Left out for being single

[TheDaisyChain1990]

Hello everyone (this is my first time on Mumsnet!)

I am in my 30s (will turn 34 in August) and feel quite left out because I am single and I wanted to see what your experience of this is. I live at home with my elderly dad (my family dynamic is very complicated).

I have kept a friendship with someone from school who I see every few weeks and me and her other three best friends will sometimes meet up together. They are all either married or have a partner and two of them have children.

With my friend from school I have noticed over the last few years that she never invites me to do social activities with her husband and children, only her, but with her other best friends she will. The only time I will see her husband is for her birthday meal and her children when she has birthday parties for them.

When I do see my friend, we do things like go for walks or meet up for lunch etc. so not just activities only single people can do.

Sometimes when she messages me, she will say that her and her husband have been out with one of her other best friends and their partner and both their sets of children or she has invited them over to her house for dinner. It was the birthday of one of her other best friends last week and last night she said they all went out for dinner together. When it is my birthday, it will only be her that comes out with me for a meal - last year her husband didn't even bother to say Happy Birthday to me. I usually message him to say Happy Birthday but this year I won't bother. On the rare occasion that I do see him, I am always nice and polite and ask him how he has been.

Interestingly, last year my friend had a go at one of her other best friends for suggesting that all four of them go out with their partners for a meal but that I shouldn't be invited as I am single - this girl has always seemed to have an issue with me, and I don't know why as I have only ever been nice to her. Even more interestingly, her husband said to her it wasn't nice the other girl did this. I don't know what to make of this - I think it is nice she stood up for me but I still feel left out in general.

When I saw my friend the other week, I dropped into the conversation that I hadn't seen her children so far this year. There was a long pause, followed by "I don't think you want to, they are really misbehaving right now!". Having said that her other best friends see them regularly.

I understand that our lifestyles are different and if they go out with other couples her husband has another man to talk to and her children have someone else to play with. However my opinion is a friend is a friend regardless of their marital status or whether or not they have children. I don't like confrontation and I wouldn't know how to approach this. My friend is quite a reactive person and I feel however gently I approach this she would take it the wrong way.

It is getting to the point where I feel angry and upset every time she drops in her messages about meeting up with her other best friends with her husband and children. Sometimes I don't feel like I even want to respond when I see a message like that. 😢

What are your experiences of this and how have you dealt with it? Thank you in advance and apologies for the lengthy post. 💜

I'm in a close group of 4 couples where we'll get together all the couples and the men are friends too. One of the women, let's call her Jane, has another very close friend who is single, who we see at the occasional girls night that Jane organises, or Jane's birthday. She's nice enough but we're not super close, she's very much Jane's friend. If I or the other women organise a gathering for our group with the partners, we wouldn't think to invite Jane's friend not because she's single but because she's not close friends with the rest of us. The same way I don't invite any of my close friends that aren't part of the group. We don't mean any malice by it. Could it be a similar situation here?
Also FWIW my husband never messages any of my friends to say happy birthday, it would just never occur to him to do so. I never message his friends to say happy birthday either.

I never bring my partner to socialise with my friends. I only want to see my friends and I wouldn't want to socialise with their husbands either. I don't really do couple socialising with other couples.

This too, if I'm going to socialise with a single friend and there's no need to bring my husband (I.e. There's no other husband going to be sat there bored without a bloke to make small talk to) then I'll go enjoy an evening without my husband and he'll usually go see his friends that evening.
I've got friends I've known for years that my husband has only met a handful of times.

As PP’s have said, I wouldn’t focus on this too much, enjoy your friendship as it is. Two of my closest friends have’s lots of friends, single and in couples, and I’m openly happy for them if they say that they’re going out with X and Y, or on holiday together. I also have friends whom they don’t know.

I view them like sisters, I’m happy that they have good social lives and tbh, they’re far more outgoing than me anyway. They’re always there for me if I need them and that’s the important thing, plus we have fun together.

I think you’re at very different places in life, they’re married, children, living independently, and you’re single and living with a parent.

Also some of them are your friends friends, not your friends, and sometimes you’re not included because they just don’t want to include you - and that’s ok.

And you’re doing that thing I’ve noticed with a few single people in my social circle, which is expecting or wanting to be invited and included in everything, whilst doing little to no suggesting, organising or arranging anything themselves.

Thanks @BruFord - very true!

@Namechange666 - thanks, that is quite interesting.

@BornIn78 bit would the couples or couples-up friends come if the single person invited them? My experience is that they don't because everything is about "family time" and if you don't have a family you are worthless to them.

My partner isn't really the socialising type to be honest.
He gets social anxiety and gets burned out after a while.
I've never been someone that needs my partner to attend things with me. He does for family stuff but I never make him stay longer than he's comfortable with. It's our compromise and it's worked 18 years for us.

But my friends are very separate from my partner as they are my friends. I don't think they'd appreciate me bringing him to every meet up either. They want to see me and vice versa. Lots of my friends are like this too and don't bring their partners.

@HappyHolidai It’s inevitable that people will often prioritize time with their partner and children though, isn’t it? They presumably love those people more than anyone else (n the world (you’d hope so anyway). Ideally people try to balance time with their romantic partner, family, and friends but that’s not always the case.

@BruFord probably. But when you're the single friend ditched time and time again by people you thought liked you, it gets pretty upsetting.

Sounds like you don’t have a close friendship with her DH, so it would be odd for her to bring him along? I would imagine he would also find it odd to tag on when your friend is meeting up with you. It changes the dynamic a bit. And I think your post does seem a bit fixated on including her dh on your meet ups. I get you wanting to see her dc, but why do you want to meet up with her dh who you hardly know?

But he is not your friend so I see her point of view. You do things together and why would he need to be there. The other friends are her friends. Would be weird if her husband was tagging along. Don't look for issues that are not here and just enjoy the friendship.

Join some meet up groups OP and get some single mates. Keep your friends but lower your expectations, it's the sure fire way to disappointment. They are never going to shoe horn you into their couples set up regardless of how many hints you drop. They will already be aware they're not inviting you, but they don't care as they have found the arrangement that suits them best. It's bruising and hurtful but try to engage your efforts in finding some new friends that work for you .

My DH doesn’t socialise with my friends - we have couple friends but he doesn’t stick around if it’s just a girl friend over (single or not). He’d never text any of them happy birthday..

these people are not your friends.

it's one thing if the partner doesn't want to socialise with you but to exclude you when they all meet up is different

the only possible valid reason I can think of is if you showed any signs of being uncomfortable around the kids but doesn't sound like it

I would go lc. but then I have very little social battery and reserve it only for people I genuinely love and respect

I think you are putting far too much pressure on one friend and her loved ones. You see her one-on-one, you see her with her friends, you see her with her family. It sounds like she is doing a really good job integrating you into her life. Her DH sounds less excited about spending time with you and his wife and that's understandable. You shouldn't expect him to text you on your birthday, you are not his friend. Just because they are together doesn't automatically make you friends too. He probably has his own friends.

If you look at yourself instead of her, do you reciprocate? Do you have a wider circle of friends who you are integrating her with? Do you invite her over for dinner at your dad's place? Do you expect your dad to text her on her birthday? It sounds like you are making her responsible for your entire social life when she really should just be a part of it.

It sounds as though you may be waiting for her to invite you or arrange things? Have you tried saying I’d love to see the family, would you all like to come for Sunday lunch next week?

I think this is quite common unfortunately. I am a bit older than you but have been single for about 6 years. Similarly I am not included in any get togethers with spouses even when children attend and I have had to work hard to create a social life around this. It does sting to hear they have all had another night out together as I am usually invited to join for a coffee after school pick up but nothing else. I go out with 2 friends on occasion but I always have to organise it and it is quite hurtful when they have clearly had another night / meal out together recently.I don't know that there is much you can do. As my child gets older I am pursuing other interests and trying to build up my own hobbies but I don't anticipate everything being part of a social group with couples again.

I doubt whether the other women perceive you as a threat.

Your friend is your friend. Her husband is clearly not. He is your friend's husband.

When you are a family it is great if your husband gets along with your friend's husband and your kids get on. Then you can successfully do couples and family stuff. Otherwise you do one to one or girls only.

So I have some friends (married and single) that I meet just us, and some that we did outings as families and couples.

I think l would try to reframe your thinking, as a pp said she might really look forward to just time with you and a chance to chat without husband and kids in tow.
I'm long term single and my married best friend wouldn't dream of bringing her husband along for our meet ups, as we can chat freely about stuff that just wouldn't interest him ( and she can have a good moan about him!)
Also re coupley get togethers l'm afraid sometimes single women are often perceived as a threat, its just how it is, sadly! If l were you l'd try to expand my friendship group so as to meet more singles and build new friendships.

I'm about 20 years older, with a teen and a young adult and this is definitely a thing.

Any friends I made through the kids school, they may be lovely, but it's rare/harder to get into anybody's inner circle of friends. I'm peripheral to a few groups. Kind of just accepted it now. I do my own thing and will continue to. I will keep myself busy, with hobbies, but yeh, can't seem to get into a group.

My 1:1 friends are good people though. Loyal, funny, wise.

We single people need a framework of our own. Coupling up is the default. Even if, in reality, it isn't?? So many people aren't coupled up but the strength that comes in numbers means that it does seem that way.

DH and I are good friends with two couples who live close by but my single mates come over to dinner and stuff. I do like my 1:1 time with my mates though and have always been like this. I grew up in a house where there were 5 sisters and the noise and chaos was always a bit too much for me.

And the "threat" is subtle. It's not to say that they are threatened by the small chance that you want their husband! As rationally they know that that's not likely! I think The Threat is more of a threat to the dynamics. In a group of couples there's a unsaid understanding that none of these adults are available. So it's a bit of a basic primal effect on the dynamics that isn't your fault, but must exist on some very basic level. When one single, free, "available" woman comes into the mix, even if she can't see why her friends love these men... ykwim.
The homeostasis that is three couples cannot seem to tolerate a single woman.

I think that’s a ridiculous over-reading. In this scenario, the OP is clearly something of a hanger-on to this group, because she’s only close friends with one member, and the others are that members’ friends. The OP is ‘X’s friend’ in their eyes, not theirs., hence they don’t invite her to things they initiate or host, probably because it doesn’t occur to them, not because she’s some kind of threat. The OP seems a bit blinkered on this, by complaining that one of the others didn’t invite her out to her birthday meal (why would you invite someone who isn’t your own friend to a restaurant meal for your birthday?)

Or, given that the OP says one of the others apparently didn’t want to invite her to something, and ‘has always had an issue with her’, it sounds as if not all of the others like her. Again, the OP sounds naive, saying she doesn’t know why, because ‘I have only ever been nice to her’. Lots of people are nice to others, but that doesn’t mean they want to include them in their birthday meals, surely? This is a refrain you see so often on here in people who post about struggling with friendships — ‘but why don’t I have friends? I’m nice to everyone!’ Nice isn’t some magic pass.

OP, kindly, enjoy your friendship with your actual friend in this group, and enjoy the occasions you’re invited, or initiate some yourself? Can you have them over for dinner at your house? But I think you’re asking too much of this group, and should work on expanding your friendship circles and stop being aggrieved about your friend’s husband not wishing you happy birthday.