Husband blaming me for his depression and mood swings.

[Itsalwaysme9]

He claims that these feelings are related to the way I behave towards him. He claims I don’t make him feel loved or good enough or support him enough. It’s not true in the past but I have to admit I am getting fed up of always having to tread on eggshells around him. I have my own things that I need to work on but he always makes everything about him.

If I bring anything up it always ends up with it you treat me better I will be better to you etc etc.

This isn’t good is it?

Sure… You’re responsible for how he thinks and how he acts. What a bloody manchild. Tell him to grow up and either get some counselling and sort himself out or take his moody arse to infect the vibe elsewhere.

I mean what's he doing to sort himself out? Has he seen a GP? Has he organised counselling and/or medication? My guess is nothing because he's an emotional vampire and it's easier for him to blame others rather than confront the fact he's an asshole.

Sadly I don't think anything you might say or do will ever be enough. You could give him the world and he'd still find fault. You could give him an ultimatum and tell him to sort himself out and stop blaming others for his issues but I doubt he will.

Instead of focusing on him what do you want? Do you want to spend your time with an emotional leech for the next 5, 10, 50 years? I personally couldn't put up with someone sucking the joy out of life and treating me like crap. Emotional vampires need garlic not more attention.

He's an adult

He doesn’t believe in counselling or “western style therapy”. He does go on these mediation retreats and comes back a different person until he starts again. He just says it’s me and have I thought about getting help.

Sorry meditation retreats

He's an adult though, so if something is causing him depression, it's up to him to make changes in his own situation to avoid that trigger. He's trying to change you to fit his needs, and neglecting to realise that you were not designed or put here to be right for him.

He'd be less depressed if he realised that he is responsible for his own wellbeing, because then, he could change it. He's probably quite unlikely to make that realisation though.

@Watchkeys I think we both guilty of that. I don’t think he is right for me and I can’t focus on my own needs when it’s all about his. He is making me feel like I’m doing it on purpose.

Is he a child? Because adults are responsible for themselves.

He says you should treat him better - does he treat you well? Or is he a complete hypocrite? Does he spend any time worrying about your and your feelings? Your moods? Or does he think the world should revolve around him?

Why does he think he's more important than you?

Why does he think he isn't responsible for his own health and wellbeing?

And if he thinks you're making him ill - why doesn't he leave?

" He just says it’s me and have I thought about getting help.''

Classic textbook gaslighting. You aren't his problem. He is. If he truly has depression and just isn't a nasty, unpleasant person then he needs to get to his GP for meds and therapy. Meditation doesn't fix disordered brain chemistry, which is what depression is.

Frankly, I wouldn't stay with a sick person who refused to get help and blamed me for his illness. That's abuse and no one should tolerate it.

Sounds like you're lumbered with my exh. Fine line between depression and being a twat ime.
Exh...

He needs to grow up and take responsibility for his own mental health. It's exhausting living with someone with depression, but it's not your responsibility to make him well or happy.

I'd look at leaving personally unless he was prepared to accept that he has to deal with his own mental health issues rather than looking for a scapegoat.

I know he has come form a bad childhood. All I’ve got is that his dad drank and hit his mum in front of him. I asked if he ever had therapy and he said no that’s for stupid people. Rather he smoked weed which I hate. I’m just fed up with his complicated mess, it’s always something.

I do have intimacy issues from my past that I know really annoys him. He has twisted it around to be about him. There is something wrong with him etc. He won’t listen when I try to explain where it’s from. He just flips and starts getting angry became I make him feel inadequate and lowers his self esteem. Yes it’s my issue but the way he behaves makes me want to do the deed with him even less as he’s scary at times.

He won’t change:

Only you can change your own life and happiness.

what’s keeping you there?

@Slitherr young child and fear of the unknown and having to share the child and not know what on earth he is going to do or teach them. That and I know he will turn super nasty as everything we have he has bought or worked harder for, so he says.

Right. It's time to start taking responsibility then. He isn't making you feel anything. When you say 'it' is all about his needs, what is the 'it' you're referring to?

And perhaps also ask, if that's what he really thinks about you, what's keeping him there?

Druggie too? What a catch.
Get rid. Paranoia from weed is long term.

@ErrolTheDragon ive no idea what is keeping him here. I really don’t understand.

Have you asked him why he stays if you're so dreadful for his mental health? Surely, the first stage in his recovery would be for him to move out? Or is it that you do everything for him and he doesn't want to lose that, and if that's the price he puts on his mental health then I'd despair of him anyway.

Does he stay because he likes having a scapegoat?

@Vroomfondleswaistcoat he isn’t from this country but I met him here and he’s been here for a while. He doesn’t have family here so perhaps it’s because leaving would be difficult. He also used to say that he has the only successful relationship in his family. I know he is worried he is like his dad. I’m sure there are many reasons and I’m putting words in his mouth. He has said things before when I’ve said we should split, it’s goes from fine I would just leave you and the child and go home as nothing for me here to the other end of the scale that he feels like there is no point being alive.

If he has said you need help, I would grab that ‘offer’ with both hands.

Not because you need help but a therapist would help you deal with your husbands blaming bullshit. They would open your eyes to the tactics he is using and you will no longer feel any guilt or responsibility.

They may even help you with good responses when your husband tries to blame you for his depression.

@ErrolTheDragon it certainly feels like that as everything is always my fault.

So if I'm reading this right, he is trying to coerce you into sex by claiming that your intimacy issues are making him depressed?

I agree with pp. Find a therapist and make an exit plan.