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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How many times did a boyfriend tell you "my ex is crazy"....

82 replies

Onehouratatime · 01/03/2024 22:35

Just out of interest
Have you ever had a partner who claimed his ex was "crazy" and then you meet the ex or get to know the ex and his stories don't match up? And he turns out to be the crazy one?

My current situation with exdp. Share your experiences please give me some insight

OP posts:
Over40Overdating · 02/03/2024 15:55

@Anotherparkingthread your friend needs to block his ex. The soft / arms length thing is unhealthy and smacks a little of him getting something out of being the object of her obsession.

Soreteatowel · 02/03/2024 15:59

I'm affraid the crazy ex is a red flag for me and I'm off. Even if it's true, I assume they did something to make her crazy - after all they must have thought she was OK once. Even if it's not their fault, who needs the drama?

mindutopia · 02/03/2024 16:17

It’s never happened. The assholes don’t get too far with me. I’m actually friends with an ex’s now wife - she’s lovely and much better suited to him than I was. Dh and I went to their wedding. 😂

Anotherparkingthread · 02/03/2024 17:23

Over40Overdating · 02/03/2024 15:55

@Anotherparkingthread your friend needs to block his ex. The soft / arms length thing is unhealthy and smacks a little of him getting something out of being the object of her obsession.

Nah he doesnt get anything out of it he's just a moron. It's actually come to a stop very recently as he's moved to the other side of the country where he isn't much use to her, just this last week. I'm guessing she is a factor in him moving so far away, though he hasn't said as much.

Over40Overdating · 02/03/2024 17:25

@Anotherparkingthread 😂 fair enough! Sorry he’s had to move though.

Lisagreasa · 02/03/2024 19:10

4/5 of my ex's exes hated him and it was only after I realised why. Should've questioned that!

Onehouratatime · 02/03/2024 21:55

I feel its very outing for a man to tell a women "my ex is crazy she's controlling she's abusive she's an alcoholic she has money problems she is a liar she is a slag, my exs dd was a little brat (3) and exs parenting was awful" etc etc etc

I made my mistake. When I heard all of the above it never sat right with me ever... turns out he crossed her trust boundaries, was abusive towards her, used to lock her out of her house with dd, he was an alcoholic, and obviously (I say this with air quotes) he was the best parent In the world however only had is son 30% of the time and had never taken him to the Dr's or dentist let alone have sole care or know when school holidays were...

It's very outing and I've learnt to listen and not assume.

I repeat to everyone LISTEN and DONT ASSUME question if it doesn't sit right and don't be a idiot being nieve just because he states he's a nice guy (ALOT BTW) and acts semi ok doesn't mean anything.

31 and only just learning this shit it's embarrassing for myself really

OP posts:
Onehouratatime · 02/03/2024 21:57

Also ex dp only moved to the UK on 2017 between 2017 and 2023 he had 3 relationships ex 1 ex 2 and me. Ex 1 hates him - she's crazy according to him. Ex 2 hates him - she's even crazier and me - I guess I'm now the one who's crazy haha
3 failed serious relationships (lived with ex 1 and ex 2 but not me thank god) he dragged ds all in 6 years all resulting with crazy exs apparently....

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 02/03/2024 21:58

Onehouratatime · 02/03/2024 21:57

Also ex dp only moved to the UK on 2017 between 2017 and 2023 he had 3 relationships ex 1 ex 2 and me. Ex 1 hates him - she's crazy according to him. Ex 2 hates him - she's even crazier and me - I guess I'm now the one who's crazy haha
3 failed serious relationships (lived with ex 1 and ex 2 but not me thank god) he dragged ds all in 6 years all resulting with crazy exs apparently....

But you picked him, maybe think more carefully next time

CryptoFascist · 02/03/2024 22:53

Not sure if any boyfriends have used that exact phrase, however a couple have told me stories of how they had never hit a woman...apart from one time when she was attacking him so badly that they "had" to punch her to get her off.
An obvious cover story in case I ever heard about their violent pasts, I expect.
Unsurprisingly they turned out not to be ideal partners!

Onehouratatime · 03/03/2024 09:34

@WandaWonder I was torn between my situation and his situation of exs because my ex is actually horrible and nasty (I have a restraining order) so guess I was like hmmm could be true.

Never experienced the whole situation before.

OP posts:
ToBeOrNotToBee · 03/03/2024 09:36

I had one date with a man and he gave the crazy ex spiel. Eyes opened I gave him a second date. Very quickly it became obvious he was the issue.
There was no 3rd date.

Startingagainandagain · 03/03/2024 09:42

Always a red flag to hear former partners described as 'crazy'.

SwankyJim · 03/03/2024 09:44

Dd has had a couple of boyfriends who went on about crazy exes - 1 was only allowed supervised access to his child because he was a controlling arsehole who kept losing jobs as he failed drug tests. 1 cheated several times on all his previous girlfriends and chatted shit about them all. Dd dumped them both.

Adult DS’s ex was genuinely crazy and he ended up going to the police as she was abusive and her step dad had form for stalking ex boyfriends and terrifying them (even as young teenager!). Odd family. Very pleased he managed to shake them off!

DemBonesDemBones · 03/03/2024 09:46

Yes! And then when he left me pregnant I was contacted by another woman he'd done the same to. She was in contact with another, who then found another. There are 5 of us

ImnotadickheadIpromise · 03/03/2024 09:48

My ex made out his ex wife was batshit crazy and told me to stay away from her at all costs. After we split I found out the reason for that was that she was the one who knew the truth about everything he’d lied to me about! (For example, she apparently wouldn’t allow me to meet his kids, yet the reason for that was that he’d introduced repeated women to them in a short time despite saying he’d only dated one other since they split!)

So now according to him I’m the crazy ex… when he’s the one who cheated with at least 4 women and was an expert in gaslighting!

DemBonesDemBones · 03/03/2024 09:51

Sneezed and pressed send 🤦‍♀️

There are 5 of us that we know about, all crazy and dangerous women. Obviously.

What we all have in common is we were all treated badly by one parent/both parents. He had a type. We're all friends now and have supported each other through court proceedings (involving him) marriages, moves and new babies. He didn't win.

Onehouratatime · 07/03/2024 17:23

God I hate men at times

OP posts:
ALongHardWinter · 06/06/2024 00:32

If a man ever told me on a first date that his ex was 'crazy',there would be no second date.

ALongHardWinter · 06/06/2024 00:32

Onehouratatime · 07/03/2024 17:23

God I hate men at times

Same here.

Endoftheroad12345 · 06/06/2024 04:13

DP has never described his ex’s as crazy and as I was getting to know him again (he was a high school boyfriend) he described the breakdown of his marriage as something they both played a part in, and of his ex gf as a relationship he was unhappy in.

My view is that both women were quite controlling and manipulative and DP can be extremely conflict averse and people pleasey - which would have exacerbated the issue - and was a bit naive in respect of the motivations of his ex gf. These are observations I’ve come to myself over the period of 18 months. Putting myself in the ex wife’s shoes I can definitely see he did things to contribute through being a bit self centred and immature - I feel some sympathy for her. He would own this too which I think is important. If he had come up with the “crazy ex” trope straight off the bat I would have found it very off putting.

That said - I, on the other hand DO have a crazy ex - violent, controlling, utterly lacking in empathy - threatened suicide when we split and drained our joint accounts of tens of thousands of dollars. So I’m prepared to give the “crazy ex” line a little bit more credence… it would be a bit hypocritical otherwise.

Hoplolly · 06/06/2024 11:50

My husband's ex is a bit crazy but she really wasn't until they broke up and got divorced. He says she was perfectly fine when they were married but some of the things that have happened since...I can only think that break up altered her brain chemistry because she's done some far from rational things when it comes to the kids and quite frankly comes across as bonkers at times. He hasn't had to say that about her though, I've witnessed it first hand!

TitaniumTess · 08/06/2024 22:25

When we got together, my ex told me that his ex-wife was super controlling and gas lit him and that she was emotionally abusive. I had nothing but sympathy!!

I was a fool, clearly. He was nice to me until I was pregnant. He has, in our relationship, and afterwards, been a complete menace since then. He's shockingly awful, and has caused a lot of pain to a lot of people.

He repeated the behaviour with another school Mum with a child in the same class. I wanted to warn her but my counsellor told me not to, as I would be seen as the crazy, jealous ex. Luckily, this lady was smart and figured out that it was him, not me, who was the issue. He was horrible to her and she could see that I was being reasonable.

When he went with Mum 3 at the school (yes!)......, she was very vulnerable so both of us warned her (me and school Mum two). It was completely pointless. Mum 3 actually used it to attack me and was a real bitch, getting her friends to also point and laugh at me at school. She has been very mean in other ways too.

It's like watching a slow motion car crash now, but at least our conscience is clear. He won't change.

Purpleberet · 08/06/2024 22:30

imo most of the time if a guy says this its a warning actually he’s the one who’s “crazy”…or sent their ex “crazy”
don’t know why some of them think were so stupid to believe them

datcherygrateful · 09/06/2024 10:10

Yes my ex did say his exes were crazay- one of them was an absolute pain and one of the reasons I left, the other not so much- he was crazier than both.