Excluded from trip by my sister

[OctoberCarrot]

My sister and I have a love/hate relationship. She reaches out alot of day to day chit chat I listen to her problems. We see each other but I realise now it’s usually in a wider family setting.

Today she told me she’s going away with our sister in law. Blasé mentioned and when I asked why I wasn’t invited the usual BS excuse that she didn’t think I didn’t want to go and can go if I want…. Of course I don’t V want to go as an after thought.

I fucking hate her. She’s good to my kids which is why I keep seeing her. I’m sick of her being so inconsiderate. Is there any way of protecting myself while enduring she starts in touch with my kids

Sorry if my reply seemed dismissive. It wasn’t intended to. I meant that if your sister is excluding you from outings with someone from your side of the family it would seem more deliberate than if she and your brother’s wife did things together. Maybe not though - it’s just how I would feel.

You’re right that you can’t help your feelings, but tbh it’s probably not worth giving it too much headspace. Is the SIL usually considerate? If so, it is probably true that they just didn’t think you’d be interested. Can you speak to the SIL (or your brother) and say that you feel a bit excluded? That way they’ll know for next time.

You sound like the younger sister.

I agree with all, she can go away with anyone she likes without your involvement!

If you don't like your sister, then reduce contact. You're children will be OK with reduced contact too!

They’ve never been on holidays just the two of them.

no idea how holiday came up as my sister is killed from telling me she doesn’t have enough annual leave and couldn’t do something with me.

like I know it’s pretty obvious and the writing is on the wall she doesn’t want to be friends with me but she does expect me to be there as a sister… which is what? Someone to dump on - she’s recently spent time in rehab and no one in our family knew except me and entertain her when she comes to visit.

Anyhow I’ll just have to be very much less available. I really don’t need to hear her shit all the time.

I’m older.

of course she can go away with whomever she wants it doesn’t stop me feeling excluded.

You're right abbot my kids as they know she upsets me.

You don't put your issues on to your children

When did you last invite her on holiday, or your SIL? It may have juts been an organise conversation for them- this example doesn't really smack of exclusion, but for you it's a pattern and that's what you seem to be focusing on.

I think to see it as ‘crushing’ is quite extreme.

is it a pattern of behaviour? because it does sound a bit extreme to say you hate her or feel crushed because you didn't get invited, especially if you don't know the details of how this idea came about

I'd never feel excluded if this happened to me, I'm not entitled to a invite just because it's family.

4-5 calls a week is excessive. You don’t need to do that.

Do Dsis and DBro both have kids, or just you?

DH’s sister is much closer to BIL’s wife than she is to me. It really doesn’t bother me!

It’s a pattern.

She knew I was keen to do something together and decided not to plan a trip with me.

i do appreciate she can do whatever she wants but it’s the penny drop realisation that actually she chooses not to do stuff with me.

it’s upsetting and I’m upset she doesn’t want to. But I will pull my big girl pants on get over it. I’ll just be wholly unavailable to listen to her inane calls about walking her dog. Surely we’re all entitled to be be a little bit upset and crushed when we feel unwanted.

and everyone’s comment is appreciated as it’s good to get other perspective as obviously my pals are on my side.

There obviously a long history of animosity.

Maybe this holiday with SIL is finally helping you realise your relationship is toxic and harmful to you.

Rehab? Bit of a drip feed there. Is she constantly contacting you because she feels safe with you? Perhaps she needs a professional to be her support person instead.

It's okay not to spend time with someone you don't like.

I know I’m being silly and childish. I feel very hurt. It’s the realisation that she actually doesn’t want a proper deep relationship with me as a person. That’s fine but I don't need to be her dumping on person to just deal with the shit in her life.

It's not silly and childish to feel hurt. You've realised she doesn't value you. There's a saying that says something along the lines of 'when you're too available, you lose your importance'
Invest that free time you always put aside for her into yourself instead now. Do things that will help improve your own life. It can be anything. Do a course, go out, watch a tv show. There must be so many things.
It'll be a win-win as you'll do things for yourself and your sister may start to value you more when you're less available. She may not but then you won't be wasting all your energy on her.

@OctoberCarrot if this is a pattern then they both acted in pretty awful way

but you're right in that lending her an ear clearly doss not do anything for building your relationship - and you're well within your right to tell her that. You can let her know that if your company is not appreciated enough to do fun things together then you don't feel obliged to listen to her venting

Do you feel your SIL is excluding you? Do you think she would want you there? If it's obvious that you and your sister don't really get on, perhaps she feels it's for the best you aren't going. It's interesting that you only blame your sister for the exclusion without even knowing the background to the holiday.

I was a bit startled by the ‘I fucking hate her.’

Like others, why would you expect to be invited or want to be invited if you hate her? Why do you speak to her so much if you hate her? Why do you allow her round your kids if you hate her?

There’s a fuck ton of this missing.

I agree with others. If you "fucking hate her" then (a) she's no doubt aware of that, and (b) why on earth would you want to go away with her?

If you feel that way, it really is best that you stop pretending that you care about her or her "inane" conversations. She may be your sister, but she not a conjoined twin. Neither of you owe the other anything just because you are family. Just be clear about it. Stop taking her calls. And don't expect anything from her either. You can't be half in and half out.

The “I fucking hate her’ was more a heat of the moment comment and reaction to how she made me feel.

I am glad so many on MN are able to not feel hurt or slighted by family exclusions. It is not nice to be excluded but I guess that’s much more important with people who you feel you’re important to.

I need to be far less involved in her day to day life. Let her get on with it without me because you know friendships aren’t just fur Christmas.

we live in different countries so our day to day meetings are non existent.

I need to just step away.

My sister knows our conversation about doing something together, she told me she didn’t hand any annual leave and arranged a trip with my sister in law. That’s shit. Whatever way you twist it. However I’ve got good perspective from MN and I’m too involved with someone who doesn’t actually care about me.

*she knew I was keen to do something together and decided not to plan a trip with me.

i do appreciate she can do whatever she wants but it’s the penny drop realisation that actually she chooses not to do stuff with me*
That all sounds quite suffocating. Just because you want to holiday with someone they shouldn't have to,.

How old are your children?
does she have any?

Imv children often adopt the attitude of the parents so if you are telling them ‘ ooo lovely Aunty X bought you this/ loves to see you’ then that is how they will see her.

Be a bit cooler/ more honest about her. People always seem to want their DCs to have relationships with the most awful rellies due to either they themselves having a great relationship with their rellie /or because they had a rubbish relationship with rellies and they want it better for their DCs.

Better they have a happy mum and stuff the rellies.

OP -
Do your sister and SIL possibly live in the same country and see each other more regularly? And can the trip not be SIL’s idea?
And is it not possible that SIL and her are simply closer than you/SIL???

The reaction you are having extreme and OTT. Life is too short to be this needy for ‘inclusion’. Their trip is not about you.

You are responsible for your feelings, not your sister. Saying 'she made me feel' makes you sound immature. Reframe it as the situation rather than her, you will feel less of a victim and be able to see things more objectively.

Do your sister and sister in law live in the same country? Have they been able to develop a closer relationship? Is your sister in law blameless in this?

You can't force them to want to spend time with you and if the relationship with your sister is love/hate, I am not sure why you would want to go on holiday and be trapped somewhere with her.

Yes, make yourself less available to her. If she’s calling 4/5 times a week, start saying that you’re in the middle of something and end the call at least two of those times. Gradually increase until you’re only available once a week max.

She clearly enjoys playground drama, playing one person off another, and it’s so childish.

I’d also be tempted to arrange your own weekend away with your friends and talk about it a lot. 😈