Boss taking me out for lunch and drinks

[Hairydairyfair]

I have recently moved from the public sector to a huge corporate firm.

The senior manager who manages my department is in charge of around 40 staff. Every so often he suggests that we go for lunch. Once he took me to a bar for drinks after work. It is just me and him each time.

He has never suggested or said anything inappropriate in any way.

However I just find it weird. Is this weird? Is this just the corporate world?

Personally I found it strange going to a swanky bar on Friday night just me and him.

I don't know if he is taking his other team members out for lunch and drinks 1 and 1. I feel embarrassed about asking around as I have a suspicion he is not. I'm worried other staff will think I'm the favourite or that there's something odd happening.

One time he suggested it and I flat out said I would prefer to go to the office canteen with him rather than to an outside restaurant. The next time he headed this off by explicitly saying we should go out somewhere.

It is most likely he is trying to mentor me for promotion. Usually 2/3 of the conversation is work related and the rest to do with holidays, hobbies etc.

However I just don't know if this is normal. My instinct is that he would like to go for lunch or drinks more often and I think he senses I'm wary.

It may be harmless and maybe he just likes talking to me. Recently he made a weird joke about how I 'don't like him' and when I didn't sit near him one day in the office mentioned that he was 'lonely'. This obviously could just be him trying to establish more of a rapport and being a bit awkward. I am not getting a suggestive male to female vibe from him, my sense is more that he just likes some company.

However although I think he is a perfectly nice man and quite like him, I just think it's better not to develop a friendship with someone so senior. He is pretty much one of the most senior people in the organisation. I am more interested in being comfortable at work than having to create 'allies' to try and climb the corporate ladder. I am sure some people would jump at this chance, but I'm just not that person. Something about it makes me wary.

For context I am mid thirties, he's mid fifties. He's married and I'm partnered.

Further context - in my twenties I was sexually harassed by my manager and it started with this kind of thing, random workday coffees, etc., which makes me jumpy around this series of events. My main feeling is 'god not again'.

I have spoken to my partner/boyfriend about it and he thinks I'm overthinking it. My boyfriend wasn't concerned at all about my manager taking just me out for drinks on Friday night. It's great to have that trusting quality in a boyfriend but I worry my boyfriend is being a bit naive about how these things sometimes play out.

The difficulty is that I do think this manager is a decent man.

My real worry is that I am being naive and actually this is a bit strange. I don't have any kind of 'spidey sense' that he's predatory but the facts just seem odd to me.

What do you all think?

I'm a senior manager and often take line reports out for lunch or a drink after work. But not dinner (unless we are away from home) and not on a Friday night and drinks never exceed 2.

It's fine occasionally but if it's frequent, just you ( can you find out?) and on top of that the little comments trying to guilt you into sitting closer to him, to prove you like him. It's giving me ick vibes. Its inappropriate even if he has no intentions towards you. The power dynamics the age difference.

If I were you I would ask HR for an informal chat and get their advice. Say that you don't know if you have been singled out for this and if so it makes you uncomfortable because of the comments he is making but you are afraid that it could have professional consequences for you.

This will get logged so that if anything blows up you have a record of you being an unwilling participant.

It's giving me flash backs to sexual harassment of my own. It wasn't my boss luckily but it was subtle started with normal conversation, work etc, got more personal, he would give me work that he knew I liked, offer to drive me to site as he was going too. Accidently touching my leg when he changed gears, complimenting the colour of my bra (straps visible) it was his favourite colour.

He lost interest when I got pregnant and it's only really in the years since that I recognised it for what it was and cringe at my utter niavity and unwillingness to rock the boat. I was a contractor at the time and he was permenant so more secure then me.

It's weird and I don't think he's trying to mentor you, unless "mentor" is a euphemism for "fuck".

I used to take colleagues out for lunch or a drink away from the work environment for various reasons none of them sexual

Jesus life is such a minefield now

Is he taling other colleagues out? Is he working woth you on one project that impacts others in the offuce so needs to talk without others around?

It might be the culture in that department. Suggest you ask around.

It's relatively common in my workplace, a lunch goes down as 121 or has a purpose of some kind. Drinks only in the evening on a 121 basis is much less common as it tends to be more of a team thing or on the way home so quite brief.

That old saying you know how she got to the top.
Well yeah i did and im still at the top.

I think maybe he`s being nice dont know until you go.
Any creep vibes leave or tell him to back off.
Dont worry what others think.

I am a female boss

I will meet my direct reports for dinner if we are away for work together. If I can engineer it that it's a group thing rather than 1 on 1 then I do so

I take them all out as a team sometimes

I will go for lunch 1 on 1 with them, but we have a canteen on site and generally go there

I would never randomly after work invite them to go out for dinner

My direct reports are all men and a couple of them that I inherited are tbh kind of sleazy. I manage their behaviour in work but I don't want to risk them getting the wrong idea. Just because I am senior to them doesn't make me safe in all senarios

I have spent cover thirty years in multinationals and no this is not normal. I have gone out for coffee, lunch and even dinner with male colleagues very many times. The dinners would either be in a group or solo only really if one or both of us have travelled to another office. The lunches and coffees would be about networking, getting to know somebody better, work related conversations.

Your manager repeatedly taking you out, but not doing similar with other direct reports is very unusual. As a manager, I always aim to give direct reports fairly equal amounts of not time and attention. It seems that there is probably an ulterior motive.

Not normal in my world

I think if you go to HR it starts trouble and HR in my opinion are there for the bosses.
Just say no. What can he do.
I also cant understand your DP saying he thinks its ok. My DH wouldn't be happy to be honest.
There must be something in your gut saying its wrong or you wouldn't be questioning it.

I've only been out with bosses a few times, one female and the others male, and have enjoyed it thoroughly and there was zero feelings of inappropriateness. You may well be right, but It's sad that for some other posters this is their default initial concern.

So many naive mumnsetters! It's surprises me every time!

Of course it can be usual to be taken out for lunch with a line manager who may see potential in you and be mentoring you.

It is NOT usual to go out 1:1 on a Friday night alone or be told they're lonely and think you don't like them.

Be careful OP. This is exactly what you think it is and ignore the naivety on this thread.

My manager is a male and a lot older than me and have been to numerous lunches and dinners with him 1-2-1.

No underlying motive. he has came to be one of the individuals I respect most I my life and the best manager/mentor I have ever had and his advice and mentorship has gone a long way in solidifying my career.

Worth saying i Have never felt uncomfortable around him.

If you genuinely feel uncomfortable in your situation, politely decline.
Not all men have sleazy under lying motives.

What? Even though female managers are on here saying they do this? Why would you try to put everyone down simply as it is not your experience?

it’s clear your own experience is limited, it is not usual for you. But do read the answers and understand the narrowness of your own world and others experience counts.

I wonder who his wife is told he's having after work drinks with. I'm betting it's not his 15-ish years younger female staffer.

I go out with my line manager for our 121's but we go to the train station (work in the rail industry) grab a Costa and sit on a platform to chat, gets us out of the office for an hour.
We take it in turns to pay for the coffee.
He'd never suggest the situation with your manager, tbh that's just weird.
I'd knock it on the head if I were you.

Oh for God's sake.

If you were a hairy-arsed bloke, would he be taking you out for drinkies?

From my own experience years ago, I think he’s singled you out because he’s a predator.

Like you, I had a weird feeling on my first day, and as sure as eggs are eggs he slowly slowly built it up from ‘innocent’ lunches and drinks etc until he eventually tried to trap me by putting me in a very vulnerable situation for very obvious sexual reasons. I had to strongly resist and that put an end to it.

Not long after, a new attractive girl joined, and he did exactly the same to her. We both reported him and he was sacked and frog marched out of the building the same day.

Trust your instincts and be careful. In my view he is singling you out too.

Keep using your partner or a friend as an excuse why you can’t go out for lunch:drinks and he’ll get the message.

@Garlicking

you dont need to go out to bars and for drinks with colleagues to have a cordial working relationship with them

This is tricky. I work in the public sector and I've done this with my direct reports and have with my manager as well. However the conversations were usually about work and when personal we would talk about our families. They would always have a wife/partner and I talked about mine.
I do think it's normal to want to bond with colleagues over drinks or a meal but can definitely see how it can cross a line. Especially when there's a large power gap.
I guess I would advise to make sure you talk about your partner positively and to enquire about your bosses wife, again in a friendly positive way.

So, no I don't think this is weird on its own, and quite possible that he just genuinely wants to build rapport. It's smart to stay aware of the possibility that he may have other intentions though.

I've been for drinks or lunch with my supervisor (I'm not in corporate), but only on rare occasions, though she is a lesbian (but most definitely not interested in me!).

I would be fine with it (if I wanted to go), on occasion, but it sounds like it's happening a lot - and that is a bit weird. Normally, these things, especially after work, are more team outings rather than one-to-ones, unless you're a client. Why not suggest you'd like to go out with the rest of the team as a group because you'd like to get to know them better too? That will definitely give an indication of his motive if he baulks!

There is a horrible imbalance here that your boss is taking advantage of. I would say no to any more Friday drinks. It’s the weekend and perfectly reasonable to say no as you are going out with bf / family etc.

Regarding lunch, keep it in the canteen if you can. I’d opt for a simple, ‘I don’t feel like it today. I’m going to the canteen at 12 with ‘Sarah’. ’

You can give any number of reasons not to go out if you feel you need to give an excuse (although these men are skilled at countering these so I prefer a straight no thanks).

You brought your own lunch in, you need to leave promptly and don’t want to take the time out, you hurt your ankle, you need to make a phone call to bf, you need to sort house insurance out, you and x are catching up over lunch, you have period pain (guaranteed no argument with that last one!) etc.

If he wants to talk about work, that can be scheduled in work time.

Listen to your instincts. If it feels wrong it is wrong.

He's in a powerful position and he can so easily use that to abuse the situation.

I've worked in a lot of mainly male environments and have seen this happen so many times with the 'happily' married man. Of course the poor devoting wife at home is totally oblivious.

It really is a tale as old as time.

So be careful and don't fall into his trap.

I think the crucial bit missing is whether he does this with other employees of both sexes or is it just you?

Agreed, if he's regularly taking out everyone in their team regardless of age and gender then it's fine

If its just say pretty women under 35 or just the OP alone then it's problematic