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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Excluded from trip by my sister

76 replies

OctoberCarrot · 02/03/2024 22:29

My sister and I have a love/hate relationship. She reaches out alot of day to day chit chat I listen to her problems. We see each other but I realise now it’s usually in a wider family setting.

Today she told me she’s going away with our sister in law. Blasé mentioned and when I asked why I wasn’t invited the usual BS excuse that she didn’t think I didn’t want to go and can go if I want…. Of course I don’t V want to go as an after thought.

I fucking hate her. She’s good to my kids which is why I keep seeing her. I’m sick of her being so inconsiderate. Is there any way of protecting myself while enduring she starts in touch with my kids

OP posts:
Feelingalittleused · 03/03/2024 16:11

You’re giving too much of yourself to her and that’s why you’re hurt that she’s not reciprocating. Agree with others you need to pull back massively, then you won’t be disappointing as your expectations of her will reflect what you’re giving out - less.

Manintheorthopaedicshoes · 03/03/2024 16:18

Are you close with your SIL? Do they have a closer relationship?

I honestly don't see this as being excluded, it's just a family member doing something with another family member.

If it was a case of all female family members like mum aunts cousins going away and you were not invited I'd say that would be excluding you, but it's just 2 of them.

Original poster
OctoberCarrot · 03/03/2024 16:35

You’re right I’m giving too much of myself and need to stop.

i love close to my brother and sister in law but my sister and sister in law are more friendly

my children know my sister is mean to me they’ve seen it first hand

All the perspective has been very beneficial though so thank you.

OP posts:
LightSwerve · 03/03/2024 17:36

If there's a pattern of exclusion then you can find ways to deal with this. Make yourself less available, dial her down a bit, organise things with other people.

Only you can work out what the tone is, but some people do exclude as a way of exerting control.

Easipeelerie · 03/03/2024 17:43

OctoberCarrot · 03/03/2024 03:52

I don’t think my initial message correctly conveyed the hurt I’m feeling for justifiable reasons.

i fucking hate her was said because she always makes me feel excluded and I get drawn into her dramas to then be excluded.

I am constantly engaging with her - she calls me 4/5 times a week and I speak with her.

of course she’s entitled to go away with everyone and anyone she desires, I just feel left out and unwanted. That’s a crushing feeling. Crushing.

I would go NC as she’s not a positive influence in my life but my children love her.

I think I just need to regroup and work out how I can move forward protecting myself. And focusing on the friends I have who care and want to spend time with me.

I would drastically cut down the regular chitchats. Just don’t be available. Make some boundaries. You’ll fee bisected and more in control.

Easipeelerie · 03/03/2024 17:47

As your children have seen her be mean to you, I think it would be justifiable to remove her access to them. Long term, it will eat you up to know she’s being lovely to them and vile to you. It also teaches them that mum will put up with being bullied.

Aviee · 03/03/2024 18:05

But you don't like her. Why do you want to go away with her?

You're coming across as very needy here.

Stuckinthemiddle7890 · 03/03/2024 21:28

OctoberCarrot · 03/03/2024 03:52

I don’t think my initial message correctly conveyed the hurt I’m feeling for justifiable reasons.

i fucking hate her was said because she always makes me feel excluded and I get drawn into her dramas to then be excluded.

I am constantly engaging with her - she calls me 4/5 times a week and I speak with her.

of course she’s entitled to go away with everyone and anyone she desires, I just feel left out and unwanted. That’s a crushing feeling. Crushing.

I would go NC as she’s not a positive influence in my life but my children love her.

I think I just need to regroup and work out how I can move forward protecting myself. And focusing on the friends I have who care and want to spend time with me.

Op, I'm not sure why so many ppl here are so heartless to not understand why you would feel this way. It's not childish and it doesn't matter what age we are, we can all feel left out. She's your sister, what's wrong if she had just invited you too at the time. I think that you should let her go on the trip and when she gets back arrange a time to talk about how you feel ,maybe dont pinpoint the trip but maybe just how you feel about you and her on the whole. I'm sure you will both sort it out.

scarecrowswedding · 03/03/2024 22:46

You are the one that sounds toxic here, not her

Original poster
OctoberCarrot · 04/03/2024 09:54

scarecrowswedding · 03/03/2024 22:46

You are the one that sounds toxic here, not her

I should take this onboard. I don’t believe I’m toxic but I think the relationship is and I need to readjust my expectations and boundaries.

OP posts:
Original poster
OctoberCarrot · 05/03/2024 06:00

Funnily my sister rang me yesterday. There will be no acknowledgement of anything and we’ll just move on to listening about her inane life.

OP posts:
MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 05/03/2024 06:38

But having superficial inane chit chat is for many siblings the core of their relationship? Actually going on a holiday together is more what people who like each other do!

Original poster
OctoberCarrot · 05/03/2024 08:55

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 05/03/2024 06:38

But having superficial inane chit chat is for many siblings the core of their relationship? Actually going on a holiday together is more what people who like each other do!

maybe but it doesn’t need to be 3/4 times a week. I have enough to be doing like talking and spending time with people who actually like me.

It’s like having your cake and eat - I’ll dump my crap on you but not share nice stuff. Not for me. It’s continuously too hurtful.

OP posts:
YourNimblePeachTraybake · 05/03/2024 09:01

My sister and I are very close. It has never occurred to me to mind when she regularly goes on holiday with other people.
And talking about inane stuff is how people often connect. She is obviously making a lot of effort with you to be phoning you a few times a week from another country.
I genuinely don't understand why you feel so hurt?

Original poster
OctoberCarrot · 05/03/2024 09:18

YourNimblePeachTraybake · 05/03/2024 09:01

My sister and I are very close. It has never occurred to me to mind when she regularly goes on holiday with other people.
And talking about inane stuff is how people often connect. She is obviously making a lot of effort with you to be phoning you a few times a week from another country.
I genuinely don't understand why you feel so hurt?

I’m hurt as I suggested we do a trip somewhere together and she told me she didn’t have any annual leave. It now transpires that she’s going away with our sister in law. That’s hurtful.

obviously I don’t expect anyone to ever go away with me but really to never do it. Never making a plan. That’s fine, her prerogative but I don’t want a superficial bullshit relationship where I’m ok to listen about your life but not good enough to spend meaningful time with.

OP posts:
YourNimblePeachTraybake · 05/03/2024 09:23

I hadn't seen that she had lied about annual leave so it makes more sense.
I don't know how old you are, but my sister and I only became close in our fifties. Relationships change over time, so I hope yours improves. 💐

Original poster
OctoberCarrot · 05/03/2024 09:30

Old enough to know better. It’s been like this since we were children and I suppose as I’ve got older I hoped we would grow out of it. It’s a very long history. I need to make peace with it. Be much much more unavailable. It will somewhat protect me.

OP posts:
MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 05/03/2024 09:51

But maybe she didn't have annual leave if it had already been used/earmarked for this trip?

Noseybookworm · 05/03/2024 09:55

OctoberCarrot · 05/03/2024 06:00

Funnily my sister rang me yesterday. There will be no acknowledgement of anything and we’ll just move on to listening about her inane life.

Her inane life? Really, the way you talk about your sister is so unpleasant. Rather than blaming her for the problems in your relationship, you need to have a long hard look at your part in it.

Original poster
OctoberCarrot · 05/03/2024 10:01

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 05/03/2024 09:51

But maybe she didn't have annual leave if it had already been used/earmarked for this trip?

Yes but she listed out all the trips when we discussed annual leave and she never mentioned this..

OP posts:
Original poster
OctoberCarrot · 05/03/2024 10:04

Noseybookworm · 05/03/2024 09:55

Her inane life? Really, the way you talk about your sister is so unpleasant. Rather than blaming her for the problems in your relationship, you need to have a long hard look at your part in it.

Show quote history

Absolutely I will. My wording is harsh as I’m feeling very hurt. If I wasn’t so involved in her day to day life be it inane or not I wouldn’t be so hurt. Allowing her be such a major part of my day to day life is the problem as much as anything else. I’m going to stop that.

obviously there is much much more history than what’s written here. All the perspectives have been very valuable though.

OP posts:
MsAnnFrope · 05/03/2024 10:13

The anger and hurt you feel is clearly not just about this trip. I think you recognise that would be an excessive reaction. It seems more likely that this has tapped into a well of negative feelings around your sister.
do you feel as the older sibling you have to be responsible for her and her problems in life? I just wonder what patterns you have between the two of you as it sounds at the moment it isn’t a very healthy relationship.

Mary46 · 05/03/2024 15:26

Families can be mean op. Ive two siblings was left out of plans. I try and rise above it all now. At the time it did hurt though.

Original poster
OctoberCarrot · 06/03/2024 05:19

So since I saw her on Saturday I’ve had two phone calls and four texts. I’m guessing at this stage she realises I’m avoiding her.

It’s too too much. I’m hurt and I don’t want all the interaction. I also don’t want to fall out.

OP posts:
AstralSpace · 06/03/2024 07:57

It sounds tough op!
It's good that you're more in control of how you want to spend your time. This wasn't a healthy dynamic for you.
Hopefully, you'll get a rebalance that you both can work with.