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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partners ex has made contact with him

65 replies

ThisBrightFox · 04/03/2024 08:26

Small back story.. Partner's ex cheated on him, they had a full-blown second relationship so was all very sneaky and I met him two years later. It's been six years and we moved to his hometown, she lives close by so inevitable that we may see her. Partner has seen her a couple of times and has told me after and I'm surprised with all the social media stalking I did in the past that I didn't notice!! She was always with her partner and wouldn't even look at him.

Anyway, last week he bumped into her alone at our local shops and she was full of joy apparently and said "Hello" very enthusiastically and stopped to talk. He said hello and kept walking and when I asked him how he felt he said when he saw her his stomach dropped and felt angry that she expected him to stop and talk.

When he told me I said that's not the end of it she would be in touch. Lo and behold, he gets an email from her asking to meet up for a coffee...

She has a relationship and two children and I'm sure she knows that my partner has moved on and now has a child. Small town, she knows some mutual friends and social media would tell you as much. Partner told me and deleted the email and said he won't reply because he wants her to think he never got it but I wanted to email her and tell her to back off. My partner disagrees with this and says it will make it worse which I don't agree with and my irrational way of thinking at times makes me think he's worried about me contacting her.

I think she's cheeky for making contact considering how they ended plus the fact that everyone has well and truly moved on. Partner tried to say meeting for a coffee doesn't mean anything but I think C'mon, don't be naive... I do trust my partner but I've trusted before...

Anyway, would you make contact or just wait and see... I know this won't be the last time she makes contact and I'm sure she will make a point to run into him again. What would you do?

Seems like a very irrelevant problem considering a lot of stuff going on but it has been bothering me!

OP posts:
ZekeZeke · 04/03/2024 08:50

I think your partner sounds lovely, he has the right attitude.
You on the other hand sound unhinged. You want to email her and tell her to back off? Don't do that. You don't own a person.

WandaWonder · 04/03/2024 08:52

This is none of your business and she is nothing to do with you

He can do what he likes, you be jealous all you like it is not a good look

AnnetteKurtan · 04/03/2024 08:53

He’s doing the right thing imo

Lollypop701 · 04/03/2024 08:55

If your partner is going to cheat he will. You can’t stop him. Doesn’t sound like he Will though, he’s been open with you.

emailing her will make it worse, she will show it to people, including mutual friends, and you will be the person sounding unhinged. Don’t do it

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/03/2024 08:57

Whaaat?! Why would you get involved?! Leave him to it, he deleted the email, just ignore her. She’s got issues of one sort of another but they don’t threaten you or your family.

CwmYoy · 04/03/2024 08:58

You need to back off and leave it to him. You sound a bit irrational.

ThisBrightFox · 04/03/2024 09:08

Yes yes, I am aware of how irrational I am being and my partner is fully aware of this personality trait. Thankfully he understands!

However, it does bother me and in my opinion, it is my business now just as it would be his business if it was the other way around!!

OP posts:
ZekeZeke · 04/03/2024 09:19

ThisBrightFox · 04/03/2024 09:08

Yes yes, I am aware of how irrational I am being and my partner is fully aware of this personality trait. Thankfully he understands!

However, it does bother me and in my opinion, it is my business now just as it would be his business if it was the other way around!!

You need to re read the responses to your OP.
Stop being so defensive.
Carry on the way you are and you will push your partner away.

Bitsiemcgee · 04/03/2024 09:22

If anyone told you me to back off, I'd think they were insane

ThisBrightFox · 04/03/2024 09:28

I'm not being defensive I'm just responding... I had a feeling asking this question on this site would bring negativity. There's no community here at all and for some people like me who have nobody else to ask for advice, it's the wrong place as I can see now! I don't expect people to agree but some advice other than calling me irrational or unhinged when I very well could be mentally unwell for all you know! (I said in my post I was being irrational) But as people, we have flowing thoughts that we can't always control and sometimes react to certain situations irrationally. Mumsnet is only for people who have 100% control of their thoughts and never put a foot out of line!!

OP posts:
SpacePotato · 04/03/2024 09:29

He deleted the email.
She will try again. We all know it.

He just needs to ignore her. Meeting her for coffee would be a really stupid idea on his part and completely unnecessary.
Why would he want to open old wounds or have a 'friendship' with someone who clearly wasn't that arsed about him whilst she was shagging another man.

ThisBrightFox · 04/03/2024 09:30

Bitsiemcgee · 04/03/2024 09:22

If anyone told you me to back off, I'd think they were insane

Well, I wasn't going to say back off.. more like what do you want with him now after all this time but obviously, I'm not going to do that as my partner would have to section me!!!!

OP posts:
ClutchingOurBananas · 04/03/2024 09:31

Honestly, I’m more worried that you’ve somehow managed to completely ignore how your partner may be feeling and are making this all about you - your feelings, your territory.

His ex cheated on him and the relationship ended. That must have been awful for him. Now she’s bouncing up to him expecting cheerful chatter and emailing him about going for coffee. Maybe think about he feels about any of this rather than all this nonsense about emailing her to tell her to back off.

ThisBrightFox · 04/03/2024 09:33

SpacePotato · 04/03/2024 09:29

He deleted the email.
She will try again. We all know it.

He just needs to ignore her. Meeting her for coffee would be a really stupid idea on his part and completely unnecessary.
Why would he want to open old wounds or have a 'friendship' with someone who clearly wasn't that arsed about him whilst she was shagging another man.

Yes! She will try again, I've listened to how obsessed she got after she realised she wanted him back and she would email, text, and call 100 times a day!

OP posts:
Traumdeuter · 04/03/2024 09:33

Your partner seems to be approaching this really sensibly and like someone who has truly moved on and made peace with the situation, despite moving to somewhere where the opportunity to run into his ex has increased. Leave him to it and do not get involved.

stealthninjamum · 04/03/2024 09:35

Op if you get in touch with her it’ll be evidence to her that he wants her back and you’re stopping it. She’ll try even harder.

just ignore it. So what if she contacts him again? He’ll just ignore it again. She’ll get bored and give up. If you reply it’ll create drama to her.

stanners2012 · 04/03/2024 09:35

I have been best friends with this girl for 38 years since school along with another friend. . She’s always been a tricky character and me and our other friend didn’t see her for over ten years. When we got back in touch we hit it off straight away. She had a disabled daughter and two other girls. I’ve got two children. We all got on so well. I moved near her. Helped her out with her daughters and elderly mother. I have been a good friend to her for many years supporting her. However when I moved near her. She started treating me different. Using me a bit I felt at times. Putting me down. Cancelling with no explanation. Passive aggressive messages if I went out with other friends without her. She had fallen out with both her sisters and said terrible things about them. I supported her during the family fall out. I supported her sister and mother who were all upset. Then her daughter died and I was there virtually every way that was possible. I broke the the news to the grandmother and sisters about the daughter dying. I’ve helped look after the family in the aftermath. Then she reconnected with her sister who also moved near her. I was then pretty much dropped by her. She only contacted me if she needed something or was bored. Her mum then sadly died. She obviously spent more time with her sister. So I backed off as she needed to be with her sisters and she stopped seeing me as much. But if she saw or heard I had been out with other people she would sent me not very nice messages. Then I would get the silent treatment. Over the years she’s been very judgmental on me. Said not very nice things. Tried to start arguments. I always apologise even when there is no reason for me to apologise. and try and bring her back round. This latest incident she hasn’t spoken to me for 4 months. I’ve tried to engage in conversation on our group chat with our other best friend. But she ignores me and only engages with our other friend. This is all over me being invited to someone’s birthday party and she wasn’t invited. . Would you believe we are 50 years old. I lost my mum too a few years ago and my mental health is rock bottom and I cannot take this anymore and I have walked away. Deleted our group chat. Our other friend has tried to mediate saying I need to offer the olive branch as we know what she’s like and won’t do it. I’ve always been the one that is there for my friends. I’m the one they come too. I’m the one that is there. But I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to offer an olive branch. I know she’s been through a lot but I don’t deserve this treatment anymore. The thing is I feel guilty. And the other friend is cross that I have walked away and I should be trying to rectify it. But if I do rectify it. It will happen again this treatment from her won’t ever stop. But I do feel incredibly guilty. I’ve never let a friend down before.

terfinthewild · 04/03/2024 09:36

ThisBrightFox · 04/03/2024 09:08

Yes yes, I am aware of how irrational I am being and my partner is fully aware of this personality trait. Thankfully he understands!

However, it does bother me and in my opinion, it is my business now just as it would be his business if it was the other way around!!

I don't think you are being irrational at all. If my husbands ex did that I'd be outside her house like Karen from goodfellas asking wtf she is interfering with my family.. luckily my husband is the rational one.

Tbf it sounds like your boyfriend is a good egg. Just keep an eye on the situation and give him lots of attention and good times. Make sure he knows what side his bread is buttered.

ThisBrightFox · 04/03/2024 09:36

ClutchingOurBananas · 04/03/2024 09:31

Honestly, I’m more worried that you’ve somehow managed to completely ignore how your partner may be feeling and are making this all about you - your feelings, your territory.

His ex cheated on him and the relationship ended. That must have been awful for him. Now she’s bouncing up to him expecting cheerful chatter and emailing him about going for coffee. Maybe think about he feels about any of this rather than all this nonsense about emailing her to tell her to back off.

Of course, I've asked him how he feels about it and he has told me we are clear communicators.. I'm aware of how much he hurt after so but if he did want to meet her to get some closure I honestly don't know how I would feel.. honestly I don't think I'd be okay with it!

OP posts:
SpacePotato · 04/03/2024 09:38

The thing is op, by you contacting her, she will likely be happy that it's rattled you, that he must be thinking about her, and to see it as a challenge.

She clearly thinks as little of her current partner as she did of your BF when she was cheating on him.

The best thing to do, which everyone has told you already, is to ignore her. Every time.

He needs to not even read the emails. Just delete them or block her. Because by reading them it's sucking you both into her game.

applesandmares · 04/03/2024 09:39

It might be that she feels very awkward about what happened and wants to resolve it seeing as you'll all be bumping into each other regularly. I wouldn't jump to the assumption that she wants him back, considering she has a new partner and cheated on him when she was with him anyway!

I don't think you should email her, but I don't think you're crazy for being pissed off about it. I agree with you that it is your business! I'd ignore for now and if she continues to reach out, maybe your partner can let her know himself that he isn't interested in chatting.

nfkl · 04/03/2024 09:40

Real power doesn't foam at the mouth

Whattodo112222 · 04/03/2024 09:40

You've a partner who is a green flag. You're creating all of the red flags with your responses:

Jealous
Irrational
Obsessive
Stalking

......

ThisBrightFox · 04/03/2024 09:41

I would love to be this person honestly but I obviously have some work to do lol

OP posts:
DrJoanAllenby · 04/03/2024 09:41

Your being so full on and controlling is likely to put a squeeze on him and make him yearn to escape.

It sounds like he has to report his every move to you.

Why did he tell you that he saw her out and about and she said hello?

You would never have known if he hadn't told you which makes me wonder if he either wanted to wind you up or he's scared of you and had to report it in case you did find out and he'd be in trouble.

Your relationship doesn't sound too good.

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