Left out for being single

[TheDaisyChain1990]

Hello everyone (this is my first time on Mumsnet!)

I am in my 30s (will turn 34 in August) and feel quite left out because I am single and I wanted to see what your experience of this is. I live at home with my elderly dad (my family dynamic is very complicated).

I have kept a friendship with someone from school who I see every few weeks and me and her other three best friends will sometimes meet up together. They are all either married or have a partner and two of them have children.

With my friend from school I have noticed over the last few years that she never invites me to do social activities with her husband and children, only her, but with her other best friends she will. The only time I will see her husband is for her birthday meal and her children when she has birthday parties for them.

When I do see my friend, we do things like go for walks or meet up for lunch etc. so not just activities only single people can do.

Sometimes when she messages me, she will say that her and her husband have been out with one of her other best friends and their partner and both their sets of children or she has invited them over to her house for dinner. It was the birthday of one of her other best friends last week and last night she said they all went out for dinner together. When it is my birthday, it will only be her that comes out with me for a meal - last year her husband didn't even bother to say Happy Birthday to me. I usually message him to say Happy Birthday but this year I won't bother. On the rare occasion that I do see him, I am always nice and polite and ask him how he has been.

Interestingly, last year my friend had a go at one of her other best friends for suggesting that all four of them go out with their partners for a meal but that I shouldn't be invited as I am single - this girl has always seemed to have an issue with me, and I don't know why as I have only ever been nice to her. Even more interestingly, her husband said to her it wasn't nice the other girl did this. I don't know what to make of this - I think it is nice she stood up for me but I still feel left out in general.

When I saw my friend the other week, I dropped into the conversation that I hadn't seen her children so far this year. There was a long pause, followed by "I don't think you want to, they are really misbehaving right now!". Having said that her other best friends see them regularly.

I understand that our lifestyles are different and if they go out with other couples her husband has another man to talk to and her children have someone else to play with. However my opinion is a friend is a friend regardless of their marital status or whether or not they have children. I don't like confrontation and I wouldn't know how to approach this. My friend is quite a reactive person and I feel however gently I approach this she would take it the wrong way.

It is getting to the point where I feel angry and upset every time she drops in her messages about meeting up with her other best friends with her husband and children. Sometimes I don't feel like I even want to respond when I see a message like that. 😢

What are your experiences of this and how have you dealt with it? Thank you in advance and apologies for the lengthy post. 💜

It definitely isn't ridiculous over-reading. One doesn't have to get upset about it, but there is a reason why couples don't tend to include single people. It's not ridiculous to know that there's a reason for that whether the coupled up people are consciously aware of it or not.

I don’t think it’s got much to do with being single, it’s more that your not friends with the majority of the group so why would they invite you or wish you happy birthday just because you’re friends with their wife or best friend? Some people don’t like mixing friendship groups.

This is my experience too op. Not with every friend but the most rememberable and hurtful one was a group of three of us, we were all friends and then used to socialise together with other halves. After I split up from my husband they never wanted to meet up, went very quiet on the group chat, and was only when I got a new Facebook account I saw that they had been meeting up alone for 18 months countless times while brushing me off the whole time. It hurt so much. I just felt the dynamic change when I was single and it was shit because actually that was the time I needed my friends the most.

The thing I find now I have a husband and children is that I need to fit in not only seeing my friends, but seeing my husbands friends and also prioritising what my children want to do. We tend to socialise with our friends who have children and have days out with them because it’s fun for everyone, my husband has people to talk to rather than feeling like a third wheel, and my children have other children to play with. I see my single friends when everyone meets up in a big group abut I wouldn’t invite them on a day out with just my family, I’d want to invite another family. It’s not just me I need to think about now, it’s everyone in my household.

I see your point and tbh, you're only doing what works well for your family. The problem is, what happens to those who don't have this family set up and who are single? I don't expect you to have the answer btw but I think it helps to recognise that life can be very isolating and lonely for those who don't have the traditional family unit or are part of a couple.

Yes but when the poster gets a partner the husband will suddenly reappear.Then there will be couples dinners.Nauseating.I accept that most people including medics, nurses, brokers think partnered people are superior to single and people with kids matter more than those without.Also certain cultures are even worse about this.Find some single mums to be friends with.

When one of your single friends meets someone and either gets pregnant or takes a stepmum role can she then look forward to receiving weekend invitationa to your home and days out?

I was the single friend in a group who had all met in their twenties before settling down. I was doing other stuff travelling with my career etc and didn't think much of it when meetups became more and more sporadic. I assumed it was a natural unwinding and main contact were WhatsApp chats and so forth.

Then I met my DP in my late 30s and all of a sudden I was getting invited to girls' nights out, weekends away with the partners and so forth. At first I assumed one of the women had instigated a renewed energy into getting everyone together which then snowballed. It was two or three meetups in when I began to realise they were all closer than ever, had holidays, regular weekend meetups but I had been removed from the guestlist only to be reinstated when I fit in more.

I take a very laissez-faire attitude to them all and have done since the hurt passed. I feel no obligation toward maintaining the friendships as they clearly didn't value mine. If I feel like seeing them and it's convenient, I go. If not I don't bother.

You do know us single, childless people can and do enjoy spending time with couples and families?! In fact I think it's lovely spending time with others families and being included. I can happily talk to husbands and keep the children occupied, I happily get on the roundabout with the children, push them on the swing, buy them ice cream.

I have a brilliant relationship with my best friend's grown up daughter as I was included in the family days when she was younger. These days we are more likely to go clubbing and have a beer than ice cream and roundabouts. But that would never have happened if I only spent time with my friend and not the children or his now wife.

I hate the fact people see single people as some how inferior to couples or families and we should just be seen when they are on their own or in big groups.