Partners ex has made contact with him

[ThisBrightFox]

Small back story.. Partner's ex cheated on him, they had a full-blown second relationship so was all very sneaky and I met him two years later. It's been six years and we moved to his hometown, she lives close by so inevitable that we may see her. Partner has seen her a couple of times and has told me after and I'm surprised with all the social media stalking I did in the past that I didn't notice!! She was always with her partner and wouldn't even look at him.

Anyway, last week he bumped into her alone at our local shops and she was full of joy apparently and said "Hello" very enthusiastically and stopped to talk. He said hello and kept walking and when I asked him how he felt he said when he saw her his stomach dropped and felt angry that she expected him to stop and talk.

When he told me I said that's not the end of it she would be in touch. Lo and behold, he gets an email from her asking to meet up for a coffee...

She has a relationship and two children and I'm sure she knows that my partner has moved on and now has a child. Small town, she knows some mutual friends and social media would tell you as much. Partner told me and deleted the email and said he won't reply because he wants her to think he never got it but I wanted to email her and tell her to back off. My partner disagrees with this and says it will make it worse which I don't agree with and my irrational way of thinking at times makes me think he's worried about me contacting her.

I think she's cheeky for making contact considering how they ended plus the fact that everyone has well and truly moved on. Partner tried to say meeting for a coffee doesn't mean anything but I think C'mon, don't be naive... I do trust my partner but I've trusted before...

Anyway, would you make contact or just wait and see... I know this won't be the last time she makes contact and I'm sure she will make a point to run into him again. What would you do?

Seems like a very irrelevant problem considering a lot of stuff going on but it has been bothering me!

This is nothing to do with you, truly. Your partner is doing the right thing. What are you doing to address your insecurity and anger issues?

You can have irrational inner or initial responses, and not act on them.

How he handles this is up to your partner. A relationship ending due to infidelity doesn’t mean the people involved have to have a grievance at one another for the rest of their lives. The long marriage of two friends of ours ended because he had an affair. She was gutted and bitter for some time, unsurprisingly. Both are remarried now, and have an amiable relationship where they meet for an occasional coffee if she’s in town. Her second husband isn’t hissing ‘back off!’ at her first.

Your partner clearly doesn’t feel this way, but it’s his choice how to handle any overtures.

Umm sorry.. what? No there is no control here and you're right he didn't have to tell me at all but he chose to. Unfortunately, I didn't have the remote to control his brain and force him to tell me!

However, I did use it to make him marry and have children with me so I get where you're coming from!!

You’ve asked him - but you’re still making it all about how you feel.

If you are struggling to trust him because you’ve been cheated on in the past, then you need to address your own insecurity. Trying to control his behaviour (and his ex’s) is not the answer here.

Is he your partner or your husband?

OP, you're clearly quite stressed about the appearance of this woman back in your life. You knew this could be a possibility when you moved so locally to her as you've said you've seen how she gets when she wanted him back.

Your DH has put the brakes on, deleted the email and has no interest in responding but you still think she's going to worm her way in somehow and make him want to. If it's not a trust thing with your DH, you absolutely believe she's so amazing and can easily manipulate your husband.

It's on him to tell her to back off and that he's not interested, not you. Baring your teeth via email won't scare away someone predatory to your marriage and you have to rely that your DH will continue shutting down any hope of reconciliation. If you can't rely on that, you don't really have a marriage.

How have I controlled his behavior? Yes, I reacted when she emailed I did stop what I was doing and said WTF and discussed with him what could she want but I've never said "noway, you aren't meeting her" because if he wanted to I would fret but if thats what he needed then fine.

This makes no sense. She cheated on him, he moved on. He didn't go back to her when she sent him the messages previously. He hasn't engaged with her since. She has now sent him an email. He has ignored the email.

I can't see a single thing that it is in the slightest bit worth getting worked up about here.

You're right, thank you!

plus the fact that everyone has well and truly moved on

It seems that not everyone has well and truly moved on. I'm sorry that this is challenging for you, your DH sounds like he's dealing with it very well without your help though.

Maybe view this as a sensitive spot you have and deal with that, rather than him or her doing anything that needs your input right now.

OP, I agree that you shouldn't contact her, but the next time she asks your DH to meet up, suggest he says yes and that you will be joining them!

That's a good idea.

I can see now I won't be contacting her!

What do you mean by there’s no community here? A significant number of people trying to hold you back from acting in an unhelpful way is exactly what you need.

Acknowledging your reaction is irrational doesn’t mean you get to act on it anyway. It’s a bit “I’m mad me, I know it so I’ve got carte blanche to behave like he’s my property, you were warned”.

There’s nothing to lol about either. You can’t control this woman. Pity her for still being hung up on someone she was with ages ago and treated badly. You can’t control your partner. You can control yourself, choose not to get involved with this silly sideshow and focus on what’s good in your own life.

wow people are rude.why do ppl bother replying if its just to be nasty. For their information, lots of women would get cross , that's your man and don't apologise to the judges on here for feeling anxious about this woman. Erm why is she emailing him?? She's out of line here. I doubt you would have actually emailed her. You were probably just venting. Normal behaviour. Lots of women would feel the same but i accept lots wouldn't too but it doesn't mean you are trying to control him. Sorry i didn't read the rest of your posts because the replies are stressing me out. 🤦‍♀️ try not to worry, I think it will be fine.. and worse ways I'll email her to back off for you (I'm kidding of course before all the judges come for me) wishing you all the best. X

Aww I hear you too!

It sounds as though her sudden reappearance (and someone who in the past caused you a lot of concern) has made you feel unsafe and your instinct is to protect your relationship and your little family. I have no time for her behaviour btw it’s dodgy.

But I agree with the vast majority of posters on one thing, I’m afraid it’s on him to protect this time and I believe he’s doing that brilliantly.

You’re not controlling or any other nonsense. You’re just nervous but it’s important you put your trust in your partner to deal with this in his own way.

Keep those lines of communication open between you - good luck!

I think youve had a knee jerk reaction. Sometimes we think things but it doesn’t mean we actually would. A little advice and time to calm down and realise your DH has handled it well is all it took!
hope you now feel reassured.

This is quite astounding, op. You’re so jealous you’ve lost control of yourself. Nothing has happened here, and you wanted to email her and tell her to back off. Is there any part of you can see how irrational and out of control this was?

I understand you’re not going to do it, but I think I’d focus on how easily you lost the capability of rational thought here,and wanted to behave in this manner, see what’s at rhe root of it and try to address it.

Hi OP, being honest it's a massive green flag that he told you about it. Her intentions could be good but I doubt it.
I understand the reaction of wanting to contact her to say back off, it's a kinda 'I know what you're up to' thing. However, you would regret it. I would just make sure that if I ever saw her I locked eyes with her and smiled.
Keep being open with your partner and communicating and best of luck xx

Wow, what a stretch your post was of the situation. 🙄Unless op comes back to tell us she's thrown eggs all over the woman's car or something similar i think it's safe to say op hasn't lost control

Totally agree with you. However, you are playing into ex's hands by not trusting your partner and risk alienating him. He doesn't need your insecurities in addition to contending with his cheating ex.

Concentrate on being the best partner you can. If he's going to get an ear bashing every time he comes home, he will likely start hiding things from you.

I certainly wouldn't bother contacting the Ex, she's an ex for a reason and he already knows it.

Your partner needs to reply and state that he has moved on and his perfectly happy with his life and has no interest in any kind of relationship with her, requesting that she doesn’t contact him again.

He really doesn’t, that’s his choice, not yours.

I think for now he has done the right thing. If the messages continue, I think the next right thing is to reply stating I have ignored your messages however as they are continuing, I’d like to let you know I have no interest in any conversation or friendship. Please do not contact me. This is just boundaries and respect for the relationship he is currently in. He sounds like a decent guy and will likely come to this conclusion himself. I think how you’re feeling is natural from your past experiences. Sorry you haven’t had any constructive advice just backlash. Keep talking to your husband, he seems to get you and accept you. ❤️

@ThisBrightFox I'd also be furious with this woman if I was in your position. However, I wouldn't be upset with my partner, in fact, I'd be really pleased he'd told me everything and I'd be very sympathetic to how he must be feeling, memories of unhappy times being dredged up, the shock of this woman contacting him etc. Ultimately, it's his call as it was his ex and if he just wants to delete emails from her and not engage with her then that's what should happen and you have to leave it at that. Surely she'll get the message if he doesn't reply? I'd just put her out of your mind and concentrate on your relationship with your partner (although if I saw her in the supermarket I'd glare at her!).

Sounds like your partner isn't giving this woman the time of day and quite rightly so.

I am sorry you are coming across as quite unstable and bordering on controlling. If the roles were reverse and your partner was behaving in such a manner we would be telling you about red flags and to ltb. Honestly the best thing you can do is respect your dp wishes and perhaps seek some help for yourself and your behaviour around this issue