the numbers.

Thanks @Prinnny . Me and another of her best friends have been friends with her the longest, so the other two became friends with her later on. I understand your point about not bringing it up. I think I will just focus on my friendship with her.

Thanks @retinolalcohol . I like to spend time with her children and I do let her know this. I think there is just a reluctance from her side.

Thanks @Opentooffers . It is good to know I am not alone in feeling like this.

Thanks for understanding @TodayIsNotMyDay . I definitely agree with your last point!

@MerryChristmasToYou that is awful about the widow, I have heard a lot about things like that before, unfortunately.

It's possible she sees you as a precious me time friend and wants to keep that separate for herself.

Thanks @ChristmasGutPunch . That is a good point.

Entirely normal: friends pair off and drop their single friends. And those that don't at that point entirely drop their single friends when they have children. Obviously they were never really friends who cared or they would have some consideration for the single friend's feelings, but hardly anyone does.

I've been hurt so many times by this. It's just shit. All you can do is find new friends who actually do care about you, but that's easier said than done.

The former friends might reappear once their children grow up a bit, but given how little they cared previously you might be cautious about taking them up again.

I'm reading this situation a bit differently. She has other friends who aren't your friends specifically. Are they friends with each other? In that case they may sometimes want to meet up just them. I know it's hurtful but sometimes one person changes the dynamic.

Regarding the husband - perhaps he is friendly with the husbands and enjoys those get togethers but simply sees you as his wife's friend. I don't know why he would wish you a happy birthday.

I agree with @Prinny. It sounds as if it’s at least as much because your primary friendship is with only one member of the group as because you’re single. You describe the others as her ‘three other best friends’. It doesn’t sound as if the others would consider you their ‘best friend’.

Presumably the other three initiate at least some of the other social occasions you’re not invited to, and they don’t invite you because you’re just not really on their radar — you’re ‘X’s friend’, not theirs. You’ve said your friend invites you to parties for her and her children’s birthdays, and insisted on you being invited to another occasion, and sees you regularly one-on-one. I don’t think she’s done anything wrong.

It even sounds a bit entitled to me that you think you’re owed an invitation to every single occasion your best friend’s social circle has. In your shoes, I’d look to expand my friendship network independently of this one, which you’re not a full ‘member’ of, because your only real friendship is with one member.

(Are you a carer for your dad? I appreciate that may be isolating…)

I am a widow and notice that while I get invited to 'girls night' or if a general drinks thing, I never get invited if couples. Mind you, I never invite couples to my place either.
Kids - no I get invited over, or rather get asked to join in a walk or something (I think it's so I could help mind the kids). When I had my own it never worked the other way!

Honestly, what stood out for me is you describing the other ladies as your friend's friends. It sounds like they have their own friendship group and fair enough.

With that said, some of what you describe about the single friend is true.