Am I a stalker?

[Paninaro94]

Been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years, we. are both divorced with grown up children. We don’t live together but we’re exclusive, have been on lots of holidays together and see each other a lot and are very happy with the situation. He had a few years of dating, both OLD and real-life, before he met me and he doesn’t like to talk about it in anything but the most general sense which is fine.

Last week he mentioned one of his colleagues in a story about work. I had heard him mention her before in passing but didn’t know much about and she has a fairly unusual first name her so found her on Facebook and had a quick nose. I saw the colleague is friends with a woman he dated before we met so the next time I saw him I asked how colleague and former date knew each other independently of him or through him. My boyfriend went crazy, accusing me of “stalking” and looking into his past. Really, I wasn’t. I’ve always thought there was more to his relationship with that woman (not the colleague) than he lets on as she knows (even if superficially) lots of members of his family and friends but he has always assured me that nothing much really happened, they were just sort of friends it was definitely over before we met. Whilst I do have an occasional look at her FB profile (everything is public) because I find her dramatic and amusing but it is literally a 2 minute look and then done.

My take on it is that the ex and the colleague both have pretty open Facebook pages which anyone can see and had they not wanted people to see what they are up to then they wouldn’t have changed the default settings. It literally took me less than one minute to see this information so it is hardly like I was digging back years into their profiles.

I’m upset at being called a stalker but also that he won’t tell me how the ex and the colleague know one another. He flat-out refuses to discuss anything to do with them at all. I now have a niggly feeling, one that I haven’t had before. that something isn’t right and there was a lot more to his relationship with the former date, perhaps even overlapping into ours.

Basically, am I making too much of this? Why won’t he tell me how they know one another?

No we all don’t do it. I have never looked up a partners exs or colleagues.

If you put your shit out on public social media it's there for the world to see.
If someone looks at it out of curiosity, it does not make them a stalker.

It’s not stalking in the criminal sense of the word, but I would call it “Facebook stalking”, yes.

I have occasionally looked up people that I used to go to school with or worked with in the past, just to see what they are doing. But I can honestly say I have never felt inclined to look up anybody from my husband’s past or any of his colleagues because he mentioned them in a story.

Me neither.

It's never occurred to me to do so and tbh I'm not interested!

My boyfriend went crazy, accusing me of “stalking” and looking into his past. Really, I wasn’t. I’ve always thought there was more to his

Tbf, you were.

I've occasionally clicked on people (male amd female) who've commented on my partner's fb posts (when ive been particulalrly bored!) and some of those have been mutual friends of his ex wife or people he met through his ex after her.

I certainly wouldn't be bothered by it or say anything though.

So what if one of his colleagues is friends with a woman he dated? I really can't see why this would be an issue anyway!

I'd possibly think it a bit odd if my partner looked up someone I know because I'd mentioned them in a story but if he challenged me on it simply because they were friends with an ex, I'd see that as a bit of a red flag tbh.

I don't think having a little nose around other people's Facebook accounts is the problem. I poke around a lot of social media accounts out of idle curiosity, I assume a lot of people do.

The problem is then asking your partner about people he specifically knows and making what you found about you and your relationship insecurity.

If my partner randomly brought up that he'd been poking around the social media of one of my colleagues and someone I used to date years ago... it'd feel more intrusive than if he'd been poking around the social media of people from his own life. It would feel like he was poking around my life, by proxy. By and large you should keep your Facebook snooping to yourself.

It is also beyond absurd to turn a bit of a Facebook snoop into a demand to know the details of their relationship from half a decade ago.

I really feel like I've missed something here, OP.

You're 49. He's probably a similar age/a bit older?

Of course he's going to have a past. Why does he need to share it or be open about it with you?

My partner mentions his ex wife because he was with her for 20 years and have childen together so stories around the children growing up come up quite often.

I was friends with his subsequent ex. I knew her well and he literally never mentions her. I have no idea about any of his previous relationships, exes, women he dated for a bit. Other than we went out last year and he saw a woman he'd dated when he was 18.

I don't talk about men I've dated either. There are just more interesting things to talk about.

If he's quite a private person, it probably does feel like am intrusion. I would think it was odd if partner looked up my fb friends to see which of my exes they were mutual friends of.

What specifically about it bothers you?

I do think that's a bit different tbh.

I’m also cringing at the old cool girls trope as a way to put down and silence women who don’t face book stalk their partners ex’s.

it simply smacks of I can’t formulate a cohesive argument, and I don’t like the fact people think this is stalking, as I do it, so I shall attack and hope they stop pointing it out.

Yes. It’s also completely mad. ‘I will call you misogynistic names because you’re not normalising paranoid territorialism and cyberstalking the SM of a female colleague your partner has occasionally mentioned’.

No it's not weird and you're not a stalker.... huge overreaction on his part. This is life now we have social media accounts as profiles to show people and they have their on public what's the point if not to look?

You showing an interest in him which is fine.

However, if you have a gut feeling that he's untrustworthy then you should listen to that and get away from him a bit.

I mean, if he thinks it's unusual to be that interested in his life then it stands to reason he is not that interested in your life which seems mismatched in a couple

So is he going to have a go at her for looking at you on Facebook?

I don't think you can separate his behaviour from your behaviour. You are more likely to do some 'stalking' if there is something in your relationship that's making you feel insecure. People get up to all sorts in the comfort of their own homes, and looking at the online presence of others in a slightly fretful way isn't the worst thing you could be doing. I think your DP should be stepping up and making you feel like a million bucks so you don't feel the impulse to look so much and you can give up a habit which isn't bringing either of you much joy.

THIS
No you’re definitely not a stalker.

Surely by now everyone knows that Facebook makes it so easy to explore connections etc., and make no bones about, most people do it at some point/I know people who do it a lot.

His attacking over-reaction isn’t a good sign to me at all. He’s obviously minimalised his relationship with her, and I would want to know why he had lied in the first place and why on earth it caused such a nasty overreaction.

I don’t know why but my feeling about this woman has always been off. There is literally no way they had something as casual as he claims and it’s that he feels the need to lie about it to me, or at least obfuscate, that makes me look at her page. I once asked if he had ever been to a certain place we were at before he said no and then a while later the woman in question posted a Facebook memory of them being there in 2019.

I learnt of her existence near the start of our relationship when he shared a screenshot of something she had sent him, with her name on it. I asked who she was and he said just a friend but it turned out he had met her on an OLD site. He said they quickly became more friends than anything else but I do wonder why he would feel the need to befriend an OLD match that he was not romantically interested in when he has plenty of friends anyway. I have met her twice (first time I didn’t know it was her til months later when she liked a photo of mine on FB) and she clearly knows his friends too. Contrary to what you might think, I have only asked him a few times about her but he point-blank refuses to discuss anything about her.

I’ve slept on it and decided I’m going to try my hardest not to mention her again. He’s only going to refuse to talk about her again so what would be the point? I think maybe our relationship overlapped with her at the beginning, which is fine as that’s how dating goes over here (the US. I am British, he is American).

We do have a great relationship, we get on well with each others’ families and I get along fine with his ex-wife who I have never had a flicker of jealousy about. I don’t want this to ruin everything so I will try and be done with it.

he point-blank refuses to discuss anything about her.

But he's entitled to do this/you're not entitled to know the full story. Maybe the full story brings up bad memories for him. Maybe it doesn't show him in a great light and he regrets some things. If you think that even if there was an overlap, it's still "fine" per US dating norms, I'm not sure why you need more info.

I've never told DP the full story of my most complicated relationship before him (and ensuing fallout) for a few reasons. Mostly because it'd be incredibly boring to tell in all its "there was this party and we were drunk, then there was that party and we were drunk" detail. Also because even though in my head it's a story of my own righteous anger in the face of an utter dickhead, I suspect that if I were to revisit it I might realise how petty and immature I'd been. I don't wish to do that!

I know several people who have dated people and it’s fizzled out into a friendship.

You don’t have a right to his full dating history and all the details. He has no obligation to give all the details.

You have asked him several times and he has made his stance clear. He doesn’t want to talk about it.

Unless you think he is carrying on with her now, I don’t see the issue.

You say you will try your hardest. That’s suggests this keeps coming up because you just can’t help yourself. If my partner kept bringing up and ex, I would get pissed off. And I wouldn’t believe that he happened to look a random colleague, went through their friends list and it happened to be a colleague who also knew this ex. I would be think my partner had gone through quite a lot of people looking for a connection so they could further question me. Then I would be really pissed off.

I don't think it's stalking at all. I think a lot of people do that but they might not then do follow up questions.
Yes, everyone had a past and some people might not like talking about it but, personally, I like to be transparent with my partner and expect the same in return.
The fact she like some of your posts also indicates there might be something else to it.
The fact you have a feeling and have caught him in a lie and he's being evasive is not actually something I'd ignore.
You have choices: continue to look sporadically (nothing too weird there imo), and mention it or not to him, stop looking, contact her for answers, tell him it's important to you he doesn't act evasively and suspiciously or drop it... there are probably other options too.
I guess it depends what you want. 🤷

I think it is a bit stalky but something I would also do so I'm not judging !

Your suspicion is probably correct that there was more to it. I'm getting friend zoned vibes, like he wanted there to be more to it but that's not what happened or the other way around. Still none of this has to have a barring on your current relationship.

You can look at who ever you want. Just don't talk about it 😂

It's weired you keep going back to their profiles. Stop doing that. Stop mentioning his his. It's doesn't matter what their relationship was actually like. He's said what he said. Believe him and move on or leave him and got some therapy.

So this changes everything for me! Why would she be looking on your Facebook page in the first place? Of course that is going to make you feel curious and maybe even a little insecure! The fact that your partner won't talk about it either isn't helping. I don't think it's stalkerish at all. I think if by looking at her page a few times a year makes you feel better what's the harm, it's not like you're sending her threatening messages or following her around a supermarket. I think everyone else is being far too harsh.

It’s not stalking in the criminal sense. iIt is perfectly normal to be curious about a partners previous relationships but it does seem like you have an unhealthy interest in the ‘dramatic’ ex. Your mistake was asking him how the women knew each other - you should have kept that to yourself. Why not come off fb and remove the temptation?

He's happy knowing that he hasn't been honest with you, his partner of 3 years, about this women.
He has said he won't talk and she wasn't important.
He went to places with her, which he said he had not visited when you went, and then she posted the memories on FB so them being together in the place was important to them.
He saw her at events and didn't say to you that his ex, who knows his family members so was a significant ex, was there.
I feel for you, this must feel worrying and I can see why you would look to try to find out if he's not being upfront about more things.

Yes, a bit "stalkerish" but everyone does it, they just don't admit to it! Keep on doing your research but just don't tell your OH.

To be quite Frank, it sounds like you brought this niggly feeling on yourself. I do consider looking at ex profiles to be stalking regardless of how open they are. Your partner has a right not to talk about his past and you have a right to choose to respect that which sound like you've decided not to do.