To want to be reassured often that cheating won't happen again?

[ThisRoseCat]

Sorry if this is the wrong place for this. Not sure to post in AIBU or Relationships.....

My BF and I have been together for 4 years. BF previously cheated on me while travelling for work. He travels for work often, which makes any relationship difficult but I have big trust issues now. Somedays they are worse than others and he is currently on a trip that I find hard.

I now need consistent reassurance it won't happen again. When we are together all is generally good, we did a lot of work in therapy to repair us and he agreed that he would be able to reassure me going forward. It was an agreement he made for us staying together and me trying to regain the trust.

My confidence was shattered and I can feel him thinking I am being unfair looking for reassurance as each trip goes by. I sometimes get upset on the phone when he is away as I'm reliving what happened and it can feel like pulling teeth when I ask for kind words that it won't happen again. Somedays I think 'it's pretty fucked up that I even need to do this' and want to give up.

Fine words butter no parsnips.

You've only been together 4 years and he's already cheated and you've needed therapy. That's fucked up.

Time to move on.

Why waste years trying to patch up a relationship with a cheating lying man?

Move on and find a good man.

Did he tell you or did you find out?

There is a tiny chance that if he owned up, he is genuinely regretful and may learn.

if she found out, no chance.

You don't feel happy and he is not reassuring you.

life to short to live like this, I thinknyou really need to reevaluate your relationship. Is it causing you more harm than good?

No words can relieve this fear as the trust is gone

This fear can directly relate to how well we feel we could cope if the situation occurred again

When confidence is shattered it can mean that the thought of the situation occurring again is overwhelming

Reliving situations like it's all like it's happening again in real time is a trauma response

When we relive situations then should it occur again then we will not be blindsided this time

So a great amount of effort is going into seeking reassurance & stressing about a situation that we cannot actually control

Such emotional effort is better spent put into ourselves rather than looking for external validation

Assessing what can be done to change the situation & thinking about what is best for us as an individual moving forward is a better strategy

There are no easy answers but either way you deserve to find peace & regain your confidence + sanity

Everyone makes mistakes, everyone lies. Either you forgive this man or you leave the relationship.

But it will happen again. Why are you living your life like this?

He cheated which is appalling but being needy and controlling now is not going to change that, if you need constant reassuring get a puppy not keep this partner

Don't patronise me, you sanctimonious blank!

My ex had a job where he travelled all the time. He promised me he’d never cheat again, even used to FaceTime to show me his room etc…he had an affair and was living a double life, even had a house with the OW who worked and travelled with him. Cheaters don’t ever change, they just get better and covering their tracks. From the minute I found out he cheated I lived under a horrible cloud of anxiety, checking up, looking for clues etc, all to no avail, surprise surprise, the liar and a cheat was lying and cheating! Go and find a new life where you’re not living like this, as it’s already broken beyond repair. Good luck OP

I don't think anything he says will give you that reassurance OP. You no longer trust him (don't blame you). The fact that he is still in the same situation in which he was able to cheat before is triggering for you. Do you think you may be picking up cheating vibes? If he is making you feel that you are being unfair asking for reassurance (which he isn't offering) then that is actually massively unfair of him. Unfortunately he may use this as an excuse to stray again - "well if I'm being accused of it anyway, I may as well do it!" rather than showing understanding and reassuring you.

If you can't draw a line under it and move on, you can't, and you can't force yourself to feel that way. It's not your fault, it's your heart overruling your head.

Personally I wouldn't have had him back in the first place.

I 90% agree with you, but it's not facts it's an opinion

How long ago did he cheat?

If its recent he should be willing to reassure you.

But if it was 2-3 years ago, I suggest more counselling. You can't stay with someone and insist on keep having the conversation about them cheating. You do the work and you have to move on. Would you still be expecting him to reassure you in 10 years. If its still impacting you so much years down the line, it probably means you won't ever move past it.

If people choose to stay together after cheating, put in the work and come out the otherside and it works that's great. However you can't keep going through the same topic again and again. It's not fair on anyone.

The facts are you were in an exclusive relationship. He promised not to sleep with anyone else and did anyway. He reassurance doesn't mean much. Does it really reassure you now?

I think people have complicated lives @elial and not everything is black and white. People (or their partners) may feel they have made a mistake, but your opinion is they didn't - of course, that 'mistake' was also a choice they made.

I pretty much agree with most of what you are saying, but that is my opinion too