Am I a stalker?

[Paninaro94]

Been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years, we. are both divorced with grown up children. We don’t live together but we’re exclusive, have been on lots of holidays together and see each other a lot and are very happy with the situation. He had a few years of dating, both OLD and real-life, before he met me and he doesn’t like to talk about it in anything but the most general sense which is fine.

Last week he mentioned one of his colleagues in a story about work. I had heard him mention her before in passing but didn’t know much about and she has a fairly unusual first name her so found her on Facebook and had a quick nose. I saw the colleague is friends with a woman he dated before we met so the next time I saw him I asked how colleague and former date knew each other independently of him or through him. My boyfriend went crazy, accusing me of “stalking” and looking into his past. Really, I wasn’t. I’ve always thought there was more to his relationship with that woman (not the colleague) than he lets on as she knows (even if superficially) lots of members of his family and friends but he has always assured me that nothing much really happened, they were just sort of friends it was definitely over before we met. Whilst I do have an occasional look at her FB profile (everything is public) because I find her dramatic and amusing but it is literally a 2 minute look and then done.

My take on it is that the ex and the colleague both have pretty open Facebook pages which anyone can see and had they not wanted people to see what they are up to then they wouldn’t have changed the default settings. It literally took me less than one minute to see this information so it is hardly like I was digging back years into their profiles.

I’m upset at being called a stalker but also that he won’t tell me how the ex and the colleague know one another. He flat-out refuses to discuss anything to do with them at all. I now have a niggly feeling, one that I haven’t had before. that something isn’t right and there was a lot more to his relationship with the former date, perhaps even overlapping into ours.

Basically, am I making too much of this? Why won’t he tell me how they know one another?

There's nothing wrong with looking, more people don't than they care to admit. It's the bringing it up and quizzing that's a bit weird. Maybe just keep it to yourself.

If I do it it's because I'm blocking them straight after because of the cropping up in the people you may know bit. We all know those people have clicked on your profile for a nose at some point

I hope you apologised to him and said you wont do it again. I can understand the curiosity but he obviously doesn't like it so don't do it.

It’s a bit ridiculous that facebook stalking is sooo common yet admitting to it is a total no-no!

I think it’s more likely that she was stalking you, tbh. Why was she following you and liking your photos when you didn’t know her? Also sharing photos of him and her. She’s making a statement and stirring the pot.

It's not stalking. Nosy, perhaps....but then isn't that what most people are who have social media. If her profile is open....its about as much stalking as yoy reading an online article that you search for. Stalking is really only looked at like that if you became obsessed to the point of turning up at her work, her address and phoning her etc.

I don't think Ur a stalker, all the women I no have a nosey on things like that, there a joke there worse then MI5, I think it's a normal thing to do, wether its right or not I don't no but defo think its normal with people I no,,, its the go too thing to do if there's anythin niggling, i dont have social media for what ever reason any more an i dont have any interest in a man but if I had of been u id have done the same an not though id done anything wrong, makes me wonder why hes so cagey about it , if nothing why not just say x

I disagree with most replies. I wouldn't call what you did as stalking. A fleeting glimpse on FB is hardly stalking. Stalking involves harrassing someone in particular and in your case you simply looked up someone on a public profile, which ANYONE can do. What would be the point of FB if we couldn't look at friend's and stranger's profiles? Are we all stalking everytime we do this? I think not.

The reason I quoted the above as this shows the other side of the argument. It is entirely possibly your boyfriend is hiding something. So, your peek at FB could have led to a more significant find and you are within your rights to do this, especially if it is niggling you.

It doesn't sound like you have the most commited relationship on the planet, which is fine, but a couple should be able to have a rational and challenging conversation with one another without one of them flipping their lid. This is a natural defence mechanism which quickly turns into an attack and is a blatant diversion, and it worked! This time.

You clearly stepped into something he is hiding from you and his tactic was to discredit you and in essence it sounds like the beginning of gaslighting you, as you are now doubting your own reality and questioning whether you are a stalker. That is not the issue here, the issue is your concerns about your partner's relationship with a work colleague. Clearly you have deeper feelings for your boyfriend, hence why you are not 100% comfortable with recent events. You both should be able to talk about this rationally and without a change in demeanour (if he wasn't hiding anything). You should be able to communicate like adults about anything. Rationally and without judgement.

It obviously could be something and nothing, but he is hiding something. Perhaps it is nothing significant, but it is something. For your relationship to evolve and your peace of mind to improve, your communication ability between you both definitely needs improvement and this is the perfect example of why to bring this up. He needs challenging, but be prepare to pick up the toys he throws out the pram along the way.

I think people are being a bit harsh with their criticisms. Most people have done a bit of social media stalking now and again. 😂 It's not actual stalking, just a turn of phrase. You sound a bit insecure but it sounds like your boyfriend isn't helping to ease your concerns. YANBU

It's a bit weird that he flew off the handle.

Are you thinking the ex was more of a proper girlfriend that he introduced to colleagues? And that he's for some reason downplaying it?

He's the one making it into a big deal.

Yes, he has reacted too defensively.
Yes, you stalked his private life.

edited to add:
Both of you would benefit from sitting down and having a good talk about expectations at this phase of your relationship and examine your needs and insecurities honestly.

This whole thread is ridiculous. Looking at someone's FB page is not stalking!

She only looked at public pages.

Yes, but:
it's not about that. It's about boundaries for the bf and the need to know/confidence for the op.

OP ignore the Drama Llama's. It's called curiosity NOT STALKING ! I'm always curious stalking!
If people have their pics/posts unrestricted it's fair game! They're happy/confident/relaxed with what they post!
I'm always looking.
Facebook tells a story about a person.
Even companies can have a policy to search potential candidates Facebook posts/history. They want a gist of a person eg Fun/Judgemental/racist/political/family orientated/outdoorsy. Do you think this would be allowed if it was stalking?
ALL F/BOOK USERS CAN OPT OUT of accessible posts and can make some/all private. Colleague hasn't.
Mine is very limited, because I want it to be.
Her's isnt! KEEP LOOKING ! :)

Having a snoop privately is normal. However, I don't know why you snitched on yourself and made yourself look like a stalker. Tbf his reaction was a bit extreme. If there was nothing sinister going on, why would he care really. Sounds like he wants you on the outskirts.

It's absolutely not stalking. Ridiculous to call it that. Stalking is a crime. Snooping is what you were doing...on a wide open Facebook page.

Has anyone ever been prosecuted for looking at someone's Facebook profile...that had no privacy settings on it?

Edited to add that I've tagged the wrong person. It should have been @Lampslights

You can't put a line around public social media.

Not even snooping. Just looking!

Considering the op your quoting has first hand experience of stalking and works in the field I think their opinion carries more weight than yours. And that’s all your opinion is, an opinion. It’s not a definitive fact no matter how much you say it is and certainly not legally. I also think you could show more empathy towards her even if you disagree.

You aren't a stalker or a spy, what you did is normal. Just keep an eye on him and the woman if your intuition tells you something is weird it probably is.

Thanks all, I will certainly give my online behaviour more thought. My daughter is in her early twenties and finding out as much as you can about someone you’ve just met or you’re dating is almost a competitive sport between people of her age, I thought what I was doing was quite tame compared to that.

I apologised to OH for asking about his past when he clearly doesn’t want to talk about it and I have not mentioned it since (I know it’s only been a few days but it’s a start) We spent most of the weekend together and it was really lovely, it’s just when I’m on my own that my mind wanders and I even think to look on SM at his friends.

We don’t live together and do not have co-mingled finances but we are committed to one another and have a very happy and loving relationship and I don’t want to spoil that with my interest in his past so I’m determined not to. Perhaps I am ignoring his reluctance to talk about that part of his life but he will have his own reasons and they’re not overly my business, I’m learning.