He has finally come clean

[princessspotify]

Morning all. A bit of background. I've been married to H for 10yrs together 19yrs two Ds
Always had a happy marriage until last year. We started to grow apart, both to blame. I had questioned if he was happy and he kept assuring me was. Oct 2023 after an argument he told me he wasn't sure if he was in love with me anymore. I went to parents for a few days and we agreed to work on things. He made no effort and after limping on he left in November citing he just couldn't get those feelings back for me. During this time I had asked if there was somebody else. He denied it. I had a feeling it was somebody from work.
Last night he finally came clean and said he's been seeing somebody but it only started at the beginning of February and they've been out 3 times. It's the woman he works with. He expects me to believe nothing has been going on beforehand.
I'm in bits.

Sorry to hear that. At least you know the truth now. You'll get past this, I promise you will.

Sorry to hear this. This is horribly common. Whether or not there was anything "happening" before it sounds like at the least he had his head turned. More likely an affair though.

"Last night he finally came clean and said he's been seeing somebody but it only started at the beginning of February and they've been out 3 times. It's the woman he works with. He expects me to believe nothing has been going on beforehand."

Doubtful. This goes back to Oct 2023 - where you say he trotted out the typical cheaters line of "I'm not sure I'm in love with you anymore".
Most likely he's had an interest in this woman several weeks/months before that point too.

Not that this matters. You can come out of this stronger and better, with lots of new opportunities waiting for you.

I have been down that path, its horrid. I promise though it will get better and you will rebuild your life in time. My ex husband married his work collegue (who he would still deny he left me for or that anything happened whilst we were together). However we all have an amicable grown up relationship and have always co parented well together. I always held on to the belief that at one time we loved one another and we created children together and out of respect for that and our children, have kept things ammicable (obviously there have been odd moments!). My kids find it odd that their parents can get on so well when friends of theirs with divorced parents have a very different experience and it is really damaging for the kids. I have since remarried and am with someone who I am far better suited to. It wasn't the life I'd palanned and it was very very painful at times, but there will be happy times ahead for you. Keep strong and hold your head up high. Get support around you and some counselling.

Frankly, it’s irrelevant what he “expects” you to believe. I would be sceptical, because it’s all very like “the script” (do these fuckers get issued with a book, because it’s alway exactly the same 🤦‍♀️)
Whether or not he’s lying, there is nothing you can do to stop him. What you CAN do is protect yourself. Grey rock the rotten turd, be cold, calm and practical. Speak only about DC (if they are of an age where you need to) and practical issues like finances etc. Vent to your friends irl, on here or beat shit out of your pillow but show him no emotion, no hurt, nothing. This man is no longer a safe person for you. So, be your own safe person. If I was you I’d get legal advice (if you haven’t already) and start taking steps to remove this tool from your life, do things that make you feel good, irrespective of him. I know it’s hard (been there and done it) but honestly it does get better. You will look back at some point in the future and wonder what on earth you ever saw in him. Good luck xx

So sorry OP, but sadly men very rarely leave to be on their own. At least now you have some truth and can start to move forward with your life. She now has to live knowing she has a man capable of cheating, lying and leaving his wife a kids. Hardly a prize!

Oh op I’m so sorry. It does sound likely that he is lying. Just make him pathetic and cowardly. Best to focus on yourself as much as possible. Please take care of yourself x

I'm going against the grain here..kind of. When my xdh and I separated it was me who trotted out, ' I don't think I love you anymore'. There was no one else lined up, but that conversation had been a long time coming, and whilst I had done my emotional processing, he hadn't. I was checked out. Done. Before the conversation happened. He left a couple of months later, and shortly after I met someone. It was only a brief thing, but of course there were accusations of an affair. It most definitely wasn't. I was just in a different place emotionally to my exdh.
In all honesty though, regardless when it started, it's happening now. Get your ducks in a row. Take some time for you. Allow yourself the time to process and grieve. Whilst saying the above, I have also been where you are. It's tough, but you can and will make it through.

It doesn't matter if he was with her before or since February. He had put his energy and time somewhere else, didn't he? He didn't use it to make your relationship better, did he?

And now, he, poor fella is debating because although it is all your fault he is a right man.

I tell you what I did when someone similar happened to me, I waited, cry and blame myself for all. I tell you what I would do now after healing. Tell him to pack his stuff and fuck off.

I’m so sorry OP, the end of a marriage is really hard.

I wouldn’t know from that if he’d been cheating or not, but it sounds that you had mutually drifted apart anyway.

I hope this means you can now move forward

@Epidote they are separated. He left in November

@Humanswarm I understand where you're coming from and what you say makes sense.
It's just i had gut feeling which I couldn't ignore . I feel like he has let "enough time" pass so that it's like there wasn't an overlapp.
He's told our children which I'm really not happy about . I have also been informed that she told her ex-husband after 2 dates and she wants my exhusband to meet her kids who are 3 and 7

It’s been a tough few months for you hasn’t it and it will be bumpy for the next few whilst they play happy families. There is not a great deal you can do about it though. Just take care of yourself and be glad you are rid of him.

Sorry OP. Been there, got the T shirt. Hurts like fucking hell at the time, and for a long time afterwards. But you will get through it and one day you will be so glad his miserable ass is out of your life. I promise.

Men are useless at being on their own, l have never known a man to leave a long term relationship who hasn't already got another women waiting in the wings. I bet she could tell you a different side of the story. Most men are too spineless to tell the truth, they want to keep both doors open.

It’s really nothing to do with you if he meets his new partners children or not!

move on and stop dwelling on the past,

Dwelling on that past? Jesus, he only told her last night there was another woman ffs. If this wasn't so serious your comment would be commical.

I hope you have started divorce proceedings and I'm very sorry to read this. It's very hard I know but you will get through his and yes you were probably right all along.

It makes no difference, you can’t believe a word he says. Get an STI check and end it.

I don’t think any introduction to your kids should be on the table! I waited 2 years for kids to meet my partner as I wanted to be sure before introducing another adult into their lives!
your kids have to deal with the divorce which is painful as it is and your ex seems like a selfish prick that can’t see anything around him!
so so sorry for you x

He left in November after telling her in October in wasn’t sure if he loved her anymore 🤣

October to Feb is no time when you've been together 19 years 😥.

Feel angry on your behalf op. I would definitely be struggling HUGELY with the idea of him meeting her kids- what about your/his kids?! What will they think?!

You will look back in time and see how strong you are. I read recently something about how when these things happen, the women almost always do much better than the men in the long term. Hang on in there! Sending hugs. ♥️

@Meagainnewname wouldn't really call her a partner. I couldn't give a shiny shit if about him meeting her kids i was just saying it for context

@Meagainnewname you have obviously been the other woman at some point in your life or you wouldn't say such things

🤣🤣
nope, never 🤣🤣
Sorry to disappoint you, but happily married for nearly 40 years 🤣🤣