Partner when drunk gets aggressive, especially when out with our friends

[Mary0109]

My partner and I have been together just over a year now. We're having serious future talks, one of which involves us finding a place together next year once I graduate University.

Very suddenly however, I'm having serious doubts due to his aggressive approach to conflict.

Over our relationship, he's gotten into a serious fist fight with his friend due to him criticizing (relentlessly, in my opinion) his friend's girlfriend, he's landed in hospital after a bar fight (he was punched up, didn't have the chance to swing at all), has choked me in response to me teasing him while we were at a friend's 21st (I checked for bruising the day after, luckily it wasn't that severe), and during the last outing a couple months ago the following occurred:

We were leaving the bar as it was closing with his mate. The same mate he had a fist fight with, and this time they were arguing over the same bloody subject. My boyfriend not liking his girlfriend. They were getting quite heated, so I tapped my boyfriend on the shoulder and asked him to calm down, but he shoved me aside, ignoring me. Frustrated, and drunk, I approached again and sternly began to tell him to calm down, but he again shoved me and told me to go away.

Note; he's a big man. He regularly lifts weights, and his shoves had me stumble. I was fearful when he choked me, because his arm was large enough to painfully squeeze my entire throat.

I stood by the bar's wall waiting for them to finish their conversation. We weren't in a particularly nice part of town, so two drunk men approached me and began chatting me up. I made eye contact with my boyfriend, but he left it be. I was trying to politely turn down their asking that I join them to a party down the block, when a drunk man approached my boyfriend and his mate, and asked if he could use the bathroom inside the bar.

Instead of telling him he can't, that the bar is closed, my boyfriend told him to "fuck off". The man stepped up to him, and again my boyfriend stepped up to him, shoved him, and told him to fuck off. This lead to a fist fight, my large boyfriend, his tall mate, and this young, lanky man.

I yelled at them to cut it out, and when they flat out ignored me, I felt disgusted and walked off to find a quite space to book an uber home.

Boyfriend and his friend lay the man onto the ground, then ran after me. My boyfriend had a panic attack from seeing me walk off. I'm used to helping people during panic attacks, as I lost my sister a year ago in a car accident and our little sister frequently has panic attacks when traumatic memories from the hospital come back to her. Once my boyfriend was calmed, I got us home, and had a serious conversation with him. I don't want to be with a violent man, and our relationship will be damned if I'm that foolish girlfriend yelling for her boyfriend to stop punching someone up. He said his sorries, and said that to solve the issue, we wouldn't go out together again. I wasn't happy with the solution, but it's what we both agreed on.

Cut to now. In a few days we're going out for a friend's birthday. We'll play pub golf, which will involve downing nine drinks. I've been quietly dreading it.

Every time he brings it up, he talks about how he's most definitely going to end up in a fist fight with one of the blokes going with our group. Why? He stated that when drunk, his friend teases him relentlessly, and in response, my boyfriend will absolutely throw his fists. He claims this is unavoidable, and simply how he is.

It was him confirming that that made the alarm bells from his previous altercations flare up for me. When we have our first fight, drunk and pissed off, when I'm pushing his buttons and he's pushing mine, what will he do?

I need to hear some opinions. I've decided that if this inevitable fight actually does happen, I will go home. He claims I'm being unreasonable for this, and that I have to understand why it's fine. I'm torn up and dejected, but I will not be with a man immature enough, dangerous enough, to hurt his friends, myself, and strangers over things such as teasing and a f*cking bathroom.

Thoughts?

I’d just leave. You’ve already lowered the bar by staying after strangling you so he knows he can do that and you’ll stay.

Hes going to end up in prison probably for killing you after drinking.

Break up right now. Don’t go to this kind of binge drinking thing. He sounds like a neanderthal. Plus he’s already laid hands on you. He’s a complete liability - get free and stay safe.

Honestly, at the choking thing, I would have gone to the police at that point and left sharpish.

You already are 'that foolish girlfriend'.

Leave him before he kills you, or someone else.

This is how true crime podcasts start.

OP please give your head a big bloody wobble before he kills you and you become another statistic.

Jesus I read some stuff on here but strangling should never just be shrugged off and forgiven.

Oh, yuck.

And just so you know - I'd judge you too OP for being one of those disgusting louts. At the moment you are.

What attracts you to a disgusting lifestyle like that?

I couldn't not respond. I recently ended a 9 month relationship that sounds very similar, including the fact that I suffered a bereavement a few months in. My ex was mostly sweet when sober but his drinking escalated and there were multiple incidents in public which were either embarrassing or dangerous. He wasn't violent to me but he sexually assaulted me as I slept when he was drunk. I found it hard to leave as I was grieving and quite isolated. It ended as I had to call the police to remove him from my house after he went on a bender and was behaving aggressively. He broke stuff in my home and urinated over the floor. He called me a cunt. The relief I feel now he is out of my life is immense and I see how anxious I had been through out the relationship. Yes I miss aspects of him but I'm glad to be free.

Please dont tie yourself to a man like this. The most likely outcome is that his drinking and thuggery will only escalate with time. No good can come of this and you deserve better. There are plenty of men out there who don't act like this. Hugs to you.

You don't need to witness his behaviour this weekend, his past behaviour is so bad that you have no have no excuse to still be with him now. A year together means you're still in the honeymoon period and what you've seen so far is the absolute best of him. He will get worse from here. Normal men do not behave like this, they don't get into fights regularly or beat up their own friends. Alcohol isn't the cause here either, it's just causing his mask to slip and show his true colours. From wat you've said it sounds like he could be using steroids, which would go some way to explaining his violent behaviour.

Anyway, you'd be crazy to stay, and that you've stayed this far suggests you need to reassess your boundaries and raise your standards.

Your boyfriend is a nasty violent thug who will only stop when he kills someone and is in jail. At the moment the most likely person who he will kill is going to be you. You do not need to see how he behaves on Saturday night. You have already seen how he behaves. Leave him now. He might kill you on Saturday.

DO NOT MOVE IN WITH THIS MAN.

Seriously, just run for the hills.

He can't go out without getting into a physical fight and has already assaulted you.

Just get rid.

Jesus christ -_- Why do people stay i dont know. No kids. No shared house .. , ill be damned if im going to let a single person lay a hand on me, drunk or not.

Oh op, you’re only in your early twenties and already with some chronic loser. Please don’t make this your life. You don’t need to see it again. The mere fact you’ve already seen it, and he’s planning to do it again is enough.

for your own sake, end it. Your future self will thank you.

You have been the witness and victim of several violent episodes involving this man in little over a year. Rather than leave him you agreed to his "compromise" of not going out together. However you have decided to accompany him to an event where he has already told you violence is inevitable.

What do you think his twisted mind has made of that? She wants a ring side seat to the fighting?

If you don't want to be in a relationship with a violent man then stop doing it.

He strangled you and yet you seem oblivious to the fact he is very dangerous and could kill you. Who will comfort your little sister during her panic attacks then?

I think you need to speak to a domestic violence charity for advice on how to get away from him safely. He may threaten to harm himself but if that doesn't work he may decide if he can't have you then no one else will.

When you end it make sure you are never on your own with him, be extra vigilant about household security, do not open the door to him, call the police immediately if he makes any threats or won't leave and keep a record of any attempts to contact you just in case you need it later.

Please wake up, I don't think you realise how much danger you are in.

Honestly OP, get out and get out NOW.
Pack your bags today.
This relationship is only going to go one of two ways.... either you're going to feel more and more trapped and one day, black and blue, will be trying to find a way out... or you'll be dead. I'm sorry, but that's the reality of this situation.
You need to leave now.

You say you struggle to leave because you like who he is sober but remember sober him chooses to get drunk in the full knowledge of how he will act.

Sober him does not have a problem with his behaviour. Isn't that scary?

You're mixing in bad circles going to dubious establishment. You're supposed to be finishing a degree. Stay home and study. If anything puts you in hospital you'll have to resit for an extra year

'I plan to see how he behaves this Saturday. I need to witness it again knowing now that there is absolutely no excuse for his behavior.'

You don't. You already know what he is like. He has already choked you. He has already been violent with other people - strangers and people he professes are friends. He has already told you in advance that he plans to beat up another man this weekend. Ffs, listen to what he is telling you.

I think you have trauma bonded with him when you lost your sister (and condolences).

Please just break up with him and make sure you have support around you when you do.

You know the answer OP. He's a violent knuckle dragging meat head who has already directed this violence to you. Even if this behaviour is limited to when he's been drinking, which I suspect it won't be, you're young and full of life. Do you want a partner that you can't go out with in case he starts a fight or turns on you?

Get out, for love of god.

Also, my ex would conveniently have a panic attack or other mental health crisis whenever I pulled away. Don't be fooled.

You've seen enough.

More than enough.

He's wasn't a great person/partner for continuing to date you when you and your family were bereaved.... Most people would probably continue to date you. He stuck around, most people probably would, if you wanted to keep seeing them.

And even if it meant he was some amazing committed partner; his behaviour when socialising and drinking tips the balance of the scales.

You shouldn't have to not go out with your partner because of his behaviour when drinking/socialising. That's not healthy or normal.

He sounds like a bully - two of them attacking a weaker guy.

He also sounds like a massive bully assaulting his smaller, weaker girlfriend.

The choking is extremely serious too. A big risk for serious injury. Him being physical with you in general is so aggressive and inappropriate and disrespectful. Lacking honour and decency.

He's not a different person when drunk.
Nothing comes out when drinking that isn't in there to begin with.
It's just given free reign and no inhibitions to come out.

You appear to not have kids together etc. I wouldn't say stay if you did, but the fact that you don't. GTFO of there!!

He's a trashy, nasty piece of work.

Don't tie yourself to this "man" for a second.

You'll probably need official help to get away from him.
This type doesn't let his acquisition get away from him easily.

He strangled you and yet you seem oblivious to the fact he is very dangerous and could kill you. Who will comfort your little sister during her panic attacks

He could even just knock you away or push you or similar and you could fall badly. It takes very little to give people head/back/neck injuries, especially when a large, strong, drunk man is doing the knocking or pushing to someone smaller and lighter.

You shouldn't be subjected to any of this ... This is not healthy or wise.

It's barrel scraping, trashy shit and you need to get away from him. This is beneath you.

You sound like a nice young woman with prospects, you've been through a terrible bereavement, you do not need this in your life. You need a decent man, (if you feel you must have one).

Yes.

You are a prime candidate for staying with unstable drunk (and in this case dangerous) people because of your background.

Your Mum may not have been violent or intentionally abusive but nonetheless she's set a very unhealthy bar in your life.

Well just cause your Mum's a drunk (sorry, but calling a spade a spade) doesn't mean you have to partner up with violent unstable drunks. Don't ruin your fkg life with this. You can't do anything about being born to your Mum, but you can avoid staying in relationships with unstable, violent drunks.

drinking only 4ish days a week, and only once a week getting hammered

If that's better, I dread to think what she was like originally.

You should have had help all along as the child of an alcoholic.

This is a very insightful post and worth thinking about a lot.