Boss taking me out for lunch and drinks

[Hairydairyfair]

I have recently moved from the public sector to a huge corporate firm.

The senior manager who manages my department is in charge of around 40 staff. Every so often he suggests that we go for lunch. Once he took me to a bar for drinks after work. It is just me and him each time.

He has never suggested or said anything inappropriate in any way.

However I just find it weird. Is this weird? Is this just the corporate world?

Personally I found it strange going to a swanky bar on Friday night just me and him.

I don't know if he is taking his other team members out for lunch and drinks 1 and 1. I feel embarrassed about asking around as I have a suspicion he is not. I'm worried other staff will think I'm the favourite or that there's something odd happening.

One time he suggested it and I flat out said I would prefer to go to the office canteen with him rather than to an outside restaurant. The next time he headed this off by explicitly saying we should go out somewhere.

It is most likely he is trying to mentor me for promotion. Usually 2/3 of the conversation is work related and the rest to do with holidays, hobbies etc.

However I just don't know if this is normal. My instinct is that he would like to go for lunch or drinks more often and I think he senses I'm wary.

It may be harmless and maybe he just likes talking to me. Recently he made a weird joke about how I 'don't like him' and when I didn't sit near him one day in the office mentioned that he was 'lonely'. This obviously could just be him trying to establish more of a rapport and being a bit awkward. I am not getting a suggestive male to female vibe from him, my sense is more that he just likes some company.

However although I think he is a perfectly nice man and quite like him, I just think it's better not to develop a friendship with someone so senior. He is pretty much one of the most senior people in the organisation. I am more interested in being comfortable at work than having to create 'allies' to try and climb the corporate ladder. I am sure some people would jump at this chance, but I'm just not that person. Something about it makes me wary.

For context I am mid thirties, he's mid fifties. He's married and I'm partnered.

Further context - in my twenties I was sexually harassed by my manager and it started with this kind of thing, random workday coffees, etc., which makes me jumpy around this series of events. My main feeling is 'god not again'.

I have spoken to my partner/boyfriend about it and he thinks I'm overthinking it. My boyfriend wasn't concerned at all about my manager taking just me out for drinks on Friday night. It's great to have that trusting quality in a boyfriend but I worry my boyfriend is being a bit naive about how these things sometimes play out.

The difficulty is that I do think this manager is a decent man.

My real worry is that I am being naive and actually this is a bit strange. I don't have any kind of 'spidey sense' that he's predatory but the facts just seem odd to me.

What do you all think?

Trust your instinct on this one. And yes, I do think your work colleagues will think that something is going on.

I don't believe is THAT thick OP. Ffs, he could simply take you to a coffee shop mid-week, but he's choosing Friday night at a nice bar for a reason.

I agree with @MumDaisy1980 . He is keeping it clean, at least for now, but he's orchestrating instances where intimacy is likely to develop.....and what does his wife think of all of that I wonder??!! Don't ask him that though.

Recently he made a weird joke about how I 'don't like him' and when I didn't sit near him one day in the office mentioned that he was 'lonely'. This obviously could just be him trying to establish more of a rapport and being a bit awkward

It's difficult to say, but I think he knows what he's doing, so just be aware and don't pander to it. It's likely that he can sense that emotionally, you are not keen on this increased contact with him, especially out of work hours, so he's trying to hoover you back in, making you feel obliged, or guilty for not showing the reciprocity and lack of resistance that he expects.

Mid 30s seems to be ideal age for men in their 50s. It's not young enough to invoke true disgust or scoring (which it would if they went for someone in their early 20s), but you are young enough to boost his ego and feel like he's 'scored' with someone much younger than himself. Grim.

I'm sorry OP, but this will be very difficult for you to come out of. Your mistake was starting to do this with him in the first place, and now it's going to be extra difficult for you to get out of it directly without embarrassing him, and you will be seen by some as overreacting, when you know exactly what's going on.

Don't expect help from HR - they are there to close ranks and protect the seniors and the company from being sued. If that means making you out as the problem, some HR will do this.

Start saying you go out on Friday nights so that you are not available for this. Say that you have started a new class in the opposite direction of work. Unfortunately, I can't guarantee there won't be professional consequences if you do that :(

It doesn't matter what other people think, you find it weird and are clearly uncomfortable so don't go out with him.

My boss has taken me out for lunch, just us. We were elsewhere for a meeting, he suggested it. It was nice, gave us a chance to get to know each other more outside of the office (got to know more personal details about each other, like how he met his wife and I met my ex which were strangely similar). I'm not sure if he's done it to the others. I do know it was not paid for on the company as I do his expenses!

I've never mentioned it to anyone at work as I don't want people to think he's playing favourites (when clearly I am his favourite and everybody knows it 😂).

I’m public sector and DH is senior management in the private sector, it’s not unusual at all for him to have lunch 1:1 with a female member of staff but only if it’s appropriate for work (eg he’s supervising them in the field) and he does the same for all staff. He definitely wouldn’t even think about drinks on. Friday night with just one member of staff (male or female) though, that’s just weird!

Recently he made a weird joke about how I 'don't like him' and when I didn't sit near him one day in the office mentioned that he was 'lonely'

This is the bit which leapt out for me - why say it if it's just colleagues being sociable?

One to nip in the bud perhaps, especially if he doesn't take others for lunch

Hope you're okay @Hairydairyfair.

Politely distance yourself, and talk a lot of your DP and your plans/experiences together if you do find yourself alone with him. I'm afraid it very much looks like he's testing the ground with you and there is a huge power imbalance. Trust your gut. If you're/we're wrong and he's genuinely a bit misguided, you won't do any harm just by checking out for a bit.

This.

He’s done nothing wrong and the usual crowd are up in arms like she’s received a folder full of dick pics!

I agree but it's possibly a culture thing where we'd happily lunch together but Fri night is my time

’Recently he made a weird joke about how I 'don't like him' and when I didn't sit near him one day in the office mentioned that he was 'lonely'.

This is grooming behaviour. You should start to keep a record of remarks like that.

And turn down his next invitation to have drinks just the two of you. See how he reacts and then you’ll know where he’s coming from.

@Deathbyfluffy

No one is up in arms, we just know how this one ends. Relax.

He's after a shag

It’s extremely inappropriate of him to pressure you, saying he “feels lonely” and that you “don’t like him” when you’ve made it clear you want to keep this workplace-based.

you are totally within your rights , and it’s professional and appropriate behavior for you to specify the workplace canteen.

he’s already crossed a line. It’s not a question of what is his behavior like, has he flirted, etc - it’s a question of, is he pushing you a little more outside your comfort zone each time? This is how harassment begins.

id begin flagging it to HR (a seemingly harmless “is this appropriate? Just want to make sure” would not go amiss,) and I would also be documenting every single interaction.

because he is senior, you’re going to need massive proof and documentation if anything gets murky.

what a slimeball he is.

And: I can tell which posters in this thread are men.
(It’s the ones who are gaslighting.)

My old boss in The City used to take me out 'for a chat' quite frequently and it was awfully uncomfortable (for me), although, no ulterior motive, as he was openly-gay mature gentleman.

It's inappropriate only if he is. My boss used to bring me out for lunch or dinner or drinks 1:1 all the time. He also did this for the other team members. I think it was his way of staying in touch with his subordinates and building on our team relationship.

I used to work in law and my boss would just randomly come into the office and take me out for a sit down lunch.

You are definitely being naive.
Also, this will NOT have gone unnoticed by others at your place of work.
I would avoid.

No,this isn't right.

I being my team either individually or collectively out for coffee, breakfast or lunch.

If we for dinner/drinks, it's as a group, not individually.

Individual meeting after hours isn't professional.

Really feel for you OP. I had exactly the same situation about 30 years ago although I was single at the time. It is so difficult but I have no doubt he is 'testing the water' and waiting for the slightest bit of encouragement. I have learned through very painful experience just being polite, courteous and friendly can be interpreted by some men as encouragement.

In addition if he is 'lonely' why doesn't he seek out the company of male colleagues.

At his age and at his position he will be a master in manipulation. Even if we give him the benefit of the doubt and he is just being nice you are not comfortable with it and who would be.

I would tell him very nicely your partner is not happy with the situation, which would be a totally reasonable response, and in the circumstances, as it causes 'tension' in your relationship, you cannot see him outside of work for drinks or lunch.

Better to put an end to this now rather than letting it continue as it will escalate.

It would be a standard practice in the finance world. Indeed, I have done it myself. The whole purpose is to get to know the person (& I don't mean in a way that would lead to a relationship - covert or otherwise) you are working with. Assessing suitability for extending their responsibilities/promotion is certainly a part of it.

What do you think about the "lonely" comment and the one about op not liking him @BrigadierEtienneGerard ? I'd like to think anyone with truly professional integrity and intentions would steer away from comments like those kind of interactions.

Any way, it's an old thread. Hope the OP worked a way through it in a way that felt comfortable.