To want to be reassured often that cheating won't happen again?

[ThisRoseCat]

Sorry if this is the wrong place for this. Not sure to post in AIBU or Relationships.....

My BF and I have been together for 4 years. BF previously cheated on me while travelling for work. He travels for work often, which makes any relationship difficult but I have big trust issues now. Somedays they are worse than others and he is currently on a trip that I find hard.

I now need consistent reassurance it won't happen again. When we are together all is generally good, we did a lot of work in therapy to repair us and he agreed that he would be able to reassure me going forward. It was an agreement he made for us staying together and me trying to regain the trust.

My confidence was shattered and I can feel him thinking I am being unfair looking for reassurance as each trip goes by. I sometimes get upset on the phone when he is away as I'm reliving what happened and it can feel like pulling teeth when I ask for kind words that it won't happen again. Somedays I think 'it's pretty fucked up that I even need to do this' and want to give up.

Has this thread triggered you? There's no need to stamp all over other posters who disagree with you even slightly.

Its only your opinion, one I happen to mostly agree with, until you started tantrumming and bleeding your own apparent hurt all over the place.

Chill TFO or step away from the thread. It doesn't need a trigger warning, but maybe your posts need some kind of warning.

I think you are unreasonable to stay with this man. I’m sorry. I know how hard it is to leave. But he is not good for your mental health or well-being.
you are right in your instincts that it should NOT be “like pulling teeth” to request some reassuring words.

i think it sounds like you need time and space so you can heal. You are not unreasonable to want him to do the work to create a solid, safe partnership with you - but he is not going to become a better man.

he’s had all the chances to, hasn’t he, and you’re still feeling like he’s not holding up his end of what should be a partnership.

i would start working on myself to get strong enough to break free of him. But that is me, speaking from my past experience. I haven’t been in your four years together; so ultimately, only you can know what’s right and true and best for you.

but if you continue to feel unsafe, and if it’s just flipped around to be about you being fragile or something, please hang onto these words: it is NOT your mental health that’s at fault, not after someone cheated. Nope.

He’s the problem.

Also. Again, just speaking from my past- could it be, maybe, that you keep needing reassurance because deep down in your gut you KNOW this man won’t change?

Op, this is mental torture for you.

Of course you need reassurances that he's not going to cheat again because he has betrayed and hurt you already.

Will his words really reassure you? He tells you he won't cheat then an hour or a day later, the nagging doubts and anxiety in your stomach creeps back in.

This is your instinct trying to protect you. Warning you. Telling you all is not right. You're not paranoid. You're not unreasonable. It's happened before and your instinct is telling you it'll happen again. It's alarm bells.

It's time for you to find peace of mind. Some relief.

The way to do that is the end this relationship. He's untrustworthy. A liar. A cheat.

Please don't waste your precious life and peace of mind on him anymore.

Imagine living a life where you don't have to guess, doubt, wonder. Without that horrible feeling in your stomach.

I know it's been a four year relationship but he's already fucked it up.

I’d walk away now. I stayed with my now ex who had been messaging other women online. Long story short, he never stopped and then went on to have a full blown affair. I look back now and wish I’d had the strength to leave him then and saved myself the years of waiting for reassurance like you are - he lied anyway! It’s so, so hard but do yourself a favour and get out, you’re worth more than that.

‘Once a cheater always a cheater’ is BS BUT it is more often the case than not. Sadly they are more likely to cheat again unless they work hard to fix the deep seated flaws in their nature.

‘He wouldn’t cheat if he loved you’ is BS it’s about their deep rooted issues which could be anything from constant need to validation to poor boundaries but at its core it’s around selfishness and validation. It’s not a loving action fair, but many cheats believe they love the person they’ve betrayed.

‘it was a mistake’ is nonsense. It’s a series of choices made.

i was in a situation years ago when a boyfriend cheated on me. We went to relationship counselling etc and tried to make it work. I gave up because I just couldn’t feel safe with him again. No matter how hard he tried. I don’t know if he cheated again in our relationship (probably) but I know he went on to marry a woman and was a serial cheat. It was hideous watching him treat her and their family like that. We’re many years down the line now, him divorced and he’s only now got to grips with himself (we remained friends).

I am actually not anti reconciliation when a family is involved and the cheat really wants to be better. I’ve seen it work. But I think without those ties it’s a lost cause.

I think you need to stop thinking about him and really consider if you’ll ever feel safe again in this relationship and if the answers no then why continue?

I am so sorry as I do know how painful it is, but he doesn’t sound like he wants to make things right.

Once a cheater always a cheater is often touted on here but its nonsense. But I did read someone say on here once that they beleived once a man has cheated on a particular woman he is more likely to cheat on her again and I think there is probably some merit in this.

However, what I would say is this.

Constant reassurance that he won't cheat won't actually impact on whether he does or not.

I could promise someone that I wasn't going to have chocolate at lunchtime today or whatever. But if it got to lunchtime and I really fancied some, I'd have it anyway.

The person I promised is unlikely to find out; I don't care at that moment that I said I wouldn't; I just really fancy some chocolate. The only thing that would stop me from eating that chocolate would be whether I decided I wasn't going to have any and that would be a choice for me and regardless of someome else asking me to promise or reassure them that I wouldn't eat chocolate that day.

You need to decide to trust him and move on or that you don't trust him and end it. It's untenable to spendnthe rest of your life seeking this reassurance and ineffective on actually stopping him if he chooses to.

No one here can reassure you if he is cheating or not.

I think your instinct that the pain it is causing you, never being sure, never really knowing, being constantly retriggered when he goes away, is negating the benefit you get from this relationship, is the right one.

This relationship is not for you. The trust is ( understandably) gone and it’s not been rebuilt.

Cut your losses and move on rather than putting yourself through this torment.

No one here can promise you what he will do. No one here can make you trust him.

You have 2 choices

1. Stay and never fully trust him or love him in the way you did before he cheated
2. Leave

You deserve better than a life of uncertainty

That is one of the key issues when someone is cheated. The thrust is broken. I agree with some posters that said that looking for constant reassurance will further damage your self steem and the relationship but I also agree with other posters that said that you deserved better and you don't deserve to spend part of your time wondering if he is doing it again.
I would be taking control of the relationship and ending it for my on good.

With this things either You forgive and forget or you don't, if you don't it is always better for our own sanity to move on and end it.

Yep this

I would say it massively depends on the relationship., the circumstances, the reason for cheating etc. I always say I would never be able to get over someone cheating on me however for me, it is less about thinking "once a cheat always a cheat" but more along the lines of "well something is clearly missing / not right in this relationship if they are looking elsewhere so what's the point in staying?!".

In your circumstances I would say you've been together 4 years, no kids (I presume?) and already you don't trust him and have had to had therapy?! Nope not worth it.

I agree with PP, life isn't black and white. I don't think cheating necessarily makes someone a terrible person, but I do think it breaks that relationship irreversibly.

It's never going to be a happy one while you need such reassurance and you know he broke your trust, so you're going to want the reassurance - even though no amount of reassurance will actually reassure you.

I now need consistent reassurance it won't happen again

Take a step back and see what he has done to you. That's no way to live, in fear he may cheat again, being so needy for reassurance only serves to show him you are willing to forgive because you 'want' him so much. He has done an absolute job on you - get rid of him, raise your self respect and get on with your life.

You could get counselling and forgive and actually forgive and not keep mentioning it or you could move on.

Personally I know what I would do and that's move on. There's no trust and anyone who risks my health by dipping their wick in someone else is a grim little man who needs putting out with the trash.

It sounds like you either need more therapy or to end the relationship. From your post it doesn't like you got to the bottom of why he cheated. Agreeing that he will reassure you that it won't happen again isn't a very good outcome from therapy to repair your relationship because obviously it doesn't work - it's just words. He can't make you trust him, you either do or you don't and it doesn't sound like you trust yourself to know whether you can trust him. Asking for constant reassurance and being needy doesn't ensure he doesn't cheat, it just makes you sound insecure and needy and like he could get away with it again.

What do you actually get from this relationship? It sounds more stress than joy.
A partner is supposed to bring out the best in you, this is not the best version of you.
Find someone who treats you well and who you don't feel this level of anxiety with.
Or be on your own and build up your confidence and don't let a man bring you down again.

well something is clearly missing / not right in this relationship if they are looking elsewhere so what's the point in staying?!"

Some men just enjoy having more than one woman, they enjoy affairs and they do it because they can. There is nothing wrong with their primary relationship. They do to because they enjoy it. And once they have starting cheating, and realised they can do it, its very hard for them to motivate themselves to stop doing something they really enjoy.

Its an urban myth that cheating is always a sign of something is wrong in a relationship, from the point of view of the cheater. Sometimes it really is simply because the cheater enjoys cheating.

The thing is, he can reassure you and promise that it won't happen again but he could just be lying, it's just words. At some point you have to believe that he is genuinely sorry, he made a mistake and he doesn't want to make the same mistake again and lose you. If you truly believe this then you need to stop asking him for constant reassurance because eventually he's going to feel that no matter what he does, you are never going to trust him again. The relationship cannot move forward in this way. Perhaps you need to have some counselling on your own to develop strategies to cope when you're feeling insecure.

If he travels often and you get upset every time and need him to tell you he won’t shag someone else. Then that’s hugely unsustainable.

you either need to decide you forgive and trust him and will stay, or end this, but you cannot both keep reliving it.

clearly the therapy has not worked. Personally I think it’s over. As you can’t move on and he can’t be forced into this constant cycle of reassurance and upset.

With kindness, how will reassurance stop him from cheating if he wants to? If you're not confident he's changed and he's still got the same opportunities then why do this to yourself? I wouldn't want to be in your position. Has anything come out of therapy to suggest he has changed?

As pp have said 'one a cheater, always a cheater' isn't true. BUT he's cheated on you and you've forgiven him, so he knows he can cheat on you and get away with it. You know he was happy to cheat, and to lie to you. I completely understand why that would prey on your mind.

And now he's acting offended that it's on your mind. He created this situation and should be very happy to reassure you until you are 'over' it.

(TBH I'm not sure if it's something you can really get over. You certainly can't forget it.).

I'm also of the view that, if you decide to stay with someone after they've cheated, there has to come a point at which you agree to move forward. It might take a couple of years, but at some point you have to decide a) do I now trust them again, in which case we move on without dragging it up again and again, or b) I don't trust him, so am likely never to, and I should leave him.

When we are together, I trust him. When we are apart, I often feel very insecure. Yesterday he was cold on the phone and it felt tense, I asked for reassurance and he said he was very tired after a long work day. He gave me some but he sounded like I was being over dramatic.

This happened last May, we took a break for a summer and the have been trying again since then. This is the longest he's been away since it happened (just thought I'd give context). I am also in my own counselling.