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Original poster

Feeling like dp dislikes who I am naturally

78 replies

Henala91 · 03/03/2024 23:10

Just looking for some insight into my situation.

I have been with my dp for 9 years, we have 2 dc and are late 20s. My issue is, I feel like he hates who I naturally am…

there are many things I do that seem to really bother him, these things don’t seem big issues to me but they are to him and most of them are just the way I am and can’t help it.

for example, he is very particular with things (I feel like he could have ocd but I’m not sure) and if I don’t do things to his standard of what he believes is the right way, or how things should be done, then he will tell me I’m dumb and useless. It could be something small such as this morning he had seen a pair of my leggings drying on the clothes rack, he got very annoyed that I had washed a pair of leggings after only wearing them once (because he believes it was too soon, usually I would have worn them a few times but clearly there was a reason they needed to be washed sooner).

this is one small example, of many things that he picks out, and he will blame the fact that I was the last born child in my family and say I was babied etc.

he is constantly referring to me being ‘dumb’ and that I do things ‘half hearted’ and how he has to be my ‘line manager’ and tell me what to do, make me take accountability, has to double check things as he can’t rely on me to do a job properly etc. I know I am not dumb, I have many qualifications and have been quite advanced compared to others I have studied with so I know academically I’m not stupid. I also feel I have a lot of common sense, I am very independent and don’t struggle with anything so how could I be dumb? It seems he only refers to this due to him believing things should be done how he thinks they should be.

because of these things he says it’s just ‘who I am’ and that he will have to learn to adapt to me as I won’t be able to change as it’s inbred in me/how I’ve been raised. When I compare myself to others I honestly don’t think these things he points out are a big deal, but if I told him that it will only give him more reason to make me feel like it’s because I’m lazy and have been raised a certain way that’s not to his standard.

there are other things, I am quite young spirited for my age, I’m very mature but I like to be silly and have my fun/childish side and I’m quite innocent. I know he likes the fact I’m very innocent and sweet naturally, I genuinely can’t help that’s how I am naturally and even if I tried I just can’t change my spirit which is very calm, kind, young, innocent etc. but there are times he’ll also make me feel like he doesn’t like that part of me. He will call me a child, tell me I never grew up, I’m ‘stuck’ back in time etc.

it has just gotten to a point where I just feel he hates my natural self. He will tell me he loves me but his actions and words sometimes make me feel like he doesn’t genuinely like the real me. It seems to me that my natural self annoys him, I feel like everything I do just irritates him.

OP posts:

WoodBurningStov · 03/03/2024 23:19

He sounds bloody awful. Controlling, verbally abusive and a fun sponge to boot.

We don't have to love everything about our partners, but even at our worst I'd never call my dh dumb or a child.

Picklestop · 03/03/2024 23:19

Unfortunately I would have to agree with you. It doesn’t seem like he does like you. You are only in your 20s, you don’t need to settle for a man that has no respect for you and keeps belittling you.

Catoo · 03/03/2024 23:26

He sounds like a twat OP

Do you tell him not to talk to you like that? Do you tell him you can wash your clothes whenever the fuck you like?
Do you tell him that if he calls you dumb just one more time you are done?

If by sweet and innocent you mean you don’t stand up for yourself, then it’s time to knock it off and get serious about commanding some respect from the bullying arsehole. I mean either that or LTB.

CatOnTheLap · 03/03/2024 23:27

What a nasty man you live with. If you have a daughter, and her “D”P spoke to her like that, how would that make you feel? Would you think it was acceptable? No, you wouldn’t, because it’s not acceptable behaviour towards one’s partner.

EmmaEmerald · 03/03/2024 23:28

He doesn’t like you but I suspect he will treat any partner badly

bin

Giggorata · 03/03/2024 23:29

Who the fuck does he think he is?

ItsallIeverwanted · 03/03/2024 23:30

He's nasty, calling you nasty names. I hope the children can't hear these nasty names, I expect they can though if he's berating you constantly about being yourself and how you do things around the house. He's verbally abusive and just awful, so you won't ever please him, all you can do is remove yourself and hope he doesn't start on the children. Sorry, OP.

DownTheBackoftheSofa · 03/03/2024 23:30

He sounds controlling and jealous. Trying to put you down and belittle you for small things is very petty of him.. and you'll never see it coming because it could literally be anything. This is not a good man to be in a relationship with in your 20s. Imagine him as he gets older.. constantly nitpicking and calling you dumb. He needs to work on his own issues and self esteem rather than trying to destroy yours. You sound lovely and normal. He sounds mean spirited and unkind.

Pigeonqueen · 03/03/2024 23:31

If someone calls you dumb it’s abusive and they do not love you. End of. You need to leave him, it’s going to destroy your self esteem otherwise.

AgentJohnson · 03/03/2024 23:45

You aren’t the ‘problem’, he is but because he’s such an arsehole he will never admit to it.

Garlicking · 03/03/2024 23:55

@Henala91, this is by Lundy Bancroft:

The abusive man learns early in life, from his surrounding society and beyond, that when he becomes an adult he has the right to swallow a female whole, and that in this way he will fill the vast emptiness inside of him and feel empty no more. He learns that the female of his choosing owes him her life entire in this fashion, that it would be wrong of her to fail to sacrifice her life and herself in this way. Not only that, but he learns that this self-erasure will be her greatest joy.

He gets these messages all over the place, from his own unhealthy relatives all the way up to police responses, courts, and Disney movies.

All of what he learns is a lie. It is a moral lie, meaning it’s a lie about what’s right and what’s wrong; no woman’s life should ever by martyred to fill a man’s (or anyone’s) emptiness. But not only should this not be done, it also cannot be done. Thus it is not only a moral lie but also a lie about the nature of reality. A human being cannot be vacuumed into the inside of another person and become part of that person, in some kind of twisted reversal of the birth process.

It’s absurd that it’s even necessary for me to state this.

The abusive man hates the woman for continuing to exist outside of him. No matter how hard she may try, in her terror and in her trauma, to disappear inside of him, she simply cannot do it. (And if she gets some support in her life, she may even attempt to refuse to continue trying.) He hates her for this, for still being there, because he was taught that to disappear inside of him is her unlimited obligation and will make him whole.

When you find yourself wondering why the abuser hates you – as most abused women do at one point or another – this is why: because you continue to breathe, because you have skin, because you eat food and then move with the energy of that food, because by getting out of bed and standing up in the morning you have once again demonstrated your failure to become him.

Though he blames his hatred on your characteristics — your supposed failings, that is — these have absolutely nothing to with it. It has only to do with the fact of your continued being. He will only forgive you when he finally succeeds in cleaving you into pieces and vacuuming those pieces into his interior, which he will of course never be able to do.

So I encourage you to stop wondering if it was this thing about you or that thing about you, this thing you said or that thing you did, this thing you set off in him or that thing you brought up in him, which caused him to come to hate you. What’s going on with him has nothing to do with you at all, it’s entirely about him and about his society.

I pray that you find a way to get beyond the reach of his cleaver, beyond the sucking pull of his vacuum hose.

And I pray that you find a world that will permit and accept your escape.

Bancroft's eye-opening book is called Why Does He Do That?

HollyKnight · 04/03/2024 01:33

Do your children hear him belittling you like that? Be careful what you are teaching them by raising them in an environment where their father shows no respect for their mother.

mathanxiety · 04/03/2024 01:49

Your husband is abusing you.

He doesn't love you. He doesn't even like you.

He's in the relationship because it gives him the chance to insult you and belittle you every time he feels like yanking your chain.

Pinkfrlls · 04/03/2024 01:56

Who monitors how often you wash your leggings? The only thing inbred in anybody seems to be his awful behaviour. I am ADHD and my husband is on the ASD spectrum. We rub along. I think my husband would probably like me to be tidier, I'd like if he could bring himself to throw stuff out more. We have a cleaner and I have certain minimum standards for myself and he lets me throw out stuff so we don't live in a hovel crammed with stuff. We don't abuse each other about our different approaches.

He sounds absolutely vile. Do you think that most men go round calling their wives stupid, telling their wives that they can't rely on them to do things properly and that he is going to be your line manager? How can your children respect either of you with this carry on. I sincerely hope you have the financial capacity to leave this man.

For what it's worth, I am a line manager and I do it without the abuse he is dishing out to you. Yes, I might point out that something needs to be done or it's late or whatever. I might discuss how we could avoid something happening in future. I don't call people names or abuse them. If I did, they'd leave. I suggested you do the same thing and resign from your post as whipping boy.

pikkumyy77 · 04/03/2024 02:21

Leave him. He hates you. Your spouse should love you. All of you.

ShrubRose · 04/03/2024 02:28

OP, if you haven't already, I would seek supportive counseling in preparation for leaving this relationship. Everything all the PPs have said is true and valid and you deserve a loving relationship with a man who is capable of respecting women.

Lwrenn · 04/03/2024 03:30

If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, get it in a row x

cannonlc · 04/03/2024 03:32

Sounds like you're cool and he's determined to break your spirit because you're better than he is !
Speaking from experience

MouseMama · 04/03/2024 04:57

It sounds like he resents you and doesn’t particularly like you. It’s so weird criticising the way you do laundry! You’re an adult and what difference does it make if you chuck some leggings into the wash? Such odd unnecessary micromanaging.

I think you should leave. I think you’ll be happier and flourish as a person without him dragging you down. You’ve outgrown the relationship having been together since you were children (or very young adults).

I bet he’ll make leaving hard though. He probably loves the idea of you just doesn’t know how to actually love you.

TotalAbsenceOfImperialRaiment · 04/03/2024 05:57

Why are you even trying to please this patronising jerk?

2catsandhappy · 04/03/2024 07:20

He sounds like my ex.

You seem like a good person @Henala91 and your 'd'p doesn't really have anything to actually complain about. So he picks on trivial details and blows them up into big deals. You get confused and flustered and he gets to strut about telling you that if you just tried harder, listened to him more, obeyed him, then there wouldn't be this conflict.
If you wore your leggings for a week, he would manufacture something else to correct your behaviour on.
There is no pleasing this type, ever. He will never be happy and he will never change.
I hope you get away from him and realise it is him not you.

SpringleDingle · 04/03/2024 07:22

He needs to go… there’s nothing wrong with you, but him on the other hand - he’s awful!!

determinedtomakethiswork · 04/03/2024 07:56

Use the intelligence and common sense you have to get rid of this awful man.

SamW98 · 04/03/2024 08:01

He’s an abusive cunt. Why would you tolerate being spoken to and treated like shit by this loser?

Get your ducks in a row and get out. Before long your DC will be old enough to think this is how men are allowed to treat their partners. Is that really what you want for their future?

WalkingaroundJardine · 04/03/2024 08:19

He must have conditioned you so much to this nasty name calling for you to wonder if maybe he just doesn’t accept the natural you.

Probably like many women in this situation you are going to struggle to accept its abusive. I would start opening up to your family and friends about how he treats you. Watch their reaction and it will tell you it’s not normal to be treated like that by a loving partner.

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