Boss taking me out for lunch and drinks

[Hairydairyfair]

I have recently moved from the public sector to a huge corporate firm.

The senior manager who manages my department is in charge of around 40 staff. Every so often he suggests that we go for lunch. Once he took me to a bar for drinks after work. It is just me and him each time.

He has never suggested or said anything inappropriate in any way.

However I just find it weird. Is this weird? Is this just the corporate world?

Personally I found it strange going to a swanky bar on Friday night just me and him.

I don't know if he is taking his other team members out for lunch and drinks 1 and 1. I feel embarrassed about asking around as I have a suspicion he is not. I'm worried other staff will think I'm the favourite or that there's something odd happening.

One time he suggested it and I flat out said I would prefer to go to the office canteen with him rather than to an outside restaurant. The next time he headed this off by explicitly saying we should go out somewhere.

It is most likely he is trying to mentor me for promotion. Usually 2/3 of the conversation is work related and the rest to do with holidays, hobbies etc.

However I just don't know if this is normal. My instinct is that he would like to go for lunch or drinks more often and I think he senses I'm wary.

It may be harmless and maybe he just likes talking to me. Recently he made a weird joke about how I 'don't like him' and when I didn't sit near him one day in the office mentioned that he was 'lonely'. This obviously could just be him trying to establish more of a rapport and being a bit awkward. I am not getting a suggestive male to female vibe from him, my sense is more that he just likes some company.

However although I think he is a perfectly nice man and quite like him, I just think it's better not to develop a friendship with someone so senior. He is pretty much one of the most senior people in the organisation. I am more interested in being comfortable at work than having to create 'allies' to try and climb the corporate ladder. I am sure some people would jump at this chance, but I'm just not that person. Something about it makes me wary.

For context I am mid thirties, he's mid fifties. He's married and I'm partnered.

Further context - in my twenties I was sexually harassed by my manager and it started with this kind of thing, random workday coffees, etc., which makes me jumpy around this series of events. My main feeling is 'god not again'.

I have spoken to my partner/boyfriend about it and he thinks I'm overthinking it. My boyfriend wasn't concerned at all about my manager taking just me out for drinks on Friday night. It's great to have that trusting quality in a boyfriend but I worry my boyfriend is being a bit naive about how these things sometimes play out.

The difficulty is that I do think this manager is a decent man.

My real worry is that I am being naive and actually this is a bit strange. I don't have any kind of 'spidey sense' that he's predatory but the facts just seem odd to me.

What do you all think?

Definitely seems weird to me OP. Not sure how you can get out of it without offending him and therefore causing yourself issues down the line.
Not very helpful, hopefully some more useful advice will be along soon from other posters,

"It is most likely he is trying to mentor me for promotion"

Oh, "promotion", is it? I can think of other names for it. Are you that gullible?

Although (as you say) he hasn't said or done anything inappropriate during these drinks outings, I would say he's almost certainly thinking about the possibility of a fling/affair/etc and right now he's just 'sounding out' what sort of signals he's picking up from you before he 'makes a move' (or decides not to).
What's unfair of him is to dress up his intentions in the guise of 'works drinks meet-up' without making his motives clear. He's your manager and so he knows you'll feel uncomfortable saying no. A real man would ask you out, outright (after first ascertaining that you're free/single).
So, you need to find a way to step back from these meet-ups without (if possible) causing friction.

This is why there are rules about relationships within businesses to avoid this sort of thing. If he’s really senior there’s obviously a massive power imbalance and you could be put in a seriously awkward and unprofessional situation.

You’ve already expressed your discomfort that you don’t want to risk offending him. There’s your power imbalance. If he was on your level there would be no risk to him being offended that would adversely affect you. Upsetting a senior could cause serious unpleasantness for you, that’s why this sort of thing isn’t allowed, or is at the very least frowned upon.

If you don’t want to go, make your excuses and don’t go. Is he just inviting you? Him being lonely is not your problem, especially if he has a wife! Presumably he has many other ppl he could sit next to/invite out. Why is he focusing on you? Presumably bc he knows you are worried about saying no so you’re an easy target.

A lot of times I’ve read on these threads that men in the workplace often misinterpret casual friendliness from female colleagues as flirtation, so maybe he thinks you’re interested in him. If I were you I would reference my BF regularly and what you have done with him, plans for the venting/wknd etc. eventually he’ll get fed up hearing about it and stop inviting you, or make a comment. Then you will have more of an idea what his intentions are.

If it carries on and is making you uncomfortable speak to HR.

It's standard 'getting to know' behaviour in the industry I used to work in - and still is, possibly even more so now people don't go out for proper, chatty lunches in the middle of a working day.

He may even feel that you don't seem very comfortable in the new type of surroundings - or, of course, he may be checking out your potentials.

Knee him in the nuts if he does try anything. But don't damn him for wanting a cordial working relationship!

Not weird if it is not flirty.
It seems like a wind down of the work week.

How does he react when you suggest that you think he'd like to meet your boyfriend and that on your birthday you will invite him along too?
How does he react when you respond, "Oh, that's just what my Dad says."
Sometimes the age difference creates natural respect both ways.
My daughter has a very good friend in almost an identical situation. There is a thirty year age difference but she respects him immensely and thinks of him like an uncle. Four years and they're still mates.

Others in the office will assume you are fucking - whether you are or not - which can become a problem. You can deny it all day long and the others are all, "Sure, Mary, whatever you say." eyeroll, email to HR by the others who feel "uncomfortable"

This is not appropriate behaviour from a manager even if he doesn't have any romantic intentions.

Tell him you won't be going out with him again. If you aren't comfortable doing this speak to HR.

Not weird in my world (finance in The City) but you are not obliged to go out with him in the evening. Lunch is more tricky to turn down and would definitely be better embraced. Next time he suggests an evening thing say you have plans and suggest a coffee earlier in the working day.

I've always gone out with my boss, male or female for drinks. It's good for bonding. People who find it weird, are weird

This sounds like the beginning of harrassment, he may be expecting an affair later on. If he's so much senior than you, it is not appropriate. Then, you're new, why he doesn't do it with others?

You could start by denying at least some of the invitations and only accept an odd one out. Then, when you do go out with him, talk about your boyfriend, ask about his wife/kids, etc.

Are you his only direct report? Bit strange if he is only taking you out for these lunches and dinners if there are others in the same location.
I'm also surprised in this day and age he isn't more concerned about optics of just taking the new younger female and that makes me think his judgement isn't the best.
And the 'don't you like me' bullshit is dodgy as.

Really, every boss has singled you out from the rest of the team? If you say apart from them in the office, did they tell you they were lonely without you, as well? Definitely not appropriate behaviour

My first steps would be to join a union, just so if anything does happen then you've got them in your corner.
I'd also start making a journal of events to refer back to.

Do you know anyone in HR? Maybe get to know who's responsible for your department, and have a casual chat about it so they are aware.

It might be totally innocent, but he might be grooming you. I had the same many years ago and I ended up leaving a perfectly good job as the invitations and pressure were too uncomfortable. Little things that could be considered perfectly innocent like the odd touch here and there, trying to get me used to him being in my personal space, until it became a full on grope.

It's always been a fairly standard thing to have drinks with the boss? But I've never had creep vibes from any of them

Welcome to the corporate world. What he is trying to do is to make you take the first move. Say one day you in good mood lean a bit closer to him, he won’t say no and then spiral from there. So he won’t take the blame. Playing the long game. Not obviously flirting. He thinks he know people. He married and you got bf means nth to him obviously. You probably not the first one he tried it on.

If I were you, decline or keep invite within work hours. Say Friday you sign up for some hobby course and can’t stay.

stick to your objectives for the year. At the end of the day that’s the only thing you being paid for to care. Not to have drink with senior or not.

Years ago when I worked in corporate this was normal, partly because the senior management liked dining in nice restaurants and not having to pay! (If they were "working" they claimed on expenses) my md took a different person to lunch each day

Does anyone have a female boss that takes them out on a one to one Friday night dinner and drinks?

Would you think it was strange if you and your boss were of the same sex?
Would it happen if you were a man?

“Recently he made a weird joke about how I 'don't like him' and when I didn't sit near him one…. Lonely “. Sorry I cut off a bit of your sentence.

That seems really inappropriate- over personal and childish.

If he has one to one lunches and drinks with other staff who are junior maybe that’s the norm for that company but I see how it is very difficult for you to ask around about that. Is there anyone you know in a different department who could tell you?

Another thing I think makes it likely to be dodgy is him choosing a Friday evening. That’s usually definitely a social evening- colleagues going out together, usually in a group, to blow off steam and have fun.

He’s putting you in a difficult situation and at his age and job level will almost certainly know that.

ExH works in the city (finance) and this is normal for that environment.

He usually didn't do after work drinks very often as it meant he was back late, so tended to do lunch and coffees.

Nobody liked the staff canteen due to crap food.

It's a standard way to get to know people and build relationships in that environment.

I'm a teacher. It would be really weird in my environment.

I take my team out for drinks - I also take individual team members out for drinks. My current boss has taken me out for lunch. My old boss used to take me out for lunch/dinner from time to time (in fact, we still get together every 2 months or so for a meal/drinks). Entirely normal for me. 99% of the chat is about work.

Yes I did and was one.

op if he’s not flirting, and it’s mainly work talk, relax and go with it, until it’s not just mainly work talk, and if he starts to flirt. If he doesn’t do that ever it’s fine. Developing good relationships is a positive.

I work in corporate and yes this is weird. This doesn’t happen. Hes trying to get you into bed. Thats how youll get your promotion and it will end in tears. Refuse from this point forward. The rumour mill is likely to have already started in the office. Dont be so naive

If it's standard, why isn't the boss taking the other 39 people out for drinks - surely that would be the definition of "standard"?

Taking out 1 person in a team of 40, on a regular basis, may well be "standard" - that doesn't make it appropriate. If the one person out of 40 who is the object of this favouritism happens to be opposite sex & 20 years younger then at best, it looks bad.

Moaning at them for not sitting near you in the office is, in fact, weird.