Partner when drunk gets aggressive, especially when out with our friends

[Mary0109]

My partner and I have been together just over a year now. We're having serious future talks, one of which involves us finding a place together next year once I graduate University.

Very suddenly however, I'm having serious doubts due to his aggressive approach to conflict.

Over our relationship, he's gotten into a serious fist fight with his friend due to him criticizing (relentlessly, in my opinion) his friend's girlfriend, he's landed in hospital after a bar fight (he was punched up, didn't have the chance to swing at all), has choked me in response to me teasing him while we were at a friend's 21st (I checked for bruising the day after, luckily it wasn't that severe), and during the last outing a couple months ago the following occurred:

We were leaving the bar as it was closing with his mate. The same mate he had a fist fight with, and this time they were arguing over the same bloody subject. My boyfriend not liking his girlfriend. They were getting quite heated, so I tapped my boyfriend on the shoulder and asked him to calm down, but he shoved me aside, ignoring me. Frustrated, and drunk, I approached again and sternly began to tell him to calm down, but he again shoved me and told me to go away.

Note; he's a big man. He regularly lifts weights, and his shoves had me stumble. I was fearful when he choked me, because his arm was large enough to painfully squeeze my entire throat.

I stood by the bar's wall waiting for them to finish their conversation. We weren't in a particularly nice part of town, so two drunk men approached me and began chatting me up. I made eye contact with my boyfriend, but he left it be. I was trying to politely turn down their asking that I join them to a party down the block, when a drunk man approached my boyfriend and his mate, and asked if he could use the bathroom inside the bar.

Instead of telling him he can't, that the bar is closed, my boyfriend told him to "fuck off". The man stepped up to him, and again my boyfriend stepped up to him, shoved him, and told him to fuck off. This lead to a fist fight, my large boyfriend, his tall mate, and this young, lanky man.

I yelled at them to cut it out, and when they flat out ignored me, I felt disgusted and walked off to find a quite space to book an uber home.

Boyfriend and his friend lay the man onto the ground, then ran after me. My boyfriend had a panic attack from seeing me walk off. I'm used to helping people during panic attacks, as I lost my sister a year ago in a car accident and our little sister frequently has panic attacks when traumatic memories from the hospital come back to her. Once my boyfriend was calmed, I got us home, and had a serious conversation with him. I don't want to be with a violent man, and our relationship will be damned if I'm that foolish girlfriend yelling for her boyfriend to stop punching someone up. He said his sorries, and said that to solve the issue, we wouldn't go out together again. I wasn't happy with the solution, but it's what we both agreed on.

Cut to now. In a few days we're going out for a friend's birthday. We'll play pub golf, which will involve downing nine drinks. I've been quietly dreading it.

Every time he brings it up, he talks about how he's most definitely going to end up in a fist fight with one of the blokes going with our group. Why? He stated that when drunk, his friend teases him relentlessly, and in response, my boyfriend will absolutely throw his fists. He claims this is unavoidable, and simply how he is.

It was him confirming that that made the alarm bells from his previous altercations flare up for me. When we have our first fight, drunk and pissed off, when I'm pushing his buttons and he's pushing mine, what will he do?

I need to hear some opinions. I've decided that if this inevitable fight actually does happen, I will go home. He claims I'm being unreasonable for this, and that I have to understand why it's fine. I'm torn up and dejected, but I will not be with a man immature enough, dangerous enough, to hurt his friends, myself, and strangers over things such as teasing and a f*cking bathroom.

Thoughts?

He is obviously not long term partner material. He's not safe! You aren't safe! He gets violent when he drinks and continues to drink. Please leave.

And please do not see him on saturday. He could kill you and it’s so so worrying that you don’t get this.

Run. For. The. Hills.

@kkloo Thank you so so much, I'll absolutely remember that last part, because knowing him like I do, you're spot on.

I don’t mean to make you feel bad, or worse than you already do.

But this is so far from normal.

You need to leave. And you need to do that in your own time. If you need to see Saturday through, then so be it. But you do need to leave this ‘man’.

And yes, get ready for him to pull out every abusive, manipulative trick in the book, to stop you from leaving.

It’s as tediously predictable, as it hollow.

If he genuinely couldn’t bear you to leave, or even gave a vague shit about you, he wouldn’t insist on being a sub-human thug. He’s had plenty of chances to do the right thing - and has TOLD YOU he won’t.

There are so many good men out there.

Dont waste your life on a terrible one. You don’t deserve this.

Dump him, raise your bar massively and you will be so much happier.

Exactly what I came to say. Leave now OP before it gets worse. And it will. You don’t need to “witness it again”, he choked you. That is all you need to know.

NOPE I did not read past the choking. Get out immediately.
i don’t care how “not serious” it seemed - one little misjudgment can kill you when someone’s grabbing that area of your body.

please please leave him. There is not a man on this earth who is worth risking your life over.

plus, he sounds like a complete loser.

Well, he sounds nice.

First of all, he sounds very charming, a good catch and a decent man, someone you should be proud of, NOT!!!! Hell no. When you wrote, he gets drunk and fights with his friend then go out again with them, from that reason alone, I would run!! No ifs and no buts, I would run!

Then his violent towards others and his starting to get physical with you. What reasoning do you need to get out of this relationship???? Are you waiting to be punched and kicked till you become black and blue? You need your nose to be broken? Your ribs or arms broken? What part of your body needs to be broken before you get out of this relationship? You want him to shout abusive words to you, so abusive that you doubt yourself and lose your confidence??

Without the being physical bit, he does not sound a decent man anyway. He is not worth it.

I think you should explore why you didn't run away from him at the very first signs of abuse.

I find it very alarming and puzzling.

For some reason you don't have healthy boundaries and I wonder why.

Did you witness your Dad being abusive towards your Mum?

He is a violent alcoholic and if you stay with him one more day you are a fool.

if you stay with him and have children with him, you will be setting those children up for a horrible childhood.

@Mary0109 I won't repeat what other people have said. Please take this seriously- because it is serious and you are in danger. Please don't minimise what's happening to you. Have a look at The Freedom Programme here. www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

He tried to kill you.

Your younger sister has already lost one sister, please don't risk her losing another one.

He is dangerous. The end. You need to block and cut off contact.

He claims this is unavoidable, and simply how he is.

He's both shown you and told you who he is.

He's an emotionally incontinent, manipulative and aggressive man, who violently pushes you aside when you need him and will risk killing you in order to control you.

He accepts this side of his character, he won't change even if he could.

You'd be insane to stay with him. I second the recommendation to the Freedom Programme.

Ridiculous! You don’t need to see it happen again! Get rid!

You are hugely minimising his behaviour, especially the choking.

You need to leave him. Have a think about the safest way to do this. Does he have a key to your place? If so, change then locks before you tell him. Don’t tell him in person. If you live alone, think about having a friend to stay.

Violent men can be especially violent when you try to leave so you need to work out a plan to keep yourself safe.

You know this man is violent. He has used his strength on you to shove you and to choke you. Would you do that to someone ever? Especially someone you are supposed to love.

What he does at this event doesn't matter, you need to end the relationship because staying in it means you accept he will hurt you again. Statistically this will escalate, steps like moving in together, getting married, having kids increase the aggression.

Imagine having children and them witnessing this violent man. Seeing him hit others or you. Or worse being on the receiving end of his violence.

You have a chance to walk away now before you are too entangled with him and it will be harder to leave.

Do you want to live your life worrying about what you say, how you behave not being able to speak out for fear of sparking his aggression?

I stopped at “choked” too. He sounds awful. I would get police advice on how to safely leave him because he is very dangerous.

This won't get better.
I was pushed and choked too, later on he blacked my eye, kicked my brothers door down and crept into my Mums house to frighten her. All while drink.
When sober he was possessive and nasty.
Please, for your own safety bin him.

I need to witness it again knowing now that there is absolutely no excuse for his behavior.

No, there are no good or safe reasons to do this.

Why would you need to be a repeat victim of domestic abuse? What possible advantages are there to doing this?

You can't have actually thought that there were any excuses for him choking you the first time.

He sounds incredibly dangerous. You say he's different when he's sober but he's not really is he? Sober him told you that he will have a fight next time you go out, and that you are unreasonable to be bothered by it. Sober him is still planning to drink knowing it will end up in a fight. Violence is normal to him, and the longer you stay with him the more of it will be turned on you. Please get out asap.

End the relationship before it's too late, there are too many red flags.

Then report him to the police because he's a danger to women.

has choked me
Has strangled you, choking is what you do if food gets stuck, Im not trying to pick on your words. its just choking doesn't sound as bad and this is really really bad. Strangulation is a very dangerous red flag.
Dangers of Strangulation

• Strangulation is one of the most lethal forms of domestic violence: unconsciousness may occur within seconds, and death within minutes.
• It’s possible to show no outward symptoms of strangulation but die weeks later due to lack of oxygen and other internal injuries.
• Strangulation can cause traumatic brain injuries, which can affect long-term memory.
• Strangulation is a significant predictor for future lethal violence.
• If your partner has strangled you in the past, your risk of being killed by them is 10 times higher.