Follow up to: Found messages/photos on his phone

[hurtdoesntcoverit]

So.... I am just going to write everything that happened down. I don't know that I am asking any questions but I need an outlet as I don't have many friends and family to speak to.

I sat him down calmly that evening and said 'I know about XXXX' and I know because I saw her name, you lied and then I checked your messages. (what I didn't do is say I only saw one photo)

He had no where to hide with it. I asked to see his phone, he willingly handed it over, apologising etc. I read all the messages, saw all the pictures she had sent (explicit ones included) all of his 'encouraging' comments to her.

The Facts:

He does not know this person, has never met her.

He follows some stupid pages on Facebook like ''Margot Robbie appreciation page...'' and on this page women post photos of themselves looking like Margot Robbie (sort of) and ask men for comments, assuming they are gathering only fans subscriptions etc. He commented on one ladies picture and she messaged him back and that's how it started. He showed me, I know this to be a fact.

She messages things like, I am not very confident so just trying to be more body positive. He messages things like 'well the picture I have seen is great, I would love to see more' and it goes from there.

In the two weeks, he messages her a few times, she messages him pictures a few times, its not every day. There is zero exchange of personal details, no general chit chat, its just 'here's my pic, do you like it and him going yeah I do you look really sexy etc' The only personal thing in the thread is she asks if he has a partner and he says yes and how much he loves me and will always be faithful to me etc......

The feelings bit:

I explained how this level of interaction with a women is completely unacceptable to me and how hurt I feel. He acknowledges 100% he is in the wrong and also accepts that he knew this breaking boundary would be something I wasn't comfortable with. He is definitely devastated to hurt me,

He said he did it because its quite flattering to have a woman send pictures, he said how he feels its a bit pathetic but 100% she means nothing to him, they are not running off together, they dont know anything about each other. It was more like looking at porn but someone was sending it to him

I do not have a problem with porn, him looking a pretty actresses etc these are not my boundary, my boundary is when you have an ACTUAL INTERACTION with someone of the opposite sex.

I am hurt, bruised, wounded and just not making any rash decisions because he hasn't actually cheated but he has hurt my feelings quite badly.

Surely you are too busy packing to be on here?

Why would you not class this as cheating? It’s an emotional affair at least. Was he asking for pictures of her fully clothed, or clearly hoping for underwear shots/nudes? Did he send any photos in return?

@Rocknrolla21 he sent no photos of himself, she just sent photos.

I dont know its a knife edge of the cheating front for me. Cheating for me probably has to have some level of emotional connection. this is purely here's some pictures of myself - do you think I should do only fans?

I dont know. I know exactly what you are saying but unfortunately I dont know how to feel about it.

So sorry for you. You did really well to confront him! He sounds genuinely sorry but only you know if he is being sincere and if you’d be able to trust him again. Is he a bit naive / emotionally immature do you think? Or did he know that what he was doing is absolutely cheating and is only actually sorry that he got caught?!

I feel so sorry for you too . I guess you feel really let down by him. Good that you confronted him with it.

But it easily could have escalated if you didn't find out.
Even if you believe that there's no emotional connection now, he could easily have let it get that far.

Yes to this. I think what is also crucial is that you wrote that he was well aware that this behaviour was crossing your boundaries. But still he did it!

Once crossed, the line will be blurred. Next time he can push it just a bit further again, as you were ok with it this time.

Dude sounds like a sleaze and any live interaction is cheating regardless of whether or not he sent pictures of himself. He was asking to see more, he kept the integration going. Where would he have stopped if you hadn't found out?

Also who is this woman? Is she just a random woman on facebook or is she actually someone who's been trafficked into making these interactions with men to try and hook them in for monetary gain or blackmail purposes (many women are forced into things like this). Awful.

It is bad, however, are you sure he's been talking to a woman??

Sounds scammy and cat fishy to me

I'm so sorry you're going through this .
Are you looking for support? hoping to reconcile?

Big decisions don't need to be made now just keep yourself safe and supported. If you need space then he should grant that. If he wants to truly change his ways he will have to commit to a full integrity recovery.

Helping couples heal podcast will be helpful.

That level of interaction over a 2 week period is very worrying.
If you hadn't confronted him who knows (well onw can guess) what would have happened.
He is a sleazebag and if you stay with him, you will never trust him and will forever be on guard, its not a way to live.
He has broken your trust.

So his excuse is that he’s pathetic, insecure, easily ‘manipulated’ and didn’t have sex with her? What is the actual point of staying in a relationship with someone you can’t trust? What will you gain from remaining with this person, when you subtract the fact that you’ll never be able to trust him?

I'm really sorry, OP. This is really upsetting.

I think for me the key thing is that he knew you would be upset if you found out - he weighed up the risk of you finding out, evaluated how hurt you would feel - and then decided deliberately to go ahead and do it anyway. Repeatedly. He's only now 'devastated' and embarrassed because you've confronted him. Otherwise he'd be still tingling with excitement and continuing to message her.

That is what I would find difficult to forgive. It's grubby and a little sordid and I would massively resent being made to feel grubby so that he could get sad little kicks.

He wouldn't be for me I'm afraid. I wouldn't want to be forever looking over my shoulder.

I think you should include a link to your previous post OP.

@EverybodyLTB

i presume you didn't read the thread that this is the follow up to? You should.

@hurtdoesntcoverit

you did well to discuss it with him.

if I hadn't read your original thread, my reply would be different.

you've been through enough already. In your position I'd tell him that you're going to try to forgive him, but you won't forget & if anything similar should ever happen again then it would be, 100%. Over.

then do just that. Just see how life goes for a little while. This stupidity will either fall into the bucket of fuck ups & fade to a point you can live with, OR it will remain front & centre of your life & you'll decide to separate.

put YOURSELF first & do what is best for YOU.

its not a decision that has to be made immediately & you can change you mind anytime. Anytime!

take care
xx

I actually dont know how to do this!

thank you so much. no decisions are made nothing is set in stone and I just dont know how I will feel in a week/month year (if we get there)

I have asked him to send a No Contact Message and that I need to see this and only then will I be able to attempt to heal.

Its just been a very difficult couple of days and I need time to process and it might be I cant live with it but I dont know at the moment.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5017013-found-messagesphotos-on-his-phone?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

my original post from earlier in the week. Dont know if this is the way to do this

@hurtdoesntcoverit

I agree with you that there are different levels of cheating. There is the obvious ones that are hard to get over - actual physical affairs.
And then there is the idiotic ones - like what you bf did. He got distracted with a shiny picture and illusion of being paid attention to.
The woman online was trawling for business - so for her it was "business development" - and not personal. She cares nothing about who your bf is, she only cares about hooking him as a paying customer.
The fact that he let that stroke his ego - is the laughable and idiotic thing.

But men are often quite gullible when these things come their way.

Personally - I don't think this is impossible to get over. If there is enough in the relationship that you value and given that he is apologetic and willing seems to want to repent - it is possible to work on it. If this is what you want.

I think this was foolish of him but I reckon forgivable...

If my partner did this I'm Afraid I would laugh at him and tease him either way being a bit pathetic

I'd hope I'd get over that (feeling he's a bit pathetic) and if so, no harm done

Thanks to pp for pointing to previous thread. In context of what you’ve been through, maybe I’d look at it a bit more gently. I do think you’ll struggle to trust him, and I don’t know how anyone ever can switch off from what they find out, but also you’re healing and need peace right now. I think you’re justified in doing whatever feels right to you at the moment and if you feel stronger and then revisit your feelings on this, or you can’t forget further down the line, you’re within your rights to raise it again. Wishing you an onwards and upwards kind of year OP ❤️

Ewww. Just reading your OP has given me the massive ick over this man. I wouldn't be able to take him seriously ever again.

What a turn off.

The only way this is any way acceptable is if he's 17

This really is disgusting OP and whilst I agree it isn’t the same as a full on affair, it’s still totally unacceptable within the boundaries of a relationship.

He hasn’t been doing this discreetly once in a blue moon (not that this is any better) but he’s been actively messaging her whilst he’s in the house with you. Taking his energy away from you and placing it onto a stranger for an ego boost and sexual gratification, because he’ll definitely be thinking about her and looking at those photos regularly.

For me this is unforgivable. But everyone has different boundaries. IF you choose to try and move forward you will need to have some very strict, clear boundaries.