Husband blaming me for his depression and mood swings.

[Itsalwaysme9]

He claims that these feelings are related to the way I behave towards him. He claims I don’t make him feel loved or good enough or support him enough. It’s not true in the past but I have to admit I am getting fed up of always having to tread on eggshells around him. I have my own things that I need to work on but he always makes everything about him.

If I bring anything up it always ends up with it you treat me better I will be better to you etc etc.

This isn’t good is it?

@taylorswift1989 it’s got a bit weird and sorry for too much info but he keeps saying it’s because he isn’t well endowed and that’s why I don’t want to and it’s making him feel rubbish about himself. I’ve told him it’s not him it’s my issue but he then shouts so what’s f#####g wrong with you then go and get some help. It’s now become him why I don’t want to as I don’t really feel safe.

Is there anywhere you can go? Parents, friends, siblings? If you don't feel safe get out and call the police. Don't wait.

Well he does not sound like a safe person to be intimate with.

Can you just end it? What's the financial situation? It sounds like the absolute best thing would be for him to leave.

@taylorswift1989 ive tried several times but never go through with it.

Keep trying.

Have you told anyone in real life what's going on? A friend or a sister maybe? If not, do. You need support.

Or talk to women's aid maybe?

You can get out of this but it may take some planning and you'll need to find your courage.

He’s a manipulative, gaslighting egotist. Get rid.

I know he is worried he is like his dad

Well, clearly he is. But he can't be that worried or he would do something about it so that is just another thing he thinks you should fix (by soothing him, by protecting you child from seeing him upset, by not winding him up so he becomes violent). Presumably if he does ever hit you in front of your child this will trigger another round of depression and remorse from him that it will be your job to fix.

@anothernamitynamenamechange I get the impression that he truly believes his problems are caused by me. I bring them out. There really isn’t a lot for me to praise him for. He will say how hard he works for us. I have started to say you would be working regardless of whether you were with me. I don’t say this but I don’t think he is a hero for working like most other people do.

I feel like I have another child. I’m not really interested in praising him anymore, especially as I feel low being blamed for all the troubles.

He has always bought expensive gifts but I don’t want expensive gifts. They are never things I like. I’d be happier with say a pen and a pad for a birthday gift that’s cheap as I like drawing. I ALWAYS hear about how much it cost and how hard he has worked for it and he almost demands that size response from me, then he calls me ungrateful. I have explained this but he doesn’t change. He says that I’m like a cold stone now and I do feel like this. I never used to be so cold

Just in case you are unsure - none of this is you. This is all him. Ok, maybe you bring out the worst in him, but in that case there is absolutely no reason to stay with him, he will get on better without you. But, to be honest, this just sounds like a very angry man who wants someone to blame for everything that's wrong in his life when he can't take the blame for anything.

It doesn't sound as if he is sophisticated or insightful enough to understand himself and make changes.
I would be focusing on humouring and placating him whilst making a solid plan (privately and in the background) to escape from him with the least damage possible to yourself and your child.

Unless you think there is genuinely a chance that things can improve and this relationship can work for you?

I never seem to understand how to word it to him. I always say that our relationship feels very empty, like we don’t have a connection. He isn’t interested in doing anything together. For example when re-decorating it’s always me doing it alone. If he helps he does it half hearted then just sits down. I lost a parent and he was hardly bothered. He said something along the lines of me not being interested in that he had lost one of his, it’s simply untrue. He puts words in my mouth I’ve never said. When he lost his parent he drank and was really ugly to me, I lost a lot of weight etc but he didn’t notice.

Yes, having somebody to conveniently blame is a good strategy to avoid ever looking at yourself.

I'm the family scapegoat. So much has been projected on to me over the decades.. Eg, my parents have no empathy or real interest in what I feel, but they'd never be able to admit that to themselves, if I ask them to care, or to listen, they instantly get really angry with Mr for hurting them and accuse me of being sensitive.

If I try to point out the double standard there, I'm "aggressive. Detached from reality. Unhappy. In need of help.

So as is the function of projection, my alleged failings are bespoke to perfectly disguise their real failings.

How can you connect with him. You talk to him and tell him how you feel, and instead of listening to you, he corrects you and tells you what your words actually mean.

You cannot change people like this. :-(
You have to accept this.

Xx

It sounds like you're so downtrodden that you're actually numb and don't know which way is up.

It has gone past the point of whose "fault" it may be. You really need to get out.

It sounds as if he is the product of an extremely patriarchal / male dominated culture OP?
If so these things are ingrained in him and he is unlikely to change imo.

@Gloriosaford he is from a country of male dominance I suppose and his dad was a violent drunk form what it sounds. He just doesn’t seem to have any care. He will literally shout and then not understand if I’m quiet. But other way around he expects me to care.

Sorry I don’t shout but he expects me to care about the things he’s perceived I’ve said that I haven’t.

OP, you are tying yourself in knots for no reason, you will never understand his thinking, as it is not normal in comparison to your own. He is an abuser that has you tied to him, you must break free for your own future sanity and safety.

Just to be clear, not wanting to be intimate with someone when you're not getting on with them or you're scared of him isn't an issue. It's normal.

I dont think he is likely to change OP, you should probably cut your losses here

Ime things will only stop making you mentally unwell when you end the relationship.. My ex previously mentioned used to threaten to leave. Once did for a week. Lived on egg shells when he came back. For a year.. Then I threw him out. The relief was immense.

Tell him he is a shit lover and yes, he is inadequate. And then leave him. He is childish and wants to put his bad behavior on you. Can you imagine living with this for the rest of your life?

OP, seriously, can you start collecting financial information to see where you would stand when you leave him? Quietly, of course. See a solicitor without him knowing it. As Mumsnet likes to say, gets your ducks in a row. Is he in the country legally or does he have to be married to you to remain the country? You are now saying if you don't want sex with his tiny dick he scares you into submitting? OP, that is just vile. Please, seek help, even if it begins with a women's shelter. You and your child will need protection from this beast.

As others have said. You know you must leave him and leave him now.
Please contact Womens Aid.