Feeling like dp dislikes who I am naturally

[Henala91]

Just looking for some insight into my situation.

I have been with my dp for 9 years, we have 2 dc and are late 20s. My issue is, I feel like he hates who I naturally am…

there are many things I do that seem to really bother him, these things don’t seem big issues to me but they are to him and most of them are just the way I am and can’t help it.

for example, he is very particular with things (I feel like he could have ocd but I’m not sure) and if I don’t do things to his standard of what he believes is the right way, or how things should be done, then he will tell me I’m dumb and useless. It could be something small such as this morning he had seen a pair of my leggings drying on the clothes rack, he got very annoyed that I had washed a pair of leggings after only wearing them once (because he believes it was too soon, usually I would have worn them a few times but clearly there was a reason they needed to be washed sooner).

this is one small example, of many things that he picks out, and he will blame the fact that I was the last born child in my family and say I was babied etc.

he is constantly referring to me being ‘dumb’ and that I do things ‘half hearted’ and how he has to be my ‘line manager’ and tell me what to do, make me take accountability, has to double check things as he can’t rely on me to do a job properly etc. I know I am not dumb, I have many qualifications and have been quite advanced compared to others I have studied with so I know academically I’m not stupid. I also feel I have a lot of common sense, I am very independent and don’t struggle with anything so how could I be dumb? It seems he only refers to this due to him believing things should be done how he thinks they should be.

because of these things he says it’s just ‘who I am’ and that he will have to learn to adapt to me as I won’t be able to change as it’s inbred in me/how I’ve been raised. When I compare myself to others I honestly don’t think these things he points out are a big deal, but if I told him that it will only give him more reason to make me feel like it’s because I’m lazy and have been raised a certain way that’s not to his standard.

there are other things, I am quite young spirited for my age, I’m very mature but I like to be silly and have my fun/childish side and I’m quite innocent. I know he likes the fact I’m very innocent and sweet naturally, I genuinely can’t help that’s how I am naturally and even if I tried I just can’t change my spirit which is very calm, kind, young, innocent etc. but there are times he’ll also make me feel like he doesn’t like that part of me. He will call me a child, tell me I never grew up, I’m ‘stuck’ back in time etc.

it has just gotten to a point where I just feel he hates my natural self. He will tell me he loves me but his actions and words sometimes make me feel like he doesn’t genuinely like the real me. It seems to me that my natural self annoys him, I feel like everything I do just irritates him.

Reading your post sent shivers through me. I used to date someone jus t like this. Luckily we didn't get married nor have kids else I'd probably still be with him too. He's telling you that you're dumb and he needs to line manage you so that he can wear you down, so that you'll believe that you can't cope without him and therefore you'll stay, despite his behaviour being atrocious.
It will probably take a while, but keep coming back and reading these comments, every women here has either been there or knows someone who has and is willing you on to break free of this nasty, controlling piece of work.

He's an abusive control freak.

He sounds like he needs psychological help.

A lot of it.

Probably won't change him much though.

This is an extremely unhealthy (abusive) relationship he's created. He's got you going along with this, in spite of it being so unhealthy and nuts.

This.

Why would you call him over 70 times!??? I'd he back yet.

Honestly I'd ask him to leave, he doesn't respect you. Is the house in both names?

Different people can have different standards/methods for doing things. For example, I cook, eat then wash up (don’t want my food going cold), while dp washes up as he goes along. My method frustrates him.

However, always belittling you, nit picking etc is wearing and undermining.

What happens if you fight back and justify your position, or insist that your method works for you?

You really have three options. Accept the status quo, make changes (ie adapt to his way or get him to adapt it to yours) or to leave.

You have been together for 9 years , with presumably 2 young kids and he took a bag and stalked off in the night in his pjs ?
How pathetic of him .

Dump this manipulative weirdo before he sucks all joy out of you .

If you are not going to dump him , which is more likely from your post , start sticking up for yourself and be unapologetically yourself .

Has he come back?

I would think if he gone in his pyjamas then he had gone somewhere where he would be very comfortable to go into that house dressed like that and that would make me think of another woman. Not only that, another woman that he had been seeing for quite a long time.

Btw he wouldn't like the way anyone is naturally.

He's a freak with ishoos.

But most importantly he's abusive.

He’s an abusive manipulative wanker who has made you question and doubt yourself and pander to his every whim.

He's got you stressed and chasing him and probably smirking at the worry he’s causing you.

He knows exactly what he’s doing OP. Please ask yourself why you’re allowing him to treat you like this. What you you say to your daughter if a man was doing this to her?

He knows how to get you to dance to his tune and won’t stop because he’s getting exactly the reaction he wants from you.

The power is in your haves - YOU have to take back control and kick his controlling arse out the door.

He's trying to get a reaction out of you so don't give him one.

I wouldn't have a clue how many times the 4 (DH and 3DC) other people in my family would wear a pair of leggings before putting them in the wash. No clue at all. He's abnormal.

Did he come back??

Will you leave him OP? Because you must. Take care of yourself.

Sorry for the late reply, I am reading through the responses.

he came back around 4 hours later, refused to tell me where he had been (eventually next day he told me he sat in the lounge area of another building to clear his head). When he came home I snapped which I never do as he was refusing to tell me.

the next day he acted fine with me, tried talking to me normally, making sexual comments, singing love songs to me, gave me a hug before he went to work. When he came home it was back to ignoring me.

he left me alone all week, did everything he could to avoid me, came home last midnight one night, stayed in the bedroom away from me when he was home, refused to help me take dc to their clubs when we he usually does.

on the Friday, after trekking on busses after school with the dc, we got home and he was watching tv and ordered himself a Chinese - nothing for us/me! he then went straight to the bedroom as soon as I came home.

Saturday evening he got the dc to give me a card and cake for Mother’s Day. He didn’t come near me, I said thank you but he didn’t respond. Sunday (Mother’s Day) he went to work at 8am and didn’t come home until 9pm. He finished probably around 5pm but chose to go to the sauna/swimming luxury time for himself after. He didn’t verbally say the words ‘happy mothers day’ and didn’t even text it to me. I spent the day cleaning, trekking around in the pouring rain with the dc taking them to a kids party they were invited to. he didn’t say 1 word to me on Mother’s Day - that has upset me alot.

today? The WEEK is up! When he told me I am alone this week (last week) he was being literal. Today is Monday and suddenly he started talking to me like complete normal, took the dc to their clubs with me like normal. This infuriated me, so he could’ve just let the week finish 1 day early and speak to me yesterday on Mother’s Day but no? I barely have replied/spoken to him, just saying the bare minimum.

this evening, after the dc clubs, he drove to kfc and bought food. We got home he set the kids up with food, sorted himself out with food (whilst I was rushing around tidying bags away etc). He didn’t get me anything to eat, didn’t even save me anything to eat/offer me a bite of anything.

im now sitting here eating scrambled egg, very upset. Again, I feel hated/disliked/not wanted/not loved by him

@Henala91 are you able to think about leaving him? I know it will be hard as you were young when you got together, you've been together (relative to your age) for a long time and you have children. But can you go on like this for another 50 years?

How much longer are you going to let him do this to you OP?

He absolutely does not love you.

This is a horrible spiteful relationship.

Start planning your exit or he will break you.

He sounds like an insufferable bore. He’s probably insecure and fears you might be cleverer, funnier and more charismatic than him and needs to cut you down to size.

I would go for challenge for a bit such as 'I will decide when to wash my leggings thank you and you look after yourself', 'it's rude to call me dumb so please stop as rudeness is not an attractive quality', 'if you don't like the way I do things you have the choice to do them yourself'. Punish him for rudeness like a child - if he complains tell him can get polite or put up with it. It might be a bit tricky for a while but he might shape up and if he doesn't well you could consider family mediation as a further step.

He's extraordinarily cruel and I suspect has mental health issues. Did he torture animals as a child?

Get your ducks in a row financially.

His earnings
Savings
Mortgage payments.
If joint savings arrange to pull your half out when the time comes.

See a GOOD solicitor and plan plan plan.

You'll need to be a good actress for a time.

Think of him as a particularly unpleasant employer. Be cool but polite.

When the time comes buy a big roll of bin bags, throw in all his possessions, leave them somewhere for him to collect. Text him as to their whereabouts and ban him from the house

I'm so sorry but he's a bad man.

Op please leave before he turns violent. I think his behaviour is malevolent, nasty and appalling.

I've heard it said that relationships can survive many things, but when there is contempt for a partner, then the relationship is finished.

Your partner treats you with contempt. I think it's time for you to end things.

Except for the OCD stuff, there's elements of my experience with my ex in your post.

At best, you aren't well matched.

At worst, he has a superiority complex where he sees you as pink-brained, in need of being watched and managed (he's actually even said this). As the logical and lofty-minded man your life, he think it's his role to save you from your own stupidity. There are women like this as well.

The main way he props his self-esteem, the way he comforts his ego is by doing this, and it's likely he won't stop. It's close to narcissism add they get a buzz form sighing wistfully at others, at think they're the only ones who do everything the 'right' way.

He's a nasty little bastard. He couldn't even get you some food while the rest of the family ate? I've been on Mumsnet for years and this is only the 2nd time I've said this...LTB.

Tell him there is no need for him to 'adapt' to you and instead fuck right off and take his abusive, controlling wankerish ways elsewhere.

Calling you dumb - does not show love - it shows he is a twat.

Not the main part of the info but how the fuck does he know how many times you wore a pair of leggings before you washed them? And why does he think he even gets a say in the frequency of when you wash your clothes?

You need to think about the future and if you would be happy allowing him to a) talking to your children in that way too b) letting them hear him talk to you like that.