He has finally come clean

[princessspotify]

Morning all. A bit of background. I've been married to H for 10yrs together 19yrs two Ds
Always had a happy marriage until last year. We started to grow apart, both to blame. I had questioned if he was happy and he kept assuring me was. Oct 2023 after an argument he told me he wasn't sure if he was in love with me anymore. I went to parents for a few days and we agreed to work on things. He made no effort and after limping on he left in November citing he just couldn't get those feelings back for me. During this time I had asked if there was somebody else. He denied it. I had a feeling it was somebody from work.
Last night he finally came clean and said he's been seeing somebody but it only started at the beginning of February and they've been out 3 times. It's the woman he works with. He expects me to believe nothing has been going on beforehand.
I'm in bits.

Have reported @Meagainnewname

🤣🤣🤣
it’s not me who’s getting defensive with personal insults

@princessspotify Sorry it's taken me all day to respond. Please ignore the hateful poster, clearly little else to do on a Saturday night, which says a lot about her.
The speed with which things seem to be moving for your dh shrieks immaturity. You must be in total shock. Please look after yourself. That's the most important thing right now. Everything else will fall into place but your priority right now is self care. Then you'll be strong enough to face whatever comes. Take it one day at a time. Allow the anger.

@princessspotify

spot on. IGNORE

Ask the twat if he thinks you came down in the last shower! It's insulting thinking you'll believe that codswollop!!

honestly though, men very very seldom leave unless/untill they have another woman lined up. Most men aren't able to be on their own for 5 minutes.

it really doesn't matter if he introduces your kids to her, they have you! Make their home with you a comfortable & loving place and they'll be ok.

as for her kids, that's up to the pair of them,( I know you only added it for context)

His relationship with your children is down to him, don't second parent for him. Dont run him down but don't bug him up either & acknowledge THEIR feelings about him, they're allowed to be disappointed, annoyed, feel let down etc. 'Hear' them. Also it's not your job to make them go if they don't want to see him.

Look after yourself!! Xx

@Meagainnewname I have reported you too. You're being nasty to an upset poster for no reason other than you are clearly not a nice Person. So fed up of this kind of crap on Mumsnet. Posters like you coming on just to be nasty. Why bother. What possess you to click on a thread where someone wants some support just to stick the knife in. Or the other favourite, victim blaming

Isn't it all so hilarious. Do you want a chufty badge?

OP this must be devastating for you. Men don't tend to leave 20 year relationships unless they have someone else waiting in the wings. Him not being sure if he loved you anymore is him keeping his options open as long as possible. Basically he still 'loved' you as long as he could't be absolutely sure of her.

The only thing that is certain now is that you are better off without him, better off than being in the awful place of not being sure if he loves you or not, him making no effort and messing with your head. You're free now. Get an STD check and concentrate on yourself and your kids. Don't bother yourself with whatever crap he's pulling with the new girl. All energy and head space goes to you and your kids.

@princessspotify I hope you're okay today x

@Humanswarm yes feeling better. Spending the day with some friends x

That explains why you have no understanding and even less empathy. Worst still you seem rather proud of the fact. You are in absolutely no position to tell someone to move on and mind their own business when their husband's affair has broken them into a thousand pieces.

I should sit back and count your blessings if I was you.

Your gut feeling could well be right OP. If it is, this could date back to shortly before last year when you started to grow apart. His "new girlfriend" may have been fed another story and not know she was an OW.

I found out the details of my exh's affair. It was useful to know for sure, but the details were haunting. And I still don't know everything because you can't enter another person's mind. You know that the marriage was over and you have a pretty good idea why.

I was also with my exh for 20 years. Took me therapy, medication and a good couple of years to stop "dwelling" on the past. Like a previous poster, my own mother thought I would have got over it after a few months. Some people lack empathy. If someone can process the end of their entire previous life's hopes and dreams in such a short time, that's great for them, but it would be highly unusual imho.

My therapist told me that many of her clients, in retrospect, unexpectedly see a crisis as a positive turning point in their lives. That's been my experience. Ten years on, I'm with a considerate, kind partner who understands and treats me a lot better than my exh, and the changes in my life turn out to have given it greater meaning and depth. I hope the same applies to you.

Men hardly ever leave unless there’s another woman lined up. Spineless heartless prick- so useless at being on their own.

im so sorry OP. Time to start processing this, putting yourself & dc first in moving to the next chapter of your life. Xxx

@princessspotify good, enjoy your day! X

@princessspotify i hope you are having a better day and good you are spending time with a good friend. I’ve got a feeling you are going to be absolutely fine at some point xx

Thank you for all your positive messages. I'm 40 in a few months and this isn't how I pictured them starting. I did start some counselling in Jan and finding it very helpful. It's comforting to know that I'm not alone and I'll get past this at some point. I've recently taken up running again and have good friends.
Like any woman....I do worry about growing old alone but nowhere near ready for relationship. I'm trying my best to concentrate on myself and kids. To be fair until he told me the other day I was doing ok.

So sorry OP. Same thing happened to me- he got together with his "supportive friend from work" as soon as he left and flat out denied there was anything going on beforehand- yeah right. I lost all respect I had for him but we co-parent fine and I actually feel sorry for his partner as she's stuck with him now

From personal experience I would bet everything I own on your husband having an affair from last October at the very least.
He is a coward and a liar.
I hope things get better for you without this arsewipe.
It’s so horrible when someone you thought you knew inside out betrays you.
I felt like my ex had been taken over by an alien as he looked like him but that was all.

This is of course absolutely bonkers.

They’ve only been separated since November there is no way children should be introduced to a new date after (allegedly) a few meet ups!

There is plenty of reports out there making it clear you give children time to adjust to a spilt. In some cases the recommended time is a year before you launch the new shiny at them!

Sorry jumped the gun, I can see the poster is a peach!

Anyway @princessspotify hope you’re ok today! What an absolute a’hole!!

He was either having an affair or looking to start one... same old comment about didnt start seeing her until after.... biggest crock of sheet

@Blackcats7 I totally to relate to the alien reference. It's how I've been explaining the change in him to people. It's like he has been replaced.