Found messages/photos on his phone

[hurtdoesntcoverit]

This is exactly as it sounds and I am broken inside. Just trying to figure out how to handle this.

Other than this a pretty great relationship, full of affection, love, friendship, butterflies for the last 6 years. (not married, he has two children from a previous relationship).

A couple of weeks back I saw a name on his phone it was a women, he was messaging her and quickly jumped out of the message in a guilty way. I ask who it was and it he was 'oh its the guys just sending rude silly pics' I could tell he was lying but didn't push it. Since then he has been cagey, takes his phone to the toilet with him etc. A week later I asked if I could check the mortgage (which was completely genuine) on his phone he was in the room with me and handed it over, as he did a ladies name flashed up as a notification. Last night I did something really bad, he went to quickly send an email from his laptop and forgot his phone and left his phone behind and I checked, there it was... he had been receiving messages and photos. I didn't scroll through, I didn't see any context or length of time. I only saw the most recent photo - It was literally 'I had my hair dyed, do you like it' and a photo, I saw some messages about sending naughty pictures but I got so freaked out at what I was doing and him being in the next room I put the phone done. Don't get me wrong I know I am in the wrong for looking but it confirmed my suspicions.

So I know he is NOT sleeping with her or anything like that, we both work from home and spend weekends and evenings with his children there is very little time spent away from eachother because of our personal set up. However I do not know this lady, she is not a friend, she is not a colleague (he runs he own business which I work part time in and doesnt have employees) he doesnt have sisters, just two teenage girls and I have stalked this women and there is no connection - her profile says she is from a town 200 miles from where we live.

How shall I handle this - I feel that maybe I should just come clean and tell him I looked at his phone and ask him to show me the messages and take it all from there.

This is on a total knife edge for me - in my opinion messaging is still cheating I dont know if he will agree or disagree and if he disagrees then its on me for not trusting him and looking through his phone. It feels like a disaster either way. Please provide any support, guidance thoughts. I am talking to him tonight - full day of meetings for both of us at home.

Honestly when you say "take it all from there", what do you mean?

If I found out my partner was messaging another woman (regardless of their location) and having an affair - sexting, emotional, whatever kind - I'd be leaving. For me the conversation would be telling them that.

You need to think about what you want the end of the conversation to be - do you want him to apologise, show the messages and block her number, then you two stay together? I'd be wary that he's probably likely to gaslight you about them seeing as he's already shown that he's comfortable fully lying to your face about the messages.

Or do you want to leave? If so you don't need to know any more about the messages / affair - you've seen it and that's that. The conversation can be much shorter! But worth noting again he might not take it well.

Please stop working in his business and look for a job. You are not married and yet you have put yourself in a position where you are financially dependent on him, giving you fewer options if you do want to leave. Which you probably should, since you’re essentially relying on your WFH situation to reduce his opportunities to cheat physically. Sorry OP.

@Midnlghtrain

I think I am so shocked by it all the idea of ending the relationship is truly devastating to me that I actually havent thought that far ahead. But of course what you are saying makes sense.

Messaging is still cheating whatever way round it is but I think its the fear factor of me doing something wrong in order to find out what he has been doing wrong and how I manage the conversation and stay strong!

@Alphyn I have a job as well so I 100% not relying on him financially and could manage financially on my own. I am just so shocked and upset that this is happening totally blindsided by it all that I don't feel I am thinking rationally or calmly and I have no one to talk to.

I think I am actually scared to have the conversation because I know it means the end.

We have literally turned the corner in 2024 into a new year and our new chapter as we called it. I had cancer last year and this year working my way back to full health and looking forward to life going forward with him and all our plans for holidays and trips etc. This is just too much to cope with.

So sorry you're going through this op. It's truly heartbreaking.

The first thing you need to do is raise it with him and go from there. Couples do come back from this sort of thing (not saying that you should or can) but you need to confront him first I think.

I'm sorry to say that unless you find evidence in the phone of them saying they've not slept with each other , just because he doesn't have much free time away from you doesn't mean its impossible

Men who have affairs often only need 30 mins "to go to the shop" when they're actually having a quick shag in their car or somewhere nearby , so please consider getting STI checked

I'm so sorry you're going through this esp after a rough year with your cancer , you sound very sensible & you already know this is the end,

Have you heard of something called "The Script"?

Basically when men are confronted about their affair they often follow the same excuses (script) where they minimise & shift blame & it can be helpful to know this in advance so you're not blindsided & put on back foot with his stock responses/excuses

I'll try get a link for it

Was he very supportive during your treatment?

Did his previous relationship end due to infidelity?

Here's an overview of "The Script "

https://www.emotionalaffair.org/the-cheating-spouse-follows-a-script/

There's also a forum (not mumsnet) called Survivinginfidelity which has lots of sections about whether you want to try again or not or just for support from people going through similar

Are you able to take some time away (or get him to move out) so you can think clearly without him being there

@pastypirate

He was incredible during the treatment, surgery and I still have the ongoing check ups and tests and he is there for everything. This is the thing everything else is brilliant, the love, attention, joy we have is all there.

Its the messaging that has bothered me to no end and I dont feel strong enough to deal with it.

His other relationship ended because it fizzled out and they became more friends than in love. His ex is really comfortable with me and we both have a respectful relationship and I wouldnt suspect he has lied about their ending at all.

@Straycatblue thank you I will read this. I feel like I need to be prepared so this is exactly what I am looking for. xxx

Sorry I should also say he could move to his mothers for space.

Also he is purposely continuing this. The phone in the loo suggests a high level of contact he's barely hiding which is so disrespectful. If he's not happy or feels the relationship has run its course he can just leave. This is worse I snap sorry op

@pastypirate yeah this is my feeling is that he must be unhappy in our relationship whilst I have merrily been going along feeling like its all good and looking forward to the future after my illness

I’m sorry to hear about your illness and and so glad you’re recovering.

Also sorry to hear about your OH being a twat.

As you seem to have a nice relationship in many ways and be compatible, if this was me I would calmly bring this up when you’re sitting on the sofa together one evening so it takes him by surprise. I’d just say, I’ve seen messages pop up on your phone from <name> and once you told me it was ‘guys sending silly pics’ when it wasn’t. So I know you have lied. I saw one once that mentioned naughty pictures. This is your chance to tell me what’s going on truthfully before I make any decisions about us.

See what he says when you are so direct. I am struggling to see how this can lead to anything but a break up but who knows. It’s unlikely to be an ex 6 years in, so most likely someone he’s met while with you. Sigh. So I understand why you want to put this conversation off.

Also I have discovered men can always find the time to cheat. It’s remarkable.

💐

Everyone - should I ask him to show me the messages and when he ultimately wont it tells me everything I need to know?

its having the conversation thats freaking me out and I am trying to plan so I can manage my emotions....

Any chance he sleeps heavily? I'd be tempted to snoop some more if you think he'd just lie about things.

I would sit him down and say
I know what's going on.
Hand your phone over to me.
I'm giving you this one and only chance to come clean and be honest with me
See if he talks.

It doesn't matter now if you check his phone or not - you know what you saw. If he lies about it then his contempt for you is even greater.

Agree

@hurtdoesntcoverit only you know where your boundary is. Flirty messages may not be a deal breaker but sexting and intimacy/emotional affair is a dead on nope.

Think about your boundary and then sit him down and tell him you know he's been lying and keeping a relationship with another woman secret from you. Tell him he either hands over his phone then and there so you can see the truth and that is his one and only chance or if he refuses, you tell him that you cannot trust him and he needs to go.

If he hands over the phone, you look and see what has actually happened. Just mild flirting or sexting etc. Where does the content fall at your hard boundary and then you decide what to do.

Remember, you deserve love and to be loved and something who seeks out sexual gratification and emotional intimacy with another person cannot love you.

@hurtdoesntcoverit I'm so sorry, so very sorry he's let you down this way, especially after all you've been through & how great he has been.

I'd want to read all of the messages & get a feel for the tone/interest level/plans etc.

A possibility is that he's got caught up in the attention from someone & possibly her interest in him sexually (but only in that she's no threat 200 miles away) IF your relationship has lost the intimacy (understandably since you've had cancer).

Given everything it's a possibility I could get past it, but only if he can be honest about it now. Yes, it would HURT, but 'chatting & being flattered' online is so easy to get into these days, without really meaning to.

id be wary of throwing the baby out with the bath water.

if it were me, I'd probably say. 'I know about *Jane we need to talk about it. DO NOT lie to me about it.

... take it from there.

but I'd want to read the entire messaging thread.

Biggest hugs xx

@hurtdoesntcoverit

oh & for god sake STOP worrying about 'snooping'. He lied to you when you asked who she was! He brought it on himself treating you like you're stupid!!

Yes this.

Only then will you know what you're dealing with. His reaction will tell you everything. And if he refuses then you have your answer.

I've been in the situation you're in....if I were you I'd want to see all of the messages to get a sense of how long it's been going on, whose leading it, whether things are being reciprocated, how often they are messsging etc if they're talking about naughty pictures that doesn't sound great at all. I know what it feels like to be in a relationship that you think has been going well and on many levels it must be...you'll need to hear his side of things as to what's led him to where he's got too? It's your choice as to whether you can forgive and that may take some time to work through. Do what feels right for you...

I was where you are last year OP.

In hindsight, I wish I had watched and waited a little longer and not reacted. Gathered what I needed so that he couldn't lie or worm his way out of it. Taken screen shots etc.

I would also say give yourself some time, don't do anything rash. This is a traumatic thing to have discovered and you need to process it with a clear head and not with emotions.

And most of all, I am so sorry you have to go through this. Don't apologise for looking through his phone, I am so over people talking about the privacy and all that bullshit, do what you need to if you have concerns, and you did.