To want to be reassured often that cheating won't happen again?

[ThisRoseCat]

Sorry if this is the wrong place for this. Not sure to post in AIBU or Relationships.....

My BF and I have been together for 4 years. BF previously cheated on me while travelling for work. He travels for work often, which makes any relationship difficult but I have big trust issues now. Somedays they are worse than others and he is currently on a trip that I find hard.

I now need consistent reassurance it won't happen again. When we are together all is generally good, we did a lot of work in therapy to repair us and he agreed that he would be able to reassure me going forward. It was an agreement he made for us staying together and me trying to regain the trust.

My confidence was shattered and I can feel him thinking I am being unfair looking for reassurance as each trip goes by. I sometimes get upset on the phone when he is away as I'm reliving what happened and it can feel like pulling teeth when I ask for kind words that it won't happen again. Somedays I think 'it's pretty fucked up that I even need to do this' and want to give up.

Obviously you feel insecure, you know for a fact that you cannot trust your boyfriend.
There's no reason on earth to not dump him, there is no shortage of blokes on earth, enjoy being rid of him, get STI tested, work on your standards. Only when you meet a high quality, intelligent man who doesn't shag his way round the world, consider dating.
No boyfriend is worth this nonsense, or needing therapy over. Enjoy your life.

Cheat once and your gone my standards are higher

You're going to push him away with your insecurities.
Truth be told, the trust in your relationship has gone already.

When we are together, I trust him. When we are apart, I often feel very insecure

You don't trust him when you are together, you just feel safe because he is with you so can't be sticking it elsewhere.

@ILoveSalmonSpread
She should be insecure since she's choosing to date a proven cheater. Pushing him away is the ideal outcome. Hopefully she dumps him by text, telling him it's because he's unattractive, and raises her standards.

You're not unreasonable per se but honestly the relationship is pretty dead given how you both feel. Sometimes it's time to accept something is broken and can't be fixed.

That’s basically what I’m aiming at but she desperately wants to cling on to him .

Some people's mistakes don't involve the genitals of people who are not their partner though.

Likewise, not everybody lies.

You must surround yourself with scum, to have such a view.

I don't think yabu to want that reassurance, but I'd suggest questioning why, if you NEED it, you're staying in the relationship. Is he worth damaging your emotional health for, really?

Just dropped in to say I completely understand this situation.

I think some men hate having to give this reassurance as they feel controlled or monitored even if it’s their own fault. It reminds them of the guilt which they don’t like.

But I also think if he really wanted to put it right he would make sure he gave you the reassurance. Have you been specific about what you need from him when he’s away? If you have and he won’t do that it’s time to reconsider if this is the one for you.

Sorry he cheated on you OP. You deserve better 💐

i think it sounds like youve given it a good go, to try and regain the trust, but I think that once someone has broken that trust, its incredibly hard to build it back up, and often not even possible.

Maybe its time to call it a day. Youre driving yourself mad. The actions your partner took cant just be undone or forgotten about.
I think by staying with him, youre not open to finding proper happiness and trust with an honest man

Ah OP this isn't a life. This is like wearing a hair shirt riddled with anxiety. You're probably better off being apart and really working on your confidence before thinking about trying again with a clean slate. You may decide after that, that he's not worth it. I'm sorry man.

Yes, this. You don't trust him any more when you're together than when you're apart, you can just keep better tabs on him.

This is no life OP. In general I agree with those who say cheating and the tropes around it are not as black and white as is often painted on here, but equally not all relationships can survive it - and in many cases, nor should they. The trust here is gone and I think you should give yourself permission to go too.

I didn't realise how bad I felt until this trip. I didn't expect his 'coldness' and blaming tiredness as he is the one who pushed for us to be back together, now I feel as though I'm chasing for reassurance. It has made me feel weak and frankly ridiculous.

You are not weak or ridiculous! You had the rug pulled out from under you so its normal that you would feel like this. As for whether he will do it again? Who knows? No one. The trick is to make sure YOU will be ok, no matter what.
The "once a cheater always a cheater" so often trotted out on here is a myth. It makes no allowance for the fact that people change, all the time. Are you the same person you were 20, 10, even 5 years ago? I know I'm not. Some change happens organically, without us really thinking about it, as a result of life and our experiences. Other change has to be really worked at. What work has your BF done to change his thinking and behaviour? Because cheating is not a "mistake" it's a series of choices. He is perfectly capable of making different choices, we all are, but does he want to and will he? Only you can tell that, but his reluctance to reassure you isn't a good sign. He should be breaking his bloody neck to make you feel secure, he should be the one bringing it up and he should be the one doing the work to make sure he doesn't do it again. You can only control you so I suggest you start expanding your life without him, go out and do things for you whilst he is away. Build a network for yourself so you can be your own safe person. I think you will then find that actually, you don't "need" this man after all.....

Any thoughts on the replies @ThisRoseCat ?

You shouldn't have to beg him for crumbs OP. This sounds emotionally exhausting for you and he can't even be bothered to put the work in after cheating on you. Don't do this to yourself any more you deserve some peace.

Crumbs are a perfect word for it @takemeawayagain.

In terms of the replies @Obeast I needed to hear people tell me the truth. Sometimes strangers who aren't entangled in your life are easier to hear it from.

He's quite hot and cold. When first getting back together I'll I enjoyed the romantic gestures, promises, the love he showed but as soon as he starts to pull away/get back to normal I seem to have crashed back into reality with a pretty bad bump.

He's quite hot and cold. When first getting back together I'll I enjoyed the romantic gestures, promises, the love he showed but as soon as he starts to pull away/get back to normal I seem to have crashed back into reality with a pretty bad bump.

Bloody hell OP this is not a you problem. He is a master manipulator who is giving it all then pulling back to bring out your needy side. Get rid of the fucker, he is completely toxic.

You should take enjoyment in dumping him and them never give a moments thought to him again.
Hopefully you've been regularly tested for STDs

This is still pretty fresh then and he's already past the point of trying to make you feel safe and secure in the relationship.

It's doomed.
You're never going to be happy in this relationship. This will always be hanging over you, you said he travels for work often, do you want to be still anxious and upset in 5 years or 10 years every time he travels and by then you'll get zero reassurance at all if he's already fed up of it now and he'll just consider you to be needy and paranoid and he will leave out the whole context.

It's a miserable existence OP. You deserve better!