Am I a stalker?

[Paninaro94]

Been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years, we. are both divorced with grown up children. We don’t live together but we’re exclusive, have been on lots of holidays together and see each other a lot and are very happy with the situation. He had a few years of dating, both OLD and real-life, before he met me and he doesn’t like to talk about it in anything but the most general sense which is fine.

Last week he mentioned one of his colleagues in a story about work. I had heard him mention her before in passing but didn’t know much about and she has a fairly unusual first name her so found her on Facebook and had a quick nose. I saw the colleague is friends with a woman he dated before we met so the next time I saw him I asked how colleague and former date knew each other independently of him or through him. My boyfriend went crazy, accusing me of “stalking” and looking into his past. Really, I wasn’t. I’ve always thought there was more to his relationship with that woman (not the colleague) than he lets on as she knows (even if superficially) lots of members of his family and friends but he has always assured me that nothing much really happened, they were just sort of friends it was definitely over before we met. Whilst I do have an occasional look at her FB profile (everything is public) because I find her dramatic and amusing but it is literally a 2 minute look and then done.

My take on it is that the ex and the colleague both have pretty open Facebook pages which anyone can see and had they not wanted people to see what they are up to then they wouldn’t have changed the default settings. It literally took me less than one minute to see this information so it is hardly like I was digging back years into their profiles.

I’m upset at being called a stalker but also that he won’t tell me how the ex and the colleague know one another. He flat-out refuses to discuss anything to do with them at all. I now have a niggly feeling, one that I haven’t had before. that something isn’t right and there was a lot more to his relationship with the former date, perhaps even overlapping into ours.

Basically, am I making too much of this? Why won’t he tell me how they know one another?

If I found that my partner of three years had seen a passing mention of an opposite-sex colleague as suspicious enough to warrant snooping around online and trying to trace a connection to someone I dated in the past, I would think they were unpleasantly nosy and paranoid.

I think it’s normal for people to have a nosey on others social media, I do it from time to time. However the asking of him about how they know each other is a little bit too much.
I really don’t want to sound nasty but it comes off as insecure. You say you’re both happy and that you’ve been together for 3 years but it seems like you’re quite hung up on this woman he previously dated. It sounds like you check up on her a lot and perhaps asked a lot of questions about her.

You need to remind yourself that if he really wanted to be with her then he’d probably be with her or tried harder to make it work. Hes reassured you it was over before you met so I think you need to leave it be.

You watch his ex’s page because you find her dramatic and amusing? You sound lovely.

Yes you’re stalking, his past is none of your business. Stop stalking his ex and this other woman online, it’s weird.

Ok fair enough.

Yep it does feel like stalking and a pretty odd thing to be obsessing about.

I guess I am insecure. I’ll stop looking at her profile really, it was only once in a while but yes, it’s not healthy and I will stop asking about her. Hopefully in time I will forget about her altogether. I still think “stalking” is a bit of a harsh word but I agree it is unacceptable and will stop

You can look but don't tell him.

A lot of people do exactly what you do, I think it's considered quite normal. It's sort of some form of acceptable stalking.

It's one of the many reasons why I deleted my Facebook, Instagram etc

You know now he doesn't like it. He clearly doesn't want to tell you about this woman, so you should really leave it now.

Brining up the past isn't going to enhance your relationship with him in any way.

Yeah, it does come across as rather stalker-ish. You've not just done it once, but multiple times.

If my DP was fb stalking my ex and their acquaintances, I'd be thinking my DP didn't trust me and was behaving possessively. Alarm bells would be ringing.

I mean, he's been with you for three years. My DH has an ex that his family are still on speaking terms with, and have her as a fb friend etc, but I'm not concerned. There's nothing else to indicate something is going on, so why would I be concerned?

Same with you... other than o e of his colleagues being fb friends with a long-ago ex of his, what else indicates that something is off?

I didn’t think asking him about it would be a problem, he has often asked me who people I am connected to on social media and I just answer “oh, she’s my school friend” or “that’s my mate who I met through the gym” etc. Never gave it another thought and I thought he would be the same.

yes, it's stalking, maybe not in a very creepy way, but it does show how insecure you really feel

not sure going crazy at you is an appropriate response though - poking around facebook may not be a classy move, but it's hardly an end of the world

It’s a bit weird that he got so angry and name called you, yeah.
I’d say if you’re uneasy, there’s something to listen to in your feelings - and it may just be that he’s not all that lovely, really. A secure and healthy partnership doesn’t result in yelling and name calling when someone asks a question about a work colleague or past relationship.

I think it’s pretty normal to idly look up people on SM. And I think his reaction was waaaay OTT. He could have been irritated and said, they were at college together fgs! Or whatever.

It’s weird to (repeatedly!) look up his coworkers and be suspicious of his relationships with them.
And it’s weird that he is so secretive and defensive.
probably not the best mix

If it was reversed it would be called creepy and controlling so yes of course it is stalker like

And it doesn't make it any better when people try and get away with it but using 'I am sensitive, have issues, anxiety' deal with it don't stalk

Oooh OP you don't actually admit to social media stalking!!!

I’m not concerned about the co-worker, there is nothing between them and never has been, that was just pure curiosity

Yeah you are a stalker, stalking someone’s online presence after hearing their name mentioned and then bringing it up to your partner ?? Weird behaviour

I often just say in passing - oh how do you know such and such - to my dh and it’s an off hand comment.

I think it’s because you’ve asked about this ex a few times and now want to know how the colleague and ex know each other. He knows you’ve gone looking after him just mentioning the colleague.
His reaction was over the top but I guess it depends on how often you’ve discussed this ex. It’s been 3 years so he’s probably fed up about it and is getting angry with the questions.
I always say go with your gut and trust your instincts but it’s been 3 years and you say you’re both happy so it seems like it is an Insecurity issue.

What you’re doing is stalking, we all do it but we probably aren’t as honest about it with our partners!

I didn’t think I was insecure in the relationship but I must be if I feel the need to look at the exes profile a few times a year. They were definitely still in contact and sometimes seeing each other at social occasions when we met, dunno if they still do.

Not trying to excuse my behaviour but the only reason I know she even has a Facebook profile is that she sought me out and “accidentally” liked my profile pic, which is public, so naturally I clicked on her and realised who she was.

I’m 49. I’m ridiculous.

I'm torn on this op. I think if I was dating someone who gave NOTHING away about former relationships after 3 years together I'd find that weird. Don't get me wrong I didn't specifically ask dh about his past etc because past is the past and all that, but it did naturally come up and I never ever got the sense he was purposefully hiding anything from me.

So in that respect, I think it's reasonable that your curiosity has been piqued anyway. I understand him thinking it's weird you've been looking online after a brief passing comment, but his reaction seems over the top. Why not answer the question and then have a conversation with you about why you felt the need to look.

Really for me this isn't about social media and stalking at all, it's about you feeling he's not open or forthcoming enough. That in itself isn't necessarily wrong, but it may make him the wrong match for you. I think you need to think about what you need from a relationship in terms of communication.

You definitely shouldn't have let on that you had been snooping, that was never going to be a leisurely drop into conversation. And what does it matter how they know each other, its his past before he knew you. Sounds like the more you push this, the more strained its going to get with your partner. Learn to drop it or keep pressure and see what happens.

Both of you are allowed to have a past and have privacy with that if you like. Obsessing about his past is not healthy and is a way to go about someone being put off you. Insecurity isn't attractive either. Carry on like this and you can expect to be dumped for it.

The fact that he went crazy and accused you of stalking is a bit concerning to be honest. Let's face it, if he really had no feelings either way for this ex or for the colleague, then he wouldn't have been bothered that you'd looked them up, would he?

I’d have went crazy too, I’d be furious if my husband did this, it’s weird as fuck,and what are you trying to do, make her even more paranoid? For the shits and giggles`?